Double!

“So what exactly are you and Kris?” I asked one night while Rose and I were sitting on the couch.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean like are you two dating?”

“We are dating, but its nothing official.”

“Yeah, I’m not into the whole being official thing.”

“You and Sidney aren’t official?” Rose asked surprised.

“No. I think he wants to be.”

“Why?”

“Just like the little comments he makes when we are laying in bed together or his texts or something like that.”

“Why don’t you just do it then?”

“He is in Sweden right now. How crazy is that?”

“That’s why you aren’t with him because he is in Sweden? He will be back in like a week.”

“Yeah, and then he will go somewhere else.”

“Kris and I are in the same situation.”

“I know. Its not the reason. Saying the words that he is my boyfriend just seems to make things so much more complicated. Its so good right now. Why mess with it?”

“I see what you are saying..but don’t you want to just know that no one else can have him.”

“No one else can have him. Its not like us being official makes me like him more or him more loyal to me.”

“Don’t you want all his fans to know he is taken?”

“Sidney will never go public. Sidney and I will be dating and whatnot but he won’t ever publicly say he has a girlfriend.”

“Why?”

“He shouldn’t have too. Its his life. If he wants too great, if he doesn’t. Whatever.”

“Doesn’t it bother you?”

“Not at all.”

“How can’t it bother you?”

“Am I the girl he calls before bed every night? Am I the girl he comes home too? Am I the girl he steals kisses with after games? All that is enough for me.”

“Grace I can tell when you talk about him how much you like him..”

“I know. Its scary. It scares me.”

“Why?”

“Cause it could all go away. You were dating someone for four years and out of nowhere he breaks up with you.. he was an ass but it still happened. Its scary as shit to put yourself out there.”

“You have to though. I’m scared. Kris and I both just got out of bad relationships and plus the whole thing with Luc.. Kris and I have a lot to work through.”

“No relationship is perfect.. that’s what I always think to myself.” I said.

“So how hard is it when they go away?”

“I mean Sidney and I weren’t really together much during the season.. but its hard. But usually the longest they are away is a week or so. This trip will be the longest.” I said.

“It sucks.” Rose said.

“Yes. Yes it does. But when he comes back it feels so good.” I said laughing.

“I know, I can’t wait to just put my arms around Kris.”

“I can think of something else I rather do than just put my arms around Sidney!” I said and we both laughed.

“Eww! I don’t want to hear that stuff.” Rose said.

“Yeah okay.. I’m sure you and Kris have enough fun.” I said.

“Stop!” Rose said giggling.

“Speak of the devil. Sidney is calling.” I said and picked up my phone.

“Hey babe.” I said picking up.

“Babe?” Rose said.

“Shut up!” I said and walked out of the room to my room.

“What time is it there?” I asked confused on why he was calling at the time. Then I looked at my clock and saw that it was almost 2 so it was morning in Sweden.

“I miss you.” He said.

“Sid, I miss you too.” I said laying on my bed.

“How is it there?” I asked.

“Its been good. Seems like we have forever until we play, though.” He said.

“Yeah. I wish you were here with me.” I said.

“Me too, babe.” He said.

We talked for awhile and then I fell asleep. It was weird feeling. I missed Sidney. I wanted to be with Sidney. I wanted to call him my boyfriend. I want to hold hands and walk to get coffee together, I want all those things. But somethings can’t happen when you are with Sidney Crosby. And I’m still figuring out how to deal with that.

“Liam..” I said walking into his bedroom early in the morning.

“Whats wrong?” He asked.

“I think something is wrong.” I whispered and went over to his bed.

“What do you mean?” He asked not really sure where I was going with this.

“I think its back.” I whispered.

“What? Why?”

“There was blood today.. like a lot of blood in the toilet.” I said.

“do you know the chances of you getting a different kind of cancer?” He asked.

“It could have just spread to my intestines that’s why there was blood.. doesn’t mean I have a different type.” I said.

“Grace..” He said and I just started to cry. He wrapped me up in his arms and his covers.

“I’m scared.” I said between tears.

“Everything is going to be fine. I promise.” He said.

“I don’t want to go to the doctor.”

“We have too.”

“I just have this knot in my stomach.”

“I’m going to be with you the whole time.. I’m not going to let anything happen.” He said.

“I just don’t know, Liam. I’m not ready to do this again.” I said.

“Lay here, I will go call the doctor.”

Hey babe.

Hey, Sid. How’s it going?

Good, I miss you.

I miss you too. So much.

Just a few more days.

I know..

Is something wrong?

I just miss you. I’ll call you later.

“Did you tell Sidney?” Liam asked when he came back in.

“No. Did you get an appointment?”

“Yeah.. later today. Why didn’t you tell Sidney?”

“He is in Sweden. He can’t do anything but worry. Its not necessary.”

“He could help you worry less.”

“It would be just for my benefit to tell him, not his. HE doesn’t need to know.. not right now. If something bad happens I will tell him. Right now its just speculation.”

“Grace, he loves you. He would want to know.”

“Liam. I wish Sidney was here. I wish that I could just cry and cry and cry and I wish Sidney could make this all go away. He isn’t. He is in Sweden and no matter how much you and Sidney try you can’t make this go away.” I said crying.

“I’m here, Grace. I love you and I’m not going anywhere.” He said holding me closer.

So we went to the doctors later that day. It was scary walking in there. I was scared. I had this pit in my stomach. It felt so familiar. I was so glad that Liam was there, but all I wanted was to hear Sidney’s voice.I wanted to tell him.. I needed to tell him, but he was in Sweden. There was nothing he could do except worry. I didn’t want to do that to him even if it would make me feel slightly better.

They drew blood. And I waited with Liam. Holding hands. Holding Liam’s hand and feeling my phone vibrate and see Sidney’s call and I couldn’t take it.

“Its not back.” The doctor said. Liam just squeezed my hand.

“Then why all the blood?”

“Stress maybe? Maybe its just a coincidence.. its not back. I can guarantee that.” The doctor said.

“Okay, well thanks.” Liam spoke for me. I couldn’t get the words out.

“Of course. You two take care of each other.” He said shaking Liam’s hand.

“We always do.” Liam said grabbing my hand and we walked out of the office.

“Are you okay?” Liam asked me when we got into the car.

“I’m fine.”

“Then why couldn’t you talk?”

“I just don’t want to talk.” I said.

“Okay.” He said and we drove in silence. Then we walked into the apartment in silence. I went into my bedroom and I was glad I never heard Maggie ever come. I just laid in bed in the dark. I don’t know why I was so sad. I should have been happy. I don’t have cancer. I don’t have it again. I kept repeating that to myself.

But for a few hours I thought I did.. and it brought me back there. It brought back the hurt and being scared.. and thinking about dying. It made me think about leaving Sidney behind. It made me think of leaving Liam. I kept seeing Sidney called or that he text. He is probably wondering what is up but I just didn’t want to have to talk about it or explain why I feel the way I do.

“Whats wrong?” Liam whispered in my ear. He came and put his arms around me in bed.

“I was just so scared.” I said turning to face him.

“Don’t you know that I would never let anything happen to you.” He said wiping away my tears.

thirty-nine

Sorry I have been nonexistent lately.. hopefully that will change from now on.. atleast one update a week.. maybe more..

“LIAM!” I said yelling as soon as we walk into the apartment.

“The bitch is back.” Maggie said.

“Breathe.” Sidney whispered in my ear.

“Liam, can I talk to you?” I asked trying to stay calm.

“I’m glad you came back.” Liam said.

“Of course I would come back, Liam.”

“Right.. because you two are soul mates. How dare I try and mess with fate?” Maggie said.

“Maggie.. I think you should just let them figure it out.” Sidney said.

“You are just okay with this all?” Maggie asked Sidney.

“Yeah? You just deal with it.” Sidney said.

“I’m leaving.” Maggie said.

“Don’t leave.” Liam said.

“You have to talk to Grace.”

“Yeah, I do have to talk to Grace but that doesn’t mean you have to leave.” Liam said.

“It actually does mean that. You can’t have us both, Liam.”Maggie said.

“That’s completely not fair. Grace is my best friend. MY BEST FRIEND! But that’s it.” Liam said.

“I am with Sidney now. I don’t want Liam. I don’t want to cause problems with you two.. I just want to co-exist with you.”I said to Maggie.

“Liam, just call me later.” Maggie said leaving the apartment.

“Do you want me to leave so you two can talk?” Sidney asked.

“No, babe. You can stay.” I said.

“I don’t get why you hate Maggie. I don’t get why you just walked out?” Liam said while we were all sitting on the couch.

“I didn’t walk out on you.” I said.

“Yeah, you did.”

“I walked out because of Maggie.”

“Why do you hate her?”

“She just isn’t right for you.” I said.

“if she isn’t.. who is?”

“I don’t know.. not her.”

“Grace, you have Sidney.. let me have Maggie.”

“Comparing Maggie and Sidney is comparing night and day.” I said looking at Sidney.

“I just want someone.”

“I understand that, Liam. I get it and I love you.. but Maggie?”

“Maggie isn’t the perfect person.”

“you don’t have to be with the perfect person.” I said.

“Then why isn’t Maggie okay?”

“I just.. I don’t know, Liam. I don’t know what you want me to say. Okay.. be with her.. but you can’t be in my house and let her walk all over me. You can’t let her call me a bitch. You can’t let her do what she does. She makes me feel like an outsider in my own house! Its not fair.”

“You want me to say that I won’t see Maggie.. but that’s not going to happen.”

“Fine.. “ I said getting up.

“Grace.”

“Its fine.. We are fine. I just want to lay in bed and watch a movie with Sidney.” I said.

Thirty-Eight.

“Whats wrong?” Sidney said.

“Liam is an asshole.” I said.

“What?”

“ He chooses Maggie over me all the time.”

“She is his girlfriend?”

“I am his best friend! It should be no contest!” I said getting visibly upset.

“Just tell me what happened.”

“Maggie acts like she is ruler of the world. She just walks into my house. She doesn’t even knock. I own the house! I don’t even like Maggie and I let her basically live there, but come on.. its my house!” I said.

“You are this upset because she walked into your house without knocking?”

“Then she says I hit on her boyfriend.” I said and he just looked at me.

“I don’t. If I wanted to be with Liam, I could have this summer. There have been so many opportunities where he said all I had to do is say the word.. but I didn’t.” I said and he gave me a look.

“Don’t look at me like that.” I said.

“I just don’t really like thinking about you and Liam.”

“I know. But there is no me and Liam. I am sick of Maggie constantly saying I am the one that wants him. I don’t want him. He doesn’t want me anymore. We aren’t together. We love eachother but we aren’t in love with eachother.” I said.

“I know that.”

“You are cordial with Liam. It can’t be easy, but you are. Can’t she be the same with me?”

“Its just hard sometimes to compete with what you two have.”

“No one needs to compete. Liam and I are choosing not to be together, that’s the way it is.” I said.

“Grace, I know this. I don’t care about you and Liam. I just don’t want you to be upset.”

“I don’t want him to date Maggie.”

“Why?”

“Because she is a bitch. She has always been a bitch.” I said.

“Grace..”

“I’m serious, Sidney. I don’t try and be mean to her, but she makes it impossible.” I said tearing up a little.

“Why are you crying?”

“Because it hurts. It hurts to fight with Liam. It hurts to have someone pick someone over you.”

“Liam would never pick Maggie over you.”

“He did.”

“Then why are you here and not talking to him?”

“Because I needed you. I need you.”

“Maybe he needs Maggie like you need me.”

“He can’t.”

“Why?”

“She is just not good for him.” I said.

“Grace, everyone isn’t going to be with their soul mate. You just got to let him pick.” He said.

“I know.” I said wiping my eyes.

“Babe, don’t cry. Its not worth it.” He said giving me that cute look of his.

“Thanks for meeting me.” I said.

“Of course.”

“I’m serious. I’m so sorry what happened with us. I don’t want it to be like that ever again. I want it to be like this.” I said.

“It will be.”

“Promise?”

“Do you really think I am going to let you slip away twice?” He asked.

“Stop it.” I said laughing.

“I’m serious. Not happening.” He said. I just smiled.

“Want to go watch a movie or something?” He asked.

“Yeah..”

“Should you go back to talk to Liam?”

“We can go back to the apartment, but I don’t know if he will be there.”

“I think we should.”

“What if I just freak out again when I see her?”

“You won’t.”

“I don’t know.. she just gets under my skin.” I said.

“You won’t.. I’ll be there for you.” He said and he grabbed my hand.

Thirty-Seven

“I like him a lot.” Rose said the next morning.

“That’s good.. he is a good guy.”

“So what happened last night?”

“Sidney came over”

“What happened there?”

“He walked me home and we talked.”

“And..”

“We are figuring things out.”

“Who is figuring things out?” Liam asked walking into the living room.

“Her and Sidney.”

“What?”

“We are just talking..”

“What does that even mean?” Liam asked me.

“I don’t know, Liam. I don’t know why it really matters or why either of you care so much.” I said getting up and walking into my room.

“What?” I said irritated when I heard someone knock on my door.

“Talk to me..” Liam said.

“What? I don’t get why it matter, Liam. I really don’t get it.”

“It doesn’t matter. I just want to know.”

“You are with Maggie..”

“Yeah, I am. It doesn’t mean I stopped loving you. It doesn’t mean I still don’t want to know whats going on in your life.”

“We can’t keep having this conversation.”

“What conversation?”

“The conversation of you loving me and me loving you. You are with Maggie. We aren’t together. That’s just how it is.” I said.

“I know. So what happened with Sidney?”

“We just talked.”

“And?”

“We decided to talk. We are figuring out what is going to happen.”

“Liam!” I heard Maggie yell.

“Seriously?! Seriously, she is just here right now? She seriously just walked into my house?” I asked. Then I saw Maggie walking down the hallway.

“Ever hear of knocking?” I asked.

“Ever think to not hit on someone elses boyfriend?”

“Really? You want to go there?” Rose said. Apparently she heard what was going down from her room.

“Yeah, do you, Maggie?” I asked.

“Obviously.” She said.

“Stop it, Grace.” Liam said.

“Me? Really? What about Maggie?! What about Maggie and her thinking like she lives here.”

“What about you wanting my boyfriend?”

“IF I FUCKING WANTED LIAM! I WOULD HAVE HIM!! I HAVE SOMEONE ELSE. I WANT SOMEONE ELSE. I DON’T WANT LIAM! OKAY, BITCH!” I screamed.

“If you wanted him, you def couldn’t get him?”

“Really? What Liam and I had.. you two will never have. He is the love of my life.”

“But yet you two aren’t together right now.”

“Yeah, we aren’t. That doesn’t change the past.”

“Seriously, Maggie.. just leave. Knock when you come to my house.”

“Liam lives here too.”

“Who owns the fucking house, Maggie? Oh right! My family does!” I said.

“You are a bitch.”

“No, no, no.. you are a bitch and I really don’t see what Liam sees in you. He deserves so much better.” I said.

“Okay, Grace.. we get it. We will leave.” Liam said.

“I don’t want you to leave.. I want her to leave.”

“The only reason you don’t like me is because Liam picked me over you.”

“The only reason I don’t like you is because you are a fucking bitch!” I said and slammed my door shut.

Can we meet? I need to see you.

“Whats wrong?” He said calling me.

“Just had a blow out with Maggie.”

“What did Liam do?”

“Nothing. I just don’t want to be here.”

“Come to Sewickley. I’ll meet you at the café.”

I’m sorry.

Don’t be sorry.

I just didn’t know what to do.

Its fine.. I’ll see you in a few minutes.

Liam kept calling me.

“Liam, stop calling me.”

“Where are you?”

“I’m meeting Sidney.”

“We need to talk.”

“You have Maggie. How dare I be mean to Maggie? I don’t give a shit anymore, Liam.”

“I don’t care about that.”

“I think maybe you should.”

“Just come back.”

“Right now, I want to talk to Sidney, not you.” I simply said and hung up.

Thirty-Six.

“So what happened this summer?” Sidney asked me while we were sitting on my bed.

“I volunteered and went to class.”

“Fun.”

“You really want to know about James, don’t you?”

“Kind of.” He said.

“He is a doctor at the hospital.”

“How did you guys meet?”

“He is friends with Mollie. I met him randomly and then he was with Mollie. Then he just hung out with me and would help me with my classes.”

“Then it just started?”

“It was just casual, Sidney.”

“It didn’t seem casual.”

“It just happened.”

“Why did you guys break up?”

“Like to you right now it seems like I was with James. But you could ask anyone and it wasn’t like I forgot you. Liam basically asked me flat out why I wasn’t with you and if I kept thinking about you. It was never black and white. I was with James but it didn’t mean I stopped liking you or caring.”

“Then why were you with him at all?”

“exactly. We broke up for a reason, Sidney.”

“I’m sorry about everything this summer.”

“Me too, Sid. I didn’t think it would turn out like this, I mean like three months ago, I thought we would make it all summer.”

“I should have talked to you more. I should have talked to you about James and I should have told you about the Bahamas as soon as it happened. I just didn’t want to lose you.”

“We both should have done things differently. I shouldn’t have ever dated James. I should have stood up to my parents. I just don’t think I was strong enough. I should have been stronger. I should have just told them, but they just are worried. Everything that has happened, its just hard for them. They don’t want me to get attached to someone and then be disappointed.”

“I should have understood better. And I know that you have had an unique situation, but I don’t want to disappoint you. I want to be there for you.”

“I know. I just don’t really want this to happen again. I don’t want to walk in a room and not be able to talk to you.”

“I don’t want that either. I want to be with you.”

“We just need to start over. Start slow.”

“No more secrets.”

“No more secrets. I want to be your best friend.” He said.

“That’s what this summer was all about. Too bad its not summer anymore.”

“It doesn’t matter, Grace.” He said and I kissed him.

“I missed being able to do that.” I said smiling.

“I missed everything about you. Trust me.” He said kissing me again.

“Rose and Kris seem to like eachother.”

“He likes her a lot.” Sidney said.

“She deserves it. She was dating a guy for like five years and he broke up her for no reason a few weeks ago.”

“Kris just broke up with his girlfriend too.”

“I like him. He seems really nice.”

“He is. Rose would be good for him.”

“Rose deserves a good guy.”

“Who was that girl with Liam?”

“Maggie.” I said rolling my eyes.

“You don’t like her?”

“She is Liam’s girlfriend. She is so annoying. She won’t let Liam out of her site. She basically lives here. She hates me for no reason.”

“Wow, you really don’t like her.”

“She thinks that like if she isn’t around, I’m going to like hop into his bed or something. That ship has sailed.”

“She just must not be as understanding as me.” Sidney said.

“What?! You wanted to kill Liam before.”

“Not anymore. He is a good guy.” He said.

“I forgot how cute you are.” I said smiling. Then we kissed. And kissed. Then kissed some more.

“You should probably go.” I said breaking away from his kiss.

“You are probably right.” He said. I got up from my bed.

“Call me tomorrow or something.” I said and then he kissed me and left.

Is this really happening? Am I really back with Sidney? I can’t believe it. I can’t believe that he was just in my room and we talked. We talked about everything. Everything seems okay now. It was a weird night, but a night where everything seemed to fall into place.

Thirty-Five.

Sidney was there. As soon as I walked in, I saw him. He was with a girl. He was with a girl. I kept repeating that statement. Then I went for the alcohol.

“Grace, what are you doing?” Liam asked me.

“drinking?”

“Drinking what?”

“I don’t know. Jordan made it.”

“You don’t drink.”

“Tonight, I do.”

“Its about Sidney, right?”

“Everything isn’t about a boy.” I said looking right at Sidney and the girl. He saw me and I just looked away.

“Grace.. its okay.” Liam said putting his arm around me. Sidney saw it and so did Maggie.

“You can’t do this here. You have Maggie.” I whispered.

“But you need me, so obviously I am going to be here.” He said.

“I’m fine.” I said walking away. It seemed like everywhere I turned I saw something that hurt. I either saw Sidney with some girl not even caring that I am here, I saw Kris and Rose having a great time which shouldn’t hurt but I want to have someone too, then I would turn to see Liam and Maggie. I didn’t have Sidney. I didn’t even have Liam, even if he says I do.

“Hey could you make me another drink?” I asked Jordan.

“Sure, Grace.” He said smiling.

“Hey, man. Where have you been? I haven’t seen you at all.” Sidney said.

“I’ve been making drinks.” He said handing me another drink.

“You drink now?” Sidney asked me.

“Apparently, I do.” I said taking a drink and leaving the situation.

I couldn’t even really tell you what I did the whole night. I talked to Rose here and there. I talked to Kris and Max at random moments. Liam kept trying to keep an eye out for me but Maggie was like tailing him the whole time. After awhile, I just decided that I was going to leave. Liam was standing talking to Jordan, Max, and Sidney. I figured I had to tell Liam I was leaving, so I sucked it up and went to talk to Liam even if Sidney was near by.

“Hey. I’m going to go.” I told Liam.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m just tired. I’ll see you later.” I said and he just looked at me.

“Have fun. Make sure you don’t strand Rose and text me or come into my room when you get back.” I said and walked away.

Sidney’s POV

“Sorry, I have to go with her.” Liam said.

“Liam, I’ll go.” I said.

It hurt to see Grace today. I really didn’t think she would be here tonight. I’m not really sure why I thought that. I should have figured she would be. I mean Liam is her best friend and Liam is like best friends with Jordan and TK. I was just so surprised to see her. I kept looking at her and then seeing her drink. I didn’t even know she drank. All I wanted to do is go up to her and talk to her, but I couldn’t figure out what to say. I didn’t even know why we stopped talking. I didn’t know if she was still mad about the Bahamas. I just needed to make sure she was okay and I for sure didn’t want her to walk home by herself.

“Grace, wait up.” I called to her. She stopped and looked back at me.

“What are you doing?” She asked me.

“I didn’t want you to walk home alone.”

“Sidney, Its like two blocks away.”

“Yeah, with drunk guys on every corner.” I said.

“Oh, wow. Didn’t know you cared.” She said.

“Of course, I care.” I said.

“Could have fooled me.” She said and kept walking.

“Grace, we really need to talk.” I said.

“Well we have two blocks.” She said.

“Are you mad about the Bahamas? Because I’m sorry, Grace. It was stupid, I shouldn’t have done it. I regret it. I regret how everything turned out this summer. You were the girl I wanted and I fucked up. I don’t know what else to say.”

“I’m not mad about the Bahamas.” She said.

“You are mad about something.”

“I’m mad because we haven’t talked in like a month and it doesn’t even matter. I had a great guy. He had our future planned. He loved me and was ready for the commitment. And I wasn’t because of you.” She said.

“You and James broke up?”

“Yeah.. I broke up with someone for a guy that I can’t have either.” She said.

“Grace, I still want to be with you.”

“You just want to be with other girls too.” She said.

“No, that’s not what I want.”

“Sidney.. listen.” She said stopping and looking right at me.

“I wish me and you could work.. but I just don’t think we can.” She said.

“Because of your parents.”

“No, I don’t care about my parents anymore. I shouldn’t have let them tell me who to date. That was my fault.”

“Then why can’t we be together?”

“Because of who you are. Everywhere we turn there are girls that want to be with you. Girls who think of you constantly. You are the man of their dreams. I can’t compete with that.”

“You don’t have to compete with that.”

“I do. I have to trust you enough to not care when you go out at night. OR not to worry when you are on a road trip. I want to trust you and I want to be like I missed you so bad. Because I did. I missed you and I like you but I just..”

“Grace.. you are my perfect girl. I may be the man of girls dreams, but you are the girl of my dreams.”

“Don’t say things like that.”

“It’s the truth.”

“Its not. It can’t be.”

“But it is. I missed you and I fucked up in the Bahamas. I want you and I can’t imagine not wanting you. I couldn’t stop looking at you. All I kept thinking is that I didn’t even know you drank. I don’t know so many things about you.. I want to know so many things about you. I want to know everything about you.”

“I don’t drink. I drank because when I walked in you were with a girl. I was drinking because I miss you and you didn’t even care that I was in the same room as you.”

“That’s not true. And the girl I didn’t even know. We weren’t together, we were just talking. We happened to sit by eachother. And of course I care that you were in the same room as me. I thought you were still with James.”

“I’m not.”

“I know that now. Grace, I just want another chance.” I said putting my hands on her waist. We were standing right infront of her apartment by now.

Grace’s POV

“I just don’t know.” I said and he kissed me.

“Please.” He said and I walked up the stairs to the door.

“You can come, obviously.” I said looking back at him.

Thirty-Four.

The next night, I was alone in the apartment. Rose was out with Ben getting food. Liam was with Maggie, big surprise. I heard a knock on the door, and I was confused. I walked up to the door in my pajamas, not thinking anything of it. I opened the door to find James.

“Hey?” I said a little confused.

“Hey, can I come in?” He asked.

“Yeah of course.” I said. We both just sat on the couch.

“Whats up?” I asked.

“I’m sorry, I just got off from work and I ended up here.” He said.

“Its fine.”

After awhile of just sitting watching TV, I broke the silence.

“James..” I said.

“We can’t do this.” I said.

“Do what?”

“I want to be friends with you. I’m fine hanging out with you, but we can’t be together.”

“Everything was fine a few days ago.”

“Yeah, until you made it serious. I’m 19.” I said.

“ I know that, babe.”

“Sometimes, I don’t think you do.” I said.

“But I want to be with you.” He said putting his hand on my leg.

“I just think you should go.” I said and stood up.

School has been in session for about two weeks now. Classes are hard, but what do you expect. I haven’t been volunteering as much. I do it about once a week. Its weird when I see James because I think he still wants something with me, but I don’t want anything. I think Sidney is back, but I am not sure. I haven’t really heard from him and I’m not sure why. I don’t know why we stopped talking we just did. Nothing major happened. I couldn’t decide if I was excited to see him or not. I knew it was inevitable that we would eventually cross paths. I was doing everything in my power to avoid it.

One day I walked in after being at the library to find some house guests I wasn’t expecting. Jordan, Kris, Liam, and Rose were all sitting in the living room playing the wii.

“Hey guys.” I said unexpectingly.

“Hi Grace. How are you?” Kris asked. So very much like Kris. He was always so polite.

“I’m good. I didn’t think I would see you guys here. You usually congregate at Max’s.”

“True. We thought we would change it up a bit.” Jordan said.

“Well you guys are always welcome here.” I said and walked to my room.

“Hey do you mind them being here?” Liam later asked.

“No, why would I?”

“I don’t know.”

“I guess that means Sidney is back.”

“They all had to be back by today, so I guess.” He said.

“Good to know.” I said and just flipped on the TV.

“If you need me, I’ll be out there.” Liam said.

“I’m fine. Just going to watch some TV.”

“Hey what did you do when you came back last night?” Rose asked. It was a Saturday morning so she was making breakfast. Every Saturday she makes all of us breakfast, I’m not sure when that tradition started but I wasn’t complaining.

“I just watched TV. What did you do?”

“We played games and then we watched a movie.”

“We?”

“Maggie, Liam, Kris, and I.”

“Jordan left?”

“Yeah, I’m not sure why.”

“Oh.”

“They said Sidney was back.”

“yeah, I figured.”

“Kris said he missed you.”

“Doesn’t matter, Rose. Sidney and I aren’t even talking.”

“I know, its just. Maybe it doesn’t have to be that way.”

“Maybe that’s the way it is suppose to be.”

Later that day I was in my room cleaning up and jamming out to Miley Cyrus. Yes, I am a loser.

“Whats up, Rose?” I asked. I don’t know when she walked in but when I turned around, there she was.

“Will you go to Max’s with me tonight?” She asked me and I just gave her a look.

“I guess he is having people over. Liam is going.”

“Obviously.”

“Kris invited me.”

“You like Kris?” I asked and she got red.

“Its okay, Rose. Kris is a good guy.”

“Will you please come with me? I don’t want to go alone.”

“Liam will be there.”

“Its not the same.”

“Please, Grace.”

“Fine.” I said.

I didn’t want to go. That was for sure, but Rose was so excited. She kept coming in asking me what she should wear. It was really cute. I was really happy that she liked him. Kris is a great guy.

“What are you going to wear?” She asked me about twenty minutes before we were going to leave.

“I don’t know?”

“Did you even shower?”

“I’m not trying to impress anyone!”

“Go shower!!”

“Is this better?” I asked her. I went into her room, my hair was straight and I had on acceptable clothes.

“Much.”

“Sidney is not going to be there.” She said.

“How do you know?”

“Kris told me.”

“Where is he going to be?”

“I don’t know. Does it matter?”

“No, you are right.”

We got to Max’s around ten. As soon as we got there it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Thirty-Three.

“I loved that song so much.” I said after he played it for me. When I was first diagnosed, I was so obsessed with listening to 90’s love songs. My favorite was Truly, Madly, Deeply by Savage Garden. I know its rather stupid, but I loved it. One night, after I had a really bad day of chemo, Liam came into my room. He just started singing me that song. It was one of the most romantic things anyone has ever done for me. It was so amazing. Just hearing that song gives me chills.

“I loved you so much.” He said.

“What happened to go from there to where we are right now?” I asked.

“a bunch of mistakes.” He said.

“It hurts sometimes to think about how we use to be.” I said.

“I’m so sorry for the Morgan thing.”

“I know, Liam. I forgive you.”

“I didn’t deserve to be forgiven. You deserved so much better than I gave you.”

“Liam, you were everything to me. You gave me everything. Without you, I wouldn’t be here right now.”

“Then I messed up.”

“People make mistakes.”

“I just.. I’m really sorry. If I could take it back, I would.”

“I know, Liam. Things happen for a reason.” I said.

“So you think we were meant to break up?”

“I think we had to have been. I mean we didn’t get back together. Its been a year.”

“I wanted to get back with you. You picked Sidney.”

“To be honest, I didn’t really think you wanted me back.”

“Of course, I wanted you back. I always want you.” He said.

“Liam, we can’t be having this conversation.” I said.

“Why not?”

“Because you are dating Maggie.”

“Maggie means nothing compared to you.”

“Liam, I love you. The love we had may be the best I will ever experience in my life, but its over now. You cheated on me. You decided it was over. I’m not bitter, I’m not mad, but its over. For so long I wanted you to say the things you have said. For so long I was hoping you would just kiss me. But, you didn’t.”

“I’m stupid.”

“you aren’t stupid. Its just.. we aren’t the same people anymore.”

“That doesn’t mean we still wouldn’t work.”

“but we can’t figure it out. You have Maggie. You are 19 years old, you should be able to live life without having to report to me. I love you and nothing will change that.” I said.

“I’m just scared that I’m losing you.”

“you will never lose me, Liam.” I said.

“Promise.”

“I promise. You know everything about me and love me anyway. That’s true love.” I said.

Thirty-Two.

“What are you doing home?” Rose asked me when I walked into the apartment.

“We broke up.”

“Nuh huh.”

“yeah, its over.” I said plopping down on the couch.

“what happened?! Are you okay?!”

“He wanted me to meet his parents. I just wasn’t ready for it.” I said.

“Are you okay?”

“I guess. I mean I don’t know. I didn’t love him right now but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t ever. I just.. we are just in two different places.” I said.

“So now what?”

“I don’t know. I guess we are starting off the year as single girls.” I said.

“are you going to tell Sidney?”

“No. Why? If I tell him its like saying I want him back.”

“But you do.”

“No, he still slept with someone else. Nothing will change that.”

“But you still like him.”

“Yeah, but time will change that.”

“You can do whatever you want, but I think you should tell him.”

“I’m not telling him, Rose. He doesn’t need to know.”

“Whatever you say. You know he comes home in like two weeks.”

“really?”

“Yeah, Liam was just on the phone with Max.”

“Great.”

“I know you want him back.”

“I don’t.”

“I can tell. I’m your best friend.”

“Sidney and I didn’t work the last time.”

“Because he left.”

“Yeah he left and you weren’t giving him a chance. You are always saying fate fate fate. Well, Grace, maybe its fate that you and James broke up. Maybe it was fate that you met Sidney the way you did.”

“I just don’t know if I’m ready for a relationship with him.”

“Well no one is saying you have to marry him. Just talk to him.”

“We do talk.”

“Barely.”

“Can’t we focus on your love life instead?”

“I have no love life.”

“That’s why we should be focusing on it.”

“I don’t have guys lining up at my door.”

“I don’t either. Plus, you could. You have just had a boyfriend for like ever.”

“ I don’t know. And I agree about Maggie.”

“Annoying, right?”

“So annoying! And she looks at me like I want to jump in his bed.”

“Yeah, she looks at me like that too.”

“Well maybe that’s understandable, but not me.”

“I don’t want in Liam’s pants.” I said and she just gave me a look.

“you think I want Liam?”

“I don’t think you want Liam necessarily, I just think you will always want him. Its not like you want him now more than any other time, its just.. its Liam.” She said.

“I know its Liam. I also know that I don’t want in his bed.”

“Right now.”

“No, like ever.”

“That’s such a lie. You and Liam are forever linked. You two will never just be friends. I’m surprised Sidney and James could put up with it.”

“Liam is my best friend.”

“I know that. I also know that you use to be madly in love with him. I know the sound of your voice right after you kissed Liam for the first time. I remember the conversation after Liam said I love you for the first time. You loved him in a way that just doesn’t go away.”

“But it did.”

“I don’t know.” She said and then Liam walked in. Thus, the conversation was changed.

“Hey, I’m going out.” Rose said.

“What? With who?”

“Some people from school.” She said.

“Okay, have fun.”

“I didn’t think you would be home, so I made plans.”

“Oh its cool.” I said and she left.

“Why are you home?” Liam asked walking into my room.

“James and I broke up.”

“Oh wow.”

“Don’t sound so surprised.”

“I knew it was coming.”

“Yeah, whatever. Where is Maggie?”

“I was going to meet her, but I will stay with you.”

“you don’t have too.”

“I know, but I want too.” He said sitting on the bed with me.

“What are you doing anyways?” He asked.

“I was just looking at old photo albums.” I said.

“Oh my gosh! Look how stupid we look!” Liam said pointing to a picture.

“I know, its embarrassing that I looked like that in front of you.” I said looking at a different picture.

“I thought you were beautiful. It didn’t matter what you looked like, I was completely in love with you.” He said.

“Do you think we will ever find a love that is as pure as what we had?” I asked.

“I don’t know. In some ways I think we will because that’s how love should be, but then sometimes I think that maybe that was our one time.” He said.

“It was just so easy. It felt so good.” I said.

“I know. Remember this?” He asked pointing to a picture where he was holding his guitar.

“Yeah, that was the first time you played a song for me.” I said. Then he left the room.

“Where are you going?” I called to him. He came back holding his guitar.

“I think its about time for me to play it again.” He said looking at me.

Thirty-One.

“Hey, baby.” James said later that night when I walked into his apartment.

“Hey.” I said. After I had a talk with Rose, I just went into my room and listened to music. I also kept thinking. Thinking about the upcoming year and the past year. I was thinking about James and Sidney and the future. This little love triangle I created had to end soon. I was over it. My heart was over it.

“Hey, I want to talk to you about something.” He said coming over to me on the couch in his living room.

“K whats up?” I asked a little nervous about what was about to be said.

“My parents are coming to visit next week.”

“Oh that’s exciting.” I said not completely sure where he was going with this.

“I want you to meet them.” He said it and my eyes just got wider.

“Oh..” I simply said.

“you don’t want too?”

“I just think its really early to be meeting parents.”

“Well it would happen eventually.”

“yeah, eventually, not now.” I said.

“Why don’t you want too?”

“Because its only been like a month.” I said.

“Whats the difference.”

“Meeting parents is a big step.”

“I know, that’s why I want you to meet them.”

“James..” I said.

“Grace.”

“I don’t know what you expected me to say.”

“That you wanted to meet them. I mean I want to meet your parents.”

“My parents don’t even know I am dating someone.” I said.

“They don’t even know about me?”

“Not really, no. I haven’t really talked to my parents much lately.”

“So you don’t want to meet my parents?”

“Its not like that.”

“Then what is it like.”

“Its just.. we are just having fun.”

“This is more than having fun.”

“James, I’m 19. What do you want me to do?”

“I don’t know. I just thought it was more serious than apparently it is.”

“I like you.”

“And I love you.” He said and I just looked at the floor.

“James, I wish I could say I love you, but I’m not ready for that.”

“When will you be ready? In a month, in a year, in two years?”

“that’s not fair, James.”

“Its completely fair. I think I deserve to know what my girlfriend is thinking.”

“I like you. Do I think I’m going to marry you, I don’t know.”

“Why would you want to date someone that you don’t want to marry?”

“Because I’m 19.”

“And I’m 28.”

“I know, and what happens when you leave for another hospital next year?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’m not following a man around the country. I never planned on getting married until atleast medical school, ideally after medical school. That means you won’t be married til you are 34.”

“I can do the math, Grace. Thanks.”

“Don’t be rude to me.” I said.

“I just didn’t know that’s how you felt.”

“James, I like you. I like hanging out with you. Its just I’m not ready for a huge commitment. You are ready to think about marriage. Your five year plan probably includes kids. My ten year plan doesn’t even include kids.”

“So what are you saying?”

“I’m saying that we are in two very different places in our lives. If I was five years older or you were five years younger..”

“So its just not going to work?”

“I wish it would. You are a great guy. I needed you this summer.”

“Just not the right guy.”

“Maybe you are the right guy, just not right now.”

“I’m always going to be 8 years older than you.”

“Yeah, but I won’t always be 19 and scared of my parents.” I said.

“James, I’m really sorry.” I said feeling really bad.

“Its fine. You are right. Its not right.” He said.

“I wish it was.”

“Me too.” He said.

“Can we still talk?” I asked.

“Yeah, I think I need that.” He said.

“I’m sorry.”

“don’t be. You don’t have to be. You did nothing wrong. You just are young.”

“You can’t change age.”

“I never thought it would be an issue.”

“Me either. Its just we are headed in two different directions. Its kind of like its inevitable. Because in a year you are leaving Pittsburgh. Either we break up now or then.” I said.

“It would just be that much harder in a year.” He said.

“Its pretty hard right now.”

“I know.” He said.

We talked for an hour or so after that.Then I left without ever eating the dinner he had cooked for me. I just wasn’t ready. I don’t think James and I would have worked right now regardless if there was a Sidney. We are just in two different places. I did need him, that wasn’t a lie. He is a great guy. I didn’t know where to go from here. Do I tell Sidney that we broke up? I don’t know, because I don’t know if I even want to be with Sidney. What do I do? I can’t talk to Liam because he has Maggie. Am I jealous of Maggie? I miss Liam. I love Liam, but I don’t think I am in love with Liam. This is just great. Why am I so messed up? Why can’t I just know what I want. Why does everything have to be so complicating. One thing was for sure, Rose and I got to be single together for the first time in our lives. That might be fun. The next year would definitely be an interesting one. All I can say is bring it on.

Chapter Thirty.

James and I haven’t talked about the love thing since he brought it up that night. We are still going strong, but I don’t know what you would call us. Once school starts it will be even more difficult to see him. He has weird shifts and on the days he works til like 11, there is no way I can see him unless its only for an hour. I’m not letting myself worry about it because I figure everything will work out. Plus, I have like four days before classes start. I am just enjoying my last few days of summer with my friends.

“Rose!” I screamed when I heard her walk through the door to the apartment.

“Grace?” She said kind of scared.

“Sorry, I am just so excited you are back.” I said laughing.

“Awe, you missed me that much.” She said.

“Yeah, and maybe now Maggie and Liam will leave.” I said.

“Is she that awful?” She asked me when we got into her room.

“they are just annoying together. I think I may like her if she wasn’t dating Liam.” I said and Rose just looked at me.

“I’m not jealous of her!” I said.

“Then what was that statement suppose to mean?” She asked me.

“Its just they are always together. I never see Liam alone anymore.” I said.

“Well you have James.”

“Yeah, and he works all the time.” I said.

“Have you talked to Sidney lately?” She asked me.

“Not really. He should be come back in like two weeks.” I said.

“hows that going to be?”

“Should be interesting.”

“He knows about James though, right?”

“Yeah.”

“When am I going to meet James?” She asked me.

“Tonight. He only works til 7 so then he is coming here.” I said.

“So you really like him?” She asked me.

“Yeah.”

“What?” She asked me.

“Nothing, he is a good guy.”

“But..”

“But, I don’t know.”

We talked about stupid stuff for the rest of the night until James came around. James and Rose really hit it off. It was nice to have Rose finally meet him. All three of us hung out for a few hours talking and watching tv, then Rose went into her room. James just stayed the night but had work the next day. So he left early in the morning. He was making me dinner at his place later that night. I was kind of scared of what that meant. Usually he does things like that when he has something to tell me.

“Hey.” Rose said when she woke up that morning.

“Hey, girl.”

“So, James is cuter than I thought he would be.”

“He is cute.”

“And nice.”

“Yeah, he is nice.” I said.

“Grace, he seems like a good guy. You two seem good together.” She said.

“Better than me and Sidney?” I asked.

“Different.”

“I know.”

“You still think about him much?”

“Its bad, Rose. I have this great guy in front of me but I can’t help but think of Sidney. And James doesn’t deserve that and Sidney doesn’t deserve me thinking about him. I mean he did cheat on me.”

“People make mistakes.”

“Yeah, and history has a tendency of repeating itself.” I said.

“I’m scared of what it will be like..” I said.

“When?” Rose said confused.

“I’m scared of not being with Sidney.”

“Then be with him.”

“I’m scared of being with him too.”

“What? You aren’t making sense.” She said.

“I’m scared of not being with him and seeing him. I’m scared of what it will be like to see him in the city. I’m scared of not knowing what he is doing and who he is. I don’t know how my heart can take it.”

“It seems like an easy solution, be with Sidney.” She said.

“I’m scared of that too. What if he breaks my heart? What if he finds someone better? What if he cheats on me? What if I’m not enough.” I said.

“I don’t think you should just not be with Sidney because you are afraid to get hurt.”

“Yeah, I agree. But I also don’t think I should be with someone just because I don’t want them to be with someone else. And plus, what about James?”

“I don’t really know what to tell you, Grace. What does Liam say?”

“Liam just wants me to be happy. Did I tell you how Sidney told me Liam really did want to be with me again?”

“I kind of already knew that.” She said.

“I think James feels threatened by Liam.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think it bothers him that Liam and I are so close and that we live together.” I said.

“Didn’t it bother Sidney too?”

“It did until he knew the whole situation.”

“and James knows about the cancer and everything?”

“Yeah, James knows everything.”

“What about your parents?”

“They don’t know I’m seeing someone.”

“How are they going to react?”

“I don’t care. They already made me lose one boy.” I said.

“So you will betray your parents for James but not Sidney?”

“That’s what Sidney said too. I’m not picking James over Sidney.”

“You are though. I mean you have.” She said.

“Its not black and white.”

“It never is with you.”

End of Summer.

Hey all! I move back to school tomorrow which means the updates will be less. My goal is to update once a week. Sometimes I may be able to do more, sometimes I may not be able to at all, it just depends. Just know that I am definitely going to continue to write and the story will continue. Please stick with the story and read and comment. Thanks so much for being loyal readers!

Twenty-Nine.

“Hey stranger.” I said when Liam walked into the apartment the next night.

“Hey, Grace.” He said.

“Guess what happened last night.” I said to him when he sat down on the couch.

“I don’t want to hear about your sex life.” He said.

“Eww! GROSS!!” I said.

“Okay, fine.. what happened?”

“The L word was dropped.”

“By who?” He asked.

“You know better than to ask that question.”

“Right, you hate that word.”

“I said it to you.”

“Yeah, after I said it first.”

“True.”

“So what did you say when he said it?” He asked.

“I just kissed him.”

“So you don’t love him?”

“I don’t know if I love him.”

“How don’t you know?”

“Its been like a month or something like that. I would think about love after like 6 months. I didn’t even tell Sidney I loved him.”

“Ahh Sidney. It always comes back to Sidney.”

“It does not. I’m just saying. How can anyone possibly know if they love someone within one month?”

“I don’t know. Maybe he just knows.”

“Well, it freaked me out a bit.” I said.

“So what are you going to do?” He asked me.

“Avoid it. Pretend it didn’t happen.” I said.

“Oh that’s mature.”

“I’m 19, what do you expect?”

“He is 28.”

“yeah, he is. I haven’t forgotten that.”

“Does it bother you?”

“If it bothered me, I wouldn’t be dating him.” I said.

“It does bother you, I can tell.”

“I just didn’t think it would be just a factor.” I said.

“What do you mean?”

“Its just I knew he was older. I knew there would be a gap there. But, I didn’t expect it to be like this. I like him a lot, but it kind of just feels like it’s a dead end relationship.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“he is 28. He is going to be thinking about marriage soon. Maybe not tomorrow or next year but within a few years. I’m 19. I have 7 more years of school left. Marriage isn’t even on my radar.” I said.

“Maybe that won’t matter.”

“Yeah, maybe it will though.” I said. Then Rose called me.

“Hey.” She said through tears it sounded like.

“Whats wrong?”

“We broke up.”

“You and Simon?!” I asked a little shocked.

“yeah.” She said. I could tell she was still crying.

“Hey, Liam. I’ll talk to you later. Rose and Simon broke up.” I whispered to him and left for my room.

“So tell me what happened.” I said when I got into my room.

“He just broke up with me.”

“What?! That doesn’t make sense. You guys have been together forever.”

“he said that with him going to Indiana and me being in Pittsburgh he thought it would be too hard.”

“And he just thought this?” I asked.

“I don’t know, Grace. All I know is that he broke up with me.”

“He just said I don’t want to be together?” I asked still confused.

“He said he loved me. He said he didn’t want to do it, but he thought it would be the only fair thing to do. He says he loves me more than anyone in world.”

“Well why the fuck did he break up with you then!?”

“I don’t know, Grace.”

“I’m sorry, hun.”

“It just sucks. I think I am going to come back to Pitt early.”

“Come whenever you want. Of course we want you here.”

“you don’t have to say that.”

“You are my best friend. Of course I want you here. We will find you a good man.”

“Maybe James has some friends.”

“Well, yes, he does have friends. But..”

“What?”

“Dating an older guy isn’t all its cracked up to be.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean he has a job. I don’t see him til like 11 usually.”

“that does suck. Do you think you will stay with him during the year?”

“I don’t know. It might be fun to be single together.” I said.

“You won’t be single for long if you and James break up.”

“I bet you find a boy before I do” I said.

“You already have two.” She said.

“I don’t have Sidney.” I said.

“You could if you wanted him.” She said.

“I don’t know. Sidney has some good friends.” I said smiling.

“Well there we go. I’ll just get your ex boyfriend to play matchmaker.”

“Who cares who he is to me. Liam is friends with all of them.”

“Oh so your other ex could be it too?”

“Shut up! Liam is your friend!”

“Yeah, we will see. I’m going to have my parents bring me back in like two days.”

“Okay.. call me or anything.”

“Don’t worry. Spend time with that gorgeous doctor of yours.”

“He isn’t as gorgeous in person.” I said remembering Rose has only seen pictures of James.

“I’m sure he is. Don’t worry about me.”

“I love you, Rose. Simon is stupid.” I said.

“Yeah, oh well. Nothing I can do about it.”

“That’s right.” I said. We talked a little longer and then we hung up.

I couldn’t believe that Rose and Simon broke up. They were together for like four years. They were so strong. Rose never thought about another guy. Simon was completely head over heels for her. Rose loved him just as much. All I kept thinking is if they couldn’t make it work, what does that say for the rest of us?

“If Simon and Rose couldn’t stay together.. there is no hope for anyone else.” I said to Liam while Mollie, Mark, and James were sitting in the living room.

“Mol said the same thing when you and Liam broke up.” Mark said.

“Liam and I were far from the perfect couple.” I said noticing it was making James uncomfortable.

“You two were pretty perfect. People still talk about you two.” Mollie said.

“well they shouldn’t.” I said.

“She is right. We were nothing special.” Liam said. That statement kind of hurt. Actually, it really hurt. Liam and I were special. We overcame cancer and fell inlove in the process. We may not have worked right then, but who is to say we won’t work again. He is still my best friend. He is still my soul mate. If that’s not something special, I don’t know what is.

Twenty-Eight

August.

James and I have been really good lately. He is really busy but so am I. When I am volunteering we steal moments together and he still helps me with my classes. Everyday I learn more things about him and everyday I like him more. He is just a sweet boy from Tennessee. His parents literally live on a farm, its like the cutest thing ever. Sidney and I don’t talk much. We still do talk occasionally. Its kind of at the point where we could talk to eachother, but we don’t. Its not like either of us are avoiding eachother and every once and a while he’ll send me a text or I’ll send him one. Its usually like a few days we talk a lot and then we could go a week or more without talking. I miss him somedays more than others. Some days I see people walking on the street, like a couple, and it will just make me think of him. It makes me think of the dates we had and the dates we wouldn’t get the chance of having. I would see certain things that made me think of him, but I tried to forget about it. Sidney and I were over. It had to be that way. And it was easier with him thousands of miles away in Canada. However, it will become more and more difficult in the next month when he is here. When the chance of running into him on the corner or a store or a restaurant is likely. I don’t know what the future holds for me and Sidney. I do know the future of me and James probably isn’t long term. It probably wouldn’t work. In a year he is done with his pediatric rotation. Who knows where he will end up, likely he wouldn’t stay in Pittsburgh. And Lord knows I will not be following any boy anywhere.

“Hey baby.” I said when James came home the one night. I stayed at James’ house every once in awhile. Maggie and Liam were always there giggling. It was annoying. James said I could stay at his place anytime I wanted. I would study there, but usually I wouldn’t be there much without him.

“Hey.” He simply said and sat down. I could tell that something was wrong, because after his shift he always kisses me. Its like that’s what he has been thinking about all shift.

“Whats wrong?” I said scooting over closer to him.

“Bad day.”

“What happened?” I asked. Usually James doesn’t bring work home with him. Sometimes he does say if a kid got discharged or if he saw something really unusual.

“Billy passed away today.”

“Billy Thomas?” I asked. I knew Cory Thomas. He was two years older than me and Liam. He had bone cancer. He was only there with us for a few months. He was cancer free last time I saw him. Billy got diagnosed with brain cancer last year. He looked like he would survive, but I guess not.

“Yeah.” He simply said. Billy was really close to James. James always forms bonds with patients. Its kind of one of the positives and negatives of his qualities of a doctor.

“Oh, babe. I’m really really sorry. “ I said putting my hand on his back. I didn’t know what to say.

“He didn’t deserve to die.” He said.

“He didn’t deserve to die. He didn’t deserve to get cancer. No one does, but he did James. He got it and it wasn’t meant for him to beat it. You have to believe that someone has a greater plan. You have to believe that there was a reason for him to die.”

“I’m not like you. I will never be able to say that a child dying was suppose to happen.” He said.

“I’m not saying its right. I’m not saying it doesn’t suck or hurt. All I am saying is that you have to believe that God has a plan for everyone. If you don’t, how do you expect to be able to get through patients dying?” I asked.

“I don’t know.” He said and his eyes started to water.

“James, I am here for you. Cry with me, I’ll hold you. I’ll let you cry. Its okay to think it sucks but everything will be fine. You have to believe that.” I said holding him close.

“I love you.”He said. When I heard that I just paused. I didn’t say anything. Did I love James? I cared for him, I knew that. I knew that he was a great guy. I don’t think the word great is even the right word. He is a guy that anyone would love to be with. He is a gentleman. He opens doors for me. He pays for everything. He is always on time and always calls when he is suppose too. We hardly ever fight. And when we do, it is so stupid. He sends me flowers. I never question how he feels about me. Anyone would be lucky to have him love them. I just wasn’t hundred percent sure if he was the right guy for me. He was nine years older than me. He would want to start a family before I even thought about getting married. He is ready to settle down, and I have just started my life. Some times I feel like we are just in two very different points in our lives. But then, I think about how I feel when he looks at me. I think about how he makes me feel in general. It may not be love, but it definitely is something. But what do you say to someone when they tell you they love you and you aren’t sure if you love them back? Well, I’m not really sure what other people say, but I kind of just didn’t say anything. I kissed him instead.

Twenty-Seven

“Hey.” I called Sidney later that night while I was waiting for James.

“I didn’t think you would call.” He said.

“I said I wanted to talk.”

“Yeah before you found out about the Bahamas.”

“It hurts.. is that what you want me to say? That it hurts to know that I wasn’t enough. It hurts to think about you with another girl. It hurts to tell you about James. Is that what you want to hear me say? Yeah, Sidney. I liked you a lot. Somewhere along the way it got screwed up. Mostly because of me but partly because of you. Life is messy and I know that but it doesn’t change the fact that it still hurts.” I said.

“I don’t want to hurt you. Sleeping with that girl was a mistake. I made a mistake.”

“That was a mistake but not telling me about it after it happened.. that was a lie.” I said.

“So you aren’t mad because I slept with someone else, you are mad because I didn’t tell you about it?”

“I’m hurt because you felt like you had to sleep with someone else. I’m mad because you didn’t tell me. Sidney, everyone makes mistakes. I’m not expecting you to be a perfect and I hope you don’t expect me to ever be perfect, but owning up to the mistakes is the right thing to do. I miss you, Sidney. I really really do, but it hurts to know that just the mere act of talking to me or being with me wasn’t enough for you.” I said.

“It is enough. It was enough.”

“Obviously, it wasn’t.” I said.

“Yes, It is. I made a mistake, Grace. Okay, I made one mistake and I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry. It just means that if there was no James or there wasn’t the fight with the parents, we still wouldn’t be together.”

“because I slept with someone else?”

“Yeah.”

“But you are with James.”

“You slept with someone when we were together! Me and you were long broken up before I even started to think about James.”

“You should know that your parents were wrong. I understand their concern. I even understand where they are coming from. I may not be there for every doctors appointment. I may not be there everyday to tell you I love you, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be there. Sick or not sick, I would and still want to be there for you. I know that my job makes me gone a lot and it makes you wonder my faithfulness but I would be devoted to you. And if push came to shove and you really needed me by your bed side right this second, I would be there. No questions asked.”

“Sidney, I never doubted that you would want to be there. I don’t doubt that you liked me. I don’t doubt that we could have worked, but they are my parents. Yeah, I should have stood up to them, but I didn’t.”

“I could have loved you.”

“Me too, Sidney. Things happen for a reason.”

“Grace, I miss you.”

“Sidney, I don’t doubt that you miss me. I don’t doubt that you liked me. But you couldn’t have liked me that much to sleep with someone else. I couldn’t have meant that much.”

“You did. You do, Grace.”

“I don’t know. I want you in my life, but just as friends. I have James now.”

“You have James?”

“Yes. It wasn’t planned. Okay, it just happened. I’m sorry, Sidney. Its just not meant for me and you right now.”

“I don’t think I can just be friends with you.”

“Well then we can’t be anything. I want to be friends.”

“I know, I want you in my life.”

“Sidney, listen. This is the honest truth. I could have loved you. I could have seen myself really falling for you. And I like you, but I don’t really know you that well. I wish I did. I wish that I could have stood up to my parents and I wish things were different. But I don’t wish that I never met James. He is a good guy and he deserves to be given a chance. We took our chance and it just didn’t work.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Its not your fault. People make mistakes. I get it, but I can’t just forget about the Bahamas girl. I don’t even know what happened. I guess I don’t deserve to know.” I said.

“You want to know? I got really drunk one night and there was as girl. We slept together, she meant nothing. I wish I didn’t do it, but I was drunk. I haven’t even spoken to her since I left the Bahamas.”

“Being drunk doesn’t give you an excuse for being stupid. And I’m sad that she meant nothing. I kind of wish she would have meant something, because shes a reason we aren’t together.”

“I’m sorry, Grace. I really really am.”

“You don’t have to keep saying sorry. I get that you are sorry. I get that you made a mistake and I get that you regret it. But it happened. And its fine. I want you to be happy.”

“I was happy with you.”

“Sidney, please.”

“I know. I should have known. If it wasn’t James it would have been Liam. You are too good of a catch to not have someone. You are the kind of girl mom’s want their son to bring home.”

“I don’t know about that.” I said smiling a little.

“Liam was right.”

“About what?”

“That you are an amazing girl.”

“You should know that Liam didn’t bring home that girl that night. Well he did, but it wasn’t like what you think.” He said.

“What are you talking about?”

“Liam didn’t bring that girl home. He wasn’t playing you or something like that. He loves you. Or he did love you again. He realized he made a mistake when he slept with that girl. He realized what I realize now that you are as good as it gets.”

“I don’t get what you are saying.” I said really confused.

“Liam and I talked one night.”

“What did he say?”

“That he loves you. He loves you probably more than anyone would ever love you. He would do anything for you and if I hurt you he would come after me. He basically just told me that you are one of a kind.”

“I’m not anything special.”

“Yes you are.” He said.

“I don’t really get why you can forgive Liam and his mistake with Morgan, but not with me.”

“You aren’t Liam. Don’t compare you and Liam. Because what me and Liam are is nothing like what me and you are. Liam and I have history.”

“Yeah, we could have too.”

“Yeah, we could have. But I don’t know you that well. Summer was suppose to be that for us. But things change, Sidney. Things happen that we don’t foresee happening. I forgave Liam but it doesn’t mean I forget the feeling of walking in and seeing it. I love Liam and I will always love Liam, but what he did was wrong and he suffered for it. What you did was wrong as well. And I forgave you, I’m just not jumping back into bed with you.” I said.

“I know I’m not Liam. But I don’t get what James has.”

“you are in Canada, Sidney.”

“So its about proximity.”

“No, it’s about timing.” I simply said.

“Sidney, I really am sorry about my parents. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you about James. I’m sorry that things worked out this way. I didn’t picture the summer turning out this way.”

“Me either. I did miss you.”

“Me too, Sid. I don’t know how we got here, but I just got to keep going. I don’t know what the future holds for me and you. I just hope I’m still in your life ten years from now.” I said.

“You will be.”

“Hey, I got to go. James should be getting off work soon.” I said.

“Okay.” He simply said.

“Sidney, thanks for telling me about sleeping with that girl. I don’t think less of you or anything like that. I know you think that I hold people to this standard that people can’t live up too. I hold you to a standard that I know you can achieve. I just know how good of a person you are and that’s what I miss you. That’s why I wanted you in my life. I see your potential. I see your heart. That’s what made me like you. Not your status or your name or even your good looks. Just know that you have a good heart.” I said.

“You see me in a better light than anyone else. I don’t deserve it.”

“You do. I’ll talk to you later.” I said and hung up the phone.

“I love you, Liam.” I said walking into his room.

“What?”

“I just think sometimes we take for granted eachother. I love you and you are one of the best parts of my life.” I said laying on his bed.

“Right back at you, Grace.” He said smiling.

“Isn’t James coming over?” He asked.

“Yeah, I should go.” I said leaving the room.

I can’t believe what Sidney told me. Liam really did love me? Liam really wanted to get back with me? I never thought he was serious. Liam has Maggie and I have James. But there is something with Liam and I. I don’t think I could ever love anyone as much as I love Liam. Just because Liam is my best friend and soul mate. He was my first everything. I just don’t know about so many things. James is a great guy and he does deserve for me to give this a shot. But Sidney is a great guy as well. He is a good person and I could have loved him. I could have and maybe I did, but..

“Hey, babe.” James said walking into the apartment and giving me a kiss.