thirty-nine

Sorry I have been nonexistent lately.. hopefully that will change from now on.. atleast one update a week.. maybe more..

“LIAM!” I said yelling as soon as we walk into the apartment.

“The bitch is back.” Maggie said.

“Breathe.” Sidney whispered in my ear.

“Liam, can I talk to you?” I asked trying to stay calm.

“I’m glad you came back.” Liam said.

“Of course I would come back, Liam.”

“Right.. because you two are soul mates. How dare I try and mess with fate?” Maggie said.

“Maggie.. I think you should just let them figure it out.” Sidney said.

“You are just okay with this all?” Maggie asked Sidney.

“Yeah? You just deal with it.” Sidney said.

“I’m leaving.” Maggie said.

“Don’t leave.” Liam said.

“You have to talk to Grace.”

“Yeah, I do have to talk to Grace but that doesn’t mean you have to leave.” Liam said.

“It actually does mean that. You can’t have us both, Liam.”Maggie said.

“That’s completely not fair. Grace is my best friend. MY BEST FRIEND! But that’s it.” Liam said.

“I am with Sidney now. I don’t want Liam. I don’t want to cause problems with you two.. I just want to co-exist with you.”I said to Maggie.

“Liam, just call me later.” Maggie said leaving the apartment.

“Do you want me to leave so you two can talk?” Sidney asked.

“No, babe. You can stay.” I said.

“I don’t get why you hate Maggie. I don’t get why you just walked out?” Liam said while we were all sitting on the couch.

“I didn’t walk out on you.” I said.

“Yeah, you did.”

“I walked out because of Maggie.”

“Why do you hate her?”

“She just isn’t right for you.” I said.

“if she isn’t.. who is?”

“I don’t know.. not her.”

“Grace, you have Sidney.. let me have Maggie.”

“Comparing Maggie and Sidney is comparing night and day.” I said looking at Sidney.

“I just want someone.”

“I understand that, Liam. I get it and I love you.. but Maggie?”

“Maggie isn’t the perfect person.”

“you don’t have to be with the perfect person.” I said.

“Then why isn’t Maggie okay?”

“I just.. I don’t know, Liam. I don’t know what you want me to say. Okay.. be with her.. but you can’t be in my house and let her walk all over me. You can’t let her call me a bitch. You can’t let her do what she does. She makes me feel like an outsider in my own house! Its not fair.”

“You want me to say that I won’t see Maggie.. but that’s not going to happen.”

“Fine.. “ I said getting up.

“Grace.”

“Its fine.. We are fine. I just want to lay in bed and watch a movie with Sidney.” I said.

Thirty-Eight.

“Whats wrong?” Sidney said.

“Liam is an asshole.” I said.

“What?”

“ He chooses Maggie over me all the time.”

“She is his girlfriend?”

“I am his best friend! It should be no contest!” I said getting visibly upset.

“Just tell me what happened.”

“Maggie acts like she is ruler of the world. She just walks into my house. She doesn’t even knock. I own the house! I don’t even like Maggie and I let her basically live there, but come on.. its my house!” I said.

“You are this upset because she walked into your house without knocking?”

“Then she says I hit on her boyfriend.” I said and he just looked at me.

“I don’t. If I wanted to be with Liam, I could have this summer. There have been so many opportunities where he said all I had to do is say the word.. but I didn’t.” I said and he gave me a look.

“Don’t look at me like that.” I said.

“I just don’t really like thinking about you and Liam.”

“I know. But there is no me and Liam. I am sick of Maggie constantly saying I am the one that wants him. I don’t want him. He doesn’t want me anymore. We aren’t together. We love eachother but we aren’t in love with eachother.” I said.

“I know that.”

“You are cordial with Liam. It can’t be easy, but you are. Can’t she be the same with me?”

“Its just hard sometimes to compete with what you two have.”

“No one needs to compete. Liam and I are choosing not to be together, that’s the way it is.” I said.

“Grace, I know this. I don’t care about you and Liam. I just don’t want you to be upset.”

“I don’t want him to date Maggie.”

“Why?”

“Because she is a bitch. She has always been a bitch.” I said.

“Grace..”

“I’m serious, Sidney. I don’t try and be mean to her, but she makes it impossible.” I said tearing up a little.

“Why are you crying?”

“Because it hurts. It hurts to fight with Liam. It hurts to have someone pick someone over you.”

“Liam would never pick Maggie over you.”

“He did.”

“Then why are you here and not talking to him?”

“Because I needed you. I need you.”

“Maybe he needs Maggie like you need me.”

“He can’t.”

“Why?”

“She is just not good for him.” I said.

“Grace, everyone isn’t going to be with their soul mate. You just got to let him pick.” He said.

“I know.” I said wiping my eyes.

“Babe, don’t cry. Its not worth it.” He said giving me that cute look of his.

“Thanks for meeting me.” I said.

“Of course.”

“I’m serious. I’m so sorry what happened with us. I don’t want it to be like that ever again. I want it to be like this.” I said.

“It will be.”

“Promise?”

“Do you really think I am going to let you slip away twice?” He asked.

“Stop it.” I said laughing.

“I’m serious. Not happening.” He said. I just smiled.

“Want to go watch a movie or something?” He asked.

“Yeah..”

“Should you go back to talk to Liam?”

“We can go back to the apartment, but I don’t know if he will be there.”

“I think we should.”

“What if I just freak out again when I see her?”

“You won’t.”

“I don’t know.. she just gets under my skin.” I said.

“You won’t.. I’ll be there for you.” He said and he grabbed my hand.

Thirty-Seven

“I like him a lot.” Rose said the next morning.

“That’s good.. he is a good guy.”

“So what happened last night?”

“Sidney came over”

“What happened there?”

“He walked me home and we talked.”

“And..”

“We are figuring things out.”

“Who is figuring things out?” Liam asked walking into the living room.

“Her and Sidney.”

“What?”

“We are just talking..”

“What does that even mean?” Liam asked me.

“I don’t know, Liam. I don’t know why it really matters or why either of you care so much.” I said getting up and walking into my room.

“What?” I said irritated when I heard someone knock on my door.

“Talk to me..” Liam said.

“What? I don’t get why it matter, Liam. I really don’t get it.”

“It doesn’t matter. I just want to know.”

“You are with Maggie..”

“Yeah, I am. It doesn’t mean I stopped loving you. It doesn’t mean I still don’t want to know whats going on in your life.”

“We can’t keep having this conversation.”

“What conversation?”

“The conversation of you loving me and me loving you. You are with Maggie. We aren’t together. That’s just how it is.” I said.

“I know. So what happened with Sidney?”

“We just talked.”

“And?”

“We decided to talk. We are figuring out what is going to happen.”

“Liam!” I heard Maggie yell.

“Seriously?! Seriously, she is just here right now? She seriously just walked into my house?” I asked. Then I saw Maggie walking down the hallway.

“Ever hear of knocking?” I asked.

“Ever think to not hit on someone elses boyfriend?”

“Really? You want to go there?” Rose said. Apparently she heard what was going down from her room.

“Yeah, do you, Maggie?” I asked.

“Obviously.” She said.

“Stop it, Grace.” Liam said.

“Me? Really? What about Maggie?! What about Maggie and her thinking like she lives here.”

“What about you wanting my boyfriend?”

“IF I FUCKING WANTED LIAM! I WOULD HAVE HIM!! I HAVE SOMEONE ELSE. I WANT SOMEONE ELSE. I DON’T WANT LIAM! OKAY, BITCH!” I screamed.

“If you wanted him, you def couldn’t get him?”

“Really? What Liam and I had.. you two will never have. He is the love of my life.”

“But yet you two aren’t together right now.”

“Yeah, we aren’t. That doesn’t change the past.”

“Seriously, Maggie.. just leave. Knock when you come to my house.”

“Liam lives here too.”

“Who owns the fucking house, Maggie? Oh right! My family does!” I said.

“You are a bitch.”

“No, no, no.. you are a bitch and I really don’t see what Liam sees in you. He deserves so much better.” I said.

“Okay, Grace.. we get it. We will leave.” Liam said.

“I don’t want you to leave.. I want her to leave.”

“The only reason you don’t like me is because Liam picked me over you.”

“The only reason I don’t like you is because you are a fucking bitch!” I said and slammed my door shut.

Can we meet? I need to see you.

“Whats wrong?” He said calling me.

“Just had a blow out with Maggie.”

“What did Liam do?”

“Nothing. I just don’t want to be here.”

“Come to Sewickley. I’ll meet you at the café.”

I’m sorry.

Don’t be sorry.

I just didn’t know what to do.

Its fine.. I’ll see you in a few minutes.

Liam kept calling me.

“Liam, stop calling me.”

“Where are you?”

“I’m meeting Sidney.”

“We need to talk.”

“You have Maggie. How dare I be mean to Maggie? I don’t give a shit anymore, Liam.”

“I don’t care about that.”

“I think maybe you should.”

“Just come back.”

“Right now, I want to talk to Sidney, not you.” I simply said and hung up.

Thirty-Six.

“So what happened this summer?” Sidney asked me while we were sitting on my bed.

“I volunteered and went to class.”

“Fun.”

“You really want to know about James, don’t you?”

“Kind of.” He said.

“He is a doctor at the hospital.”

“How did you guys meet?”

“He is friends with Mollie. I met him randomly and then he was with Mollie. Then he just hung out with me and would help me with my classes.”

“Then it just started?”

“It was just casual, Sidney.”

“It didn’t seem casual.”

“It just happened.”

“Why did you guys break up?”

“Like to you right now it seems like I was with James. But you could ask anyone and it wasn’t like I forgot you. Liam basically asked me flat out why I wasn’t with you and if I kept thinking about you. It was never black and white. I was with James but it didn’t mean I stopped liking you or caring.”

“Then why were you with him at all?”

“exactly. We broke up for a reason, Sidney.”

“I’m sorry about everything this summer.”

“Me too, Sid. I didn’t think it would turn out like this, I mean like three months ago, I thought we would make it all summer.”

“I should have talked to you more. I should have talked to you about James and I should have told you about the Bahamas as soon as it happened. I just didn’t want to lose you.”

“We both should have done things differently. I shouldn’t have ever dated James. I should have stood up to my parents. I just don’t think I was strong enough. I should have been stronger. I should have just told them, but they just are worried. Everything that has happened, its just hard for them. They don’t want me to get attached to someone and then be disappointed.”

“I should have understood better. And I know that you have had an unique situation, but I don’t want to disappoint you. I want to be there for you.”

“I know. I just don’t really want this to happen again. I don’t want to walk in a room and not be able to talk to you.”

“I don’t want that either. I want to be with you.”

“We just need to start over. Start slow.”

“No more secrets.”

“No more secrets. I want to be your best friend.” He said.

“That’s what this summer was all about. Too bad its not summer anymore.”

“It doesn’t matter, Grace.” He said and I kissed him.

“I missed being able to do that.” I said smiling.

“I missed everything about you. Trust me.” He said kissing me again.

“Rose and Kris seem to like eachother.”

“He likes her a lot.” Sidney said.

“She deserves it. She was dating a guy for like five years and he broke up her for no reason a few weeks ago.”

“Kris just broke up with his girlfriend too.”

“I like him. He seems really nice.”

“He is. Rose would be good for him.”

“Rose deserves a good guy.”

“Who was that girl with Liam?”

“Maggie.” I said rolling my eyes.

“You don’t like her?”

“She is Liam’s girlfriend. She is so annoying. She won’t let Liam out of her site. She basically lives here. She hates me for no reason.”

“Wow, you really don’t like her.”

“She thinks that like if she isn’t around, I’m going to like hop into his bed or something. That ship has sailed.”

“She just must not be as understanding as me.” Sidney said.

“What?! You wanted to kill Liam before.”

“Not anymore. He is a good guy.” He said.

“I forgot how cute you are.” I said smiling. Then we kissed. And kissed. Then kissed some more.

“You should probably go.” I said breaking away from his kiss.

“You are probably right.” He said. I got up from my bed.

“Call me tomorrow or something.” I said and then he kissed me and left.

Is this really happening? Am I really back with Sidney? I can’t believe it. I can’t believe that he was just in my room and we talked. We talked about everything. Everything seems okay now. It was a weird night, but a night where everything seemed to fall into place.

Thirty-Five.

Sidney was there. As soon as I walked in, I saw him. He was with a girl. He was with a girl. I kept repeating that statement. Then I went for the alcohol.

“Grace, what are you doing?” Liam asked me.

“drinking?”

“Drinking what?”

“I don’t know. Jordan made it.”

“You don’t drink.”

“Tonight, I do.”

“Its about Sidney, right?”

“Everything isn’t about a boy.” I said looking right at Sidney and the girl. He saw me and I just looked away.

“Grace.. its okay.” Liam said putting his arm around me. Sidney saw it and so did Maggie.

“You can’t do this here. You have Maggie.” I whispered.

“But you need me, so obviously I am going to be here.” He said.

“I’m fine.” I said walking away. It seemed like everywhere I turned I saw something that hurt. I either saw Sidney with some girl not even caring that I am here, I saw Kris and Rose having a great time which shouldn’t hurt but I want to have someone too, then I would turn to see Liam and Maggie. I didn’t have Sidney. I didn’t even have Liam, even if he says I do.

“Hey could you make me another drink?” I asked Jordan.

“Sure, Grace.” He said smiling.

“Hey, man. Where have you been? I haven’t seen you at all.” Sidney said.

“I’ve been making drinks.” He said handing me another drink.

“You drink now?” Sidney asked me.

“Apparently, I do.” I said taking a drink and leaving the situation.

I couldn’t even really tell you what I did the whole night. I talked to Rose here and there. I talked to Kris and Max at random moments. Liam kept trying to keep an eye out for me but Maggie was like tailing him the whole time. After awhile, I just decided that I was going to leave. Liam was standing talking to Jordan, Max, and Sidney. I figured I had to tell Liam I was leaving, so I sucked it up and went to talk to Liam even if Sidney was near by.

“Hey. I’m going to go.” I told Liam.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m just tired. I’ll see you later.” I said and he just looked at me.

“Have fun. Make sure you don’t strand Rose and text me or come into my room when you get back.” I said and walked away.

Sidney’s POV

“Sorry, I have to go with her.” Liam said.

“Liam, I’ll go.” I said.

It hurt to see Grace today. I really didn’t think she would be here tonight. I’m not really sure why I thought that. I should have figured she would be. I mean Liam is her best friend and Liam is like best friends with Jordan and TK. I was just so surprised to see her. I kept looking at her and then seeing her drink. I didn’t even know she drank. All I wanted to do is go up to her and talk to her, but I couldn’t figure out what to say. I didn’t even know why we stopped talking. I didn’t know if she was still mad about the Bahamas. I just needed to make sure she was okay and I for sure didn’t want her to walk home by herself.

“Grace, wait up.” I called to her. She stopped and looked back at me.

“What are you doing?” She asked me.

“I didn’t want you to walk home alone.”

“Sidney, Its like two blocks away.”

“Yeah, with drunk guys on every corner.” I said.

“Oh, wow. Didn’t know you cared.” She said.

“Of course, I care.” I said.

“Could have fooled me.” She said and kept walking.

“Grace, we really need to talk.” I said.

“Well we have two blocks.” She said.

“Are you mad about the Bahamas? Because I’m sorry, Grace. It was stupid, I shouldn’t have done it. I regret it. I regret how everything turned out this summer. You were the girl I wanted and I fucked up. I don’t know what else to say.”

“I’m not mad about the Bahamas.” She said.

“You are mad about something.”

“I’m mad because we haven’t talked in like a month and it doesn’t even matter. I had a great guy. He had our future planned. He loved me and was ready for the commitment. And I wasn’t because of you.” She said.

“You and James broke up?”

“Yeah.. I broke up with someone for a guy that I can’t have either.” She said.

“Grace, I still want to be with you.”

“You just want to be with other girls too.” She said.

“No, that’s not what I want.”

“Sidney.. listen.” She said stopping and looking right at me.

“I wish me and you could work.. but I just don’t think we can.” She said.

“Because of your parents.”

“No, I don’t care about my parents anymore. I shouldn’t have let them tell me who to date. That was my fault.”

“Then why can’t we be together?”

“Because of who you are. Everywhere we turn there are girls that want to be with you. Girls who think of you constantly. You are the man of their dreams. I can’t compete with that.”

“You don’t have to compete with that.”

“I do. I have to trust you enough to not care when you go out at night. OR not to worry when you are on a road trip. I want to trust you and I want to be like I missed you so bad. Because I did. I missed you and I like you but I just..”

“Grace.. you are my perfect girl. I may be the man of girls dreams, but you are the girl of my dreams.”

“Don’t say things like that.”

“It’s the truth.”

“Its not. It can’t be.”

“But it is. I missed you and I fucked up in the Bahamas. I want you and I can’t imagine not wanting you. I couldn’t stop looking at you. All I kept thinking is that I didn’t even know you drank. I don’t know so many things about you.. I want to know so many things about you. I want to know everything about you.”

“I don’t drink. I drank because when I walked in you were with a girl. I was drinking because I miss you and you didn’t even care that I was in the same room as you.”

“That’s not true. And the girl I didn’t even know. We weren’t together, we were just talking. We happened to sit by eachother. And of course I care that you were in the same room as me. I thought you were still with James.”

“I’m not.”

“I know that now. Grace, I just want another chance.” I said putting my hands on her waist. We were standing right infront of her apartment by now.

Grace’s POV

“I just don’t know.” I said and he kissed me.

“Please.” He said and I walked up the stairs to the door.

“You can come, obviously.” I said looking back at him.

Thirty-Four.

The next night, I was alone in the apartment. Rose was out with Ben getting food. Liam was with Maggie, big surprise. I heard a knock on the door, and I was confused. I walked up to the door in my pajamas, not thinking anything of it. I opened the door to find James.

“Hey?” I said a little confused.

“Hey, can I come in?” He asked.

“Yeah of course.” I said. We both just sat on the couch.

“Whats up?” I asked.

“I’m sorry, I just got off from work and I ended up here.” He said.

“Its fine.”

After awhile of just sitting watching TV, I broke the silence.

“James..” I said.

“We can’t do this.” I said.

“Do what?”

“I want to be friends with you. I’m fine hanging out with you, but we can’t be together.”

“Everything was fine a few days ago.”

“Yeah, until you made it serious. I’m 19.” I said.

“ I know that, babe.”

“Sometimes, I don’t think you do.” I said.

“But I want to be with you.” He said putting his hand on my leg.

“I just think you should go.” I said and stood up.

School has been in session for about two weeks now. Classes are hard, but what do you expect. I haven’t been volunteering as much. I do it about once a week. Its weird when I see James because I think he still wants something with me, but I don’t want anything. I think Sidney is back, but I am not sure. I haven’t really heard from him and I’m not sure why. I don’t know why we stopped talking we just did. Nothing major happened. I couldn’t decide if I was excited to see him or not. I knew it was inevitable that we would eventually cross paths. I was doing everything in my power to avoid it.

One day I walked in after being at the library to find some house guests I wasn’t expecting. Jordan, Kris, Liam, and Rose were all sitting in the living room playing the wii.

“Hey guys.” I said unexpectingly.

“Hi Grace. How are you?” Kris asked. So very much like Kris. He was always so polite.

“I’m good. I didn’t think I would see you guys here. You usually congregate at Max’s.”

“True. We thought we would change it up a bit.” Jordan said.

“Well you guys are always welcome here.” I said and walked to my room.

“Hey do you mind them being here?” Liam later asked.

“No, why would I?”

“I don’t know.”

“I guess that means Sidney is back.”

“They all had to be back by today, so I guess.” He said.

“Good to know.” I said and just flipped on the TV.

“If you need me, I’ll be out there.” Liam said.

“I’m fine. Just going to watch some TV.”

“Hey what did you do when you came back last night?” Rose asked. It was a Saturday morning so she was making breakfast. Every Saturday she makes all of us breakfast, I’m not sure when that tradition started but I wasn’t complaining.

“I just watched TV. What did you do?”

“We played games and then we watched a movie.”

“We?”

“Maggie, Liam, Kris, and I.”

“Jordan left?”

“Yeah, I’m not sure why.”

“Oh.”

“They said Sidney was back.”

“yeah, I figured.”

“Kris said he missed you.”

“Doesn’t matter, Rose. Sidney and I aren’t even talking.”

“I know, its just. Maybe it doesn’t have to be that way.”

“Maybe that’s the way it is suppose to be.”

Later that day I was in my room cleaning up and jamming out to Miley Cyrus. Yes, I am a loser.

“Whats up, Rose?” I asked. I don’t know when she walked in but when I turned around, there she was.

“Will you go to Max’s with me tonight?” She asked me and I just gave her a look.

“I guess he is having people over. Liam is going.”

“Obviously.”

“Kris invited me.”

“You like Kris?” I asked and she got red.

“Its okay, Rose. Kris is a good guy.”

“Will you please come with me? I don’t want to go alone.”

“Liam will be there.”

“Its not the same.”

“Please, Grace.”

“Fine.” I said.

I didn’t want to go. That was for sure, but Rose was so excited. She kept coming in asking me what she should wear. It was really cute. I was really happy that she liked him. Kris is a great guy.

“What are you going to wear?” She asked me about twenty minutes before we were going to leave.

“I don’t know?”

“Did you even shower?”

“I’m not trying to impress anyone!”

“Go shower!!”

“Is this better?” I asked her. I went into her room, my hair was straight and I had on acceptable clothes.

“Much.”

“Sidney is not going to be there.” She said.

“How do you know?”

“Kris told me.”

“Where is he going to be?”

“I don’t know. Does it matter?”

“No, you are right.”

We got to Max’s around ten. As soon as we got there it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Thirty-Three.

“I loved that song so much.” I said after he played it for me. When I was first diagnosed, I was so obsessed with listening to 90’s love songs. My favorite was Truly, Madly, Deeply by Savage Garden. I know its rather stupid, but I loved it. One night, after I had a really bad day of chemo, Liam came into my room. He just started singing me that song. It was one of the most romantic things anyone has ever done for me. It was so amazing. Just hearing that song gives me chills.

“I loved you so much.” He said.

“What happened to go from there to where we are right now?” I asked.

“a bunch of mistakes.” He said.

“It hurts sometimes to think about how we use to be.” I said.

“I’m so sorry for the Morgan thing.”

“I know, Liam. I forgive you.”

“I didn’t deserve to be forgiven. You deserved so much better than I gave you.”

“Liam, you were everything to me. You gave me everything. Without you, I wouldn’t be here right now.”

“Then I messed up.”

“People make mistakes.”

“I just.. I’m really sorry. If I could take it back, I would.”

“I know, Liam. Things happen for a reason.” I said.

“So you think we were meant to break up?”

“I think we had to have been. I mean we didn’t get back together. Its been a year.”

“I wanted to get back with you. You picked Sidney.”

“To be honest, I didn’t really think you wanted me back.”

“Of course, I wanted you back. I always want you.” He said.

“Liam, we can’t be having this conversation.” I said.

“Why not?”

“Because you are dating Maggie.”

“Maggie means nothing compared to you.”

“Liam, I love you. The love we had may be the best I will ever experience in my life, but its over now. You cheated on me. You decided it was over. I’m not bitter, I’m not mad, but its over. For so long I wanted you to say the things you have said. For so long I was hoping you would just kiss me. But, you didn’t.”

“I’m stupid.”

“you aren’t stupid. Its just.. we aren’t the same people anymore.”

“That doesn’t mean we still wouldn’t work.”

“but we can’t figure it out. You have Maggie. You are 19 years old, you should be able to live life without having to report to me. I love you and nothing will change that.” I said.

“I’m just scared that I’m losing you.”

“you will never lose me, Liam.” I said.

“Promise.”

“I promise. You know everything about me and love me anyway. That’s true love.” I said.