Thirty-Seven

“I like him a lot.” Rose said the next morning.

“That’s good.. he is a good guy.”

“So what happened last night?”

“Sidney came over”

“What happened there?”

“He walked me home and we talked.”

“And..”

“We are figuring things out.”

“Who is figuring things out?” Liam asked walking into the living room.

“Her and Sidney.”

“What?”

“We are just talking..”

“What does that even mean?” Liam asked me.

“I don’t know, Liam. I don’t know why it really matters or why either of you care so much.” I said getting up and walking into my room.

“What?” I said irritated when I heard someone knock on my door.

“Talk to me..” Liam said.

“What? I don’t get why it matter, Liam. I really don’t get it.”

“It doesn’t matter. I just want to know.”

“You are with Maggie..”

“Yeah, I am. It doesn’t mean I stopped loving you. It doesn’t mean I still don’t want to know whats going on in your life.”

“We can’t keep having this conversation.”

“What conversation?”

“The conversation of you loving me and me loving you. You are with Maggie. We aren’t together. That’s just how it is.” I said.

“I know. So what happened with Sidney?”

“We just talked.”

“And?”

“We decided to talk. We are figuring out what is going to happen.”

“Liam!” I heard Maggie yell.

“Seriously?! Seriously, she is just here right now? She seriously just walked into my house?” I asked. Then I saw Maggie walking down the hallway.

“Ever hear of knocking?” I asked.

“Ever think to not hit on someone elses boyfriend?”

“Really? You want to go there?” Rose said. Apparently she heard what was going down from her room.

“Yeah, do you, Maggie?” I asked.

“Obviously.” She said.

“Stop it, Grace.” Liam said.

“Me? Really? What about Maggie?! What about Maggie and her thinking like she lives here.”

“What about you wanting my boyfriend?”

“IF I FUCKING WANTED LIAM! I WOULD HAVE HIM!! I HAVE SOMEONE ELSE. I WANT SOMEONE ELSE. I DON’T WANT LIAM! OKAY, BITCH!” I screamed.

“If you wanted him, you def couldn’t get him?”

“Really? What Liam and I had.. you two will never have. He is the love of my life.”

“But yet you two aren’t together right now.”

“Yeah, we aren’t. That doesn’t change the past.”

“Seriously, Maggie.. just leave. Knock when you come to my house.”

“Liam lives here too.”

“Who owns the fucking house, Maggie? Oh right! My family does!” I said.

“You are a bitch.”

“No, no, no.. you are a bitch and I really don’t see what Liam sees in you. He deserves so much better.” I said.

“Okay, Grace.. we get it. We will leave.” Liam said.

“I don’t want you to leave.. I want her to leave.”

“The only reason you don’t like me is because Liam picked me over you.”

“The only reason I don’t like you is because you are a fucking bitch!” I said and slammed my door shut.

Can we meet? I need to see you.

“Whats wrong?” He said calling me.

“Just had a blow out with Maggie.”

“What did Liam do?”

“Nothing. I just don’t want to be here.”

“Come to Sewickley. I’ll meet you at the café.”

I’m sorry.

Don’t be sorry.

I just didn’t know what to do.

Its fine.. I’ll see you in a few minutes.

Liam kept calling me.

“Liam, stop calling me.”

“Where are you?”

“I’m meeting Sidney.”

“We need to talk.”

“You have Maggie. How dare I be mean to Maggie? I don’t give a shit anymore, Liam.”

“I don’t care about that.”

“I think maybe you should.”

“Just come back.”

“Right now, I want to talk to Sidney, not you.” I simply said and hung up.

Thirty-Six.

“So what happened this summer?” Sidney asked me while we were sitting on my bed.

“I volunteered and went to class.”

“Fun.”

“You really want to know about James, don’t you?”

“Kind of.” He said.

“He is a doctor at the hospital.”

“How did you guys meet?”

“He is friends with Mollie. I met him randomly and then he was with Mollie. Then he just hung out with me and would help me with my classes.”

“Then it just started?”

“It was just casual, Sidney.”

“It didn’t seem casual.”

“It just happened.”

“Why did you guys break up?”

“Like to you right now it seems like I was with James. But you could ask anyone and it wasn’t like I forgot you. Liam basically asked me flat out why I wasn’t with you and if I kept thinking about you. It was never black and white. I was with James but it didn’t mean I stopped liking you or caring.”

“Then why were you with him at all?”

“exactly. We broke up for a reason, Sidney.”

“I’m sorry about everything this summer.”

“Me too, Sid. I didn’t think it would turn out like this, I mean like three months ago, I thought we would make it all summer.”

“I should have talked to you more. I should have talked to you about James and I should have told you about the Bahamas as soon as it happened. I just didn’t want to lose you.”

“We both should have done things differently. I shouldn’t have ever dated James. I should have stood up to my parents. I just don’t think I was strong enough. I should have been stronger. I should have just told them, but they just are worried. Everything that has happened, its just hard for them. They don’t want me to get attached to someone and then be disappointed.”

“I should have understood better. And I know that you have had an unique situation, but I don’t want to disappoint you. I want to be there for you.”

“I know. I just don’t really want this to happen again. I don’t want to walk in a room and not be able to talk to you.”

“I don’t want that either. I want to be with you.”

“We just need to start over. Start slow.”

“No more secrets.”

“No more secrets. I want to be your best friend.” He said.

“That’s what this summer was all about. Too bad its not summer anymore.”

“It doesn’t matter, Grace.” He said and I kissed him.

“I missed being able to do that.” I said smiling.

“I missed everything about you. Trust me.” He said kissing me again.

“Rose and Kris seem to like eachother.”

“He likes her a lot.” Sidney said.

“She deserves it. She was dating a guy for like five years and he broke up her for no reason a few weeks ago.”

“Kris just broke up with his girlfriend too.”

“I like him. He seems really nice.”

“He is. Rose would be good for him.”

“Rose deserves a good guy.”

“Who was that girl with Liam?”

“Maggie.” I said rolling my eyes.

“You don’t like her?”

“She is Liam’s girlfriend. She is so annoying. She won’t let Liam out of her site. She basically lives here. She hates me for no reason.”

“Wow, you really don’t like her.”

“She thinks that like if she isn’t around, I’m going to like hop into his bed or something. That ship has sailed.”

“She just must not be as understanding as me.” Sidney said.

“What?! You wanted to kill Liam before.”

“Not anymore. He is a good guy.” He said.

“I forgot how cute you are.” I said smiling. Then we kissed. And kissed. Then kissed some more.

“You should probably go.” I said breaking away from his kiss.

“You are probably right.” He said. I got up from my bed.

“Call me tomorrow or something.” I said and then he kissed me and left.

Is this really happening? Am I really back with Sidney? I can’t believe it. I can’t believe that he was just in my room and we talked. We talked about everything. Everything seems okay now. It was a weird night, but a night where everything seemed to fall into place.

Thirty-Five.

Sidney was there. As soon as I walked in, I saw him. He was with a girl. He was with a girl. I kept repeating that statement. Then I went for the alcohol.

“Grace, what are you doing?” Liam asked me.

“drinking?”

“Drinking what?”

“I don’t know. Jordan made it.”

“You don’t drink.”

“Tonight, I do.”

“Its about Sidney, right?”

“Everything isn’t about a boy.” I said looking right at Sidney and the girl. He saw me and I just looked away.

“Grace.. its okay.” Liam said putting his arm around me. Sidney saw it and so did Maggie.

“You can’t do this here. You have Maggie.” I whispered.

“But you need me, so obviously I am going to be here.” He said.

“I’m fine.” I said walking away. It seemed like everywhere I turned I saw something that hurt. I either saw Sidney with some girl not even caring that I am here, I saw Kris and Rose having a great time which shouldn’t hurt but I want to have someone too, then I would turn to see Liam and Maggie. I didn’t have Sidney. I didn’t even have Liam, even if he says I do.

“Hey could you make me another drink?” I asked Jordan.

“Sure, Grace.” He said smiling.

“Hey, man. Where have you been? I haven’t seen you at all.” Sidney said.

“I’ve been making drinks.” He said handing me another drink.

“You drink now?” Sidney asked me.

“Apparently, I do.” I said taking a drink and leaving the situation.

I couldn’t even really tell you what I did the whole night. I talked to Rose here and there. I talked to Kris and Max at random moments. Liam kept trying to keep an eye out for me but Maggie was like tailing him the whole time. After awhile, I just decided that I was going to leave. Liam was standing talking to Jordan, Max, and Sidney. I figured I had to tell Liam I was leaving, so I sucked it up and went to talk to Liam even if Sidney was near by.

“Hey. I’m going to go.” I told Liam.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m just tired. I’ll see you later.” I said and he just looked at me.

“Have fun. Make sure you don’t strand Rose and text me or come into my room when you get back.” I said and walked away.

Sidney’s POV

“Sorry, I have to go with her.” Liam said.

“Liam, I’ll go.” I said.

It hurt to see Grace today. I really didn’t think she would be here tonight. I’m not really sure why I thought that. I should have figured she would be. I mean Liam is her best friend and Liam is like best friends with Jordan and TK. I was just so surprised to see her. I kept looking at her and then seeing her drink. I didn’t even know she drank. All I wanted to do is go up to her and talk to her, but I couldn’t figure out what to say. I didn’t even know why we stopped talking. I didn’t know if she was still mad about the Bahamas. I just needed to make sure she was okay and I for sure didn’t want her to walk home by herself.

“Grace, wait up.” I called to her. She stopped and looked back at me.

“What are you doing?” She asked me.

“I didn’t want you to walk home alone.”

“Sidney, Its like two blocks away.”

“Yeah, with drunk guys on every corner.” I said.

“Oh, wow. Didn’t know you cared.” She said.

“Of course, I care.” I said.

“Could have fooled me.” She said and kept walking.

“Grace, we really need to talk.” I said.

“Well we have two blocks.” She said.

“Are you mad about the Bahamas? Because I’m sorry, Grace. It was stupid, I shouldn’t have done it. I regret it. I regret how everything turned out this summer. You were the girl I wanted and I fucked up. I don’t know what else to say.”

“I’m not mad about the Bahamas.” She said.

“You are mad about something.”

“I’m mad because we haven’t talked in like a month and it doesn’t even matter. I had a great guy. He had our future planned. He loved me and was ready for the commitment. And I wasn’t because of you.” She said.

“You and James broke up?”

“Yeah.. I broke up with someone for a guy that I can’t have either.” She said.

“Grace, I still want to be with you.”

“You just want to be with other girls too.” She said.

“No, that’s not what I want.”

“Sidney.. listen.” She said stopping and looking right at me.

“I wish me and you could work.. but I just don’t think we can.” She said.

“Because of your parents.”

“No, I don’t care about my parents anymore. I shouldn’t have let them tell me who to date. That was my fault.”

“Then why can’t we be together?”

“Because of who you are. Everywhere we turn there are girls that want to be with you. Girls who think of you constantly. You are the man of their dreams. I can’t compete with that.”

“You don’t have to compete with that.”

“I do. I have to trust you enough to not care when you go out at night. OR not to worry when you are on a road trip. I want to trust you and I want to be like I missed you so bad. Because I did. I missed you and I like you but I just..”

“Grace.. you are my perfect girl. I may be the man of girls dreams, but you are the girl of my dreams.”

“Don’t say things like that.”

“It’s the truth.”

“Its not. It can’t be.”

“But it is. I missed you and I fucked up in the Bahamas. I want you and I can’t imagine not wanting you. I couldn’t stop looking at you. All I kept thinking is that I didn’t even know you drank. I don’t know so many things about you.. I want to know so many things about you. I want to know everything about you.”

“I don’t drink. I drank because when I walked in you were with a girl. I was drinking because I miss you and you didn’t even care that I was in the same room as you.”

“That’s not true. And the girl I didn’t even know. We weren’t together, we were just talking. We happened to sit by eachother. And of course I care that you were in the same room as me. I thought you were still with James.”

“I’m not.”

“I know that now. Grace, I just want another chance.” I said putting my hands on her waist. We were standing right infront of her apartment by now.

Grace’s POV

“I just don’t know.” I said and he kissed me.

“Please.” He said and I walked up the stairs to the door.

“You can come, obviously.” I said looking back at him.

Thirty-Four.

The next night, I was alone in the apartment. Rose was out with Ben getting food. Liam was with Maggie, big surprise. I heard a knock on the door, and I was confused. I walked up to the door in my pajamas, not thinking anything of it. I opened the door to find James.

“Hey?” I said a little confused.

“Hey, can I come in?” He asked.

“Yeah of course.” I said. We both just sat on the couch.

“Whats up?” I asked.

“I’m sorry, I just got off from work and I ended up here.” He said.

“Its fine.”

After awhile of just sitting watching TV, I broke the silence.

“James..” I said.

“We can’t do this.” I said.

“Do what?”

“I want to be friends with you. I’m fine hanging out with you, but we can’t be together.”

“Everything was fine a few days ago.”

“Yeah, until you made it serious. I’m 19.” I said.

“ I know that, babe.”

“Sometimes, I don’t think you do.” I said.

“But I want to be with you.” He said putting his hand on my leg.

“I just think you should go.” I said and stood up.

School has been in session for about two weeks now. Classes are hard, but what do you expect. I haven’t been volunteering as much. I do it about once a week. Its weird when I see James because I think he still wants something with me, but I don’t want anything. I think Sidney is back, but I am not sure. I haven’t really heard from him and I’m not sure why. I don’t know why we stopped talking we just did. Nothing major happened. I couldn’t decide if I was excited to see him or not. I knew it was inevitable that we would eventually cross paths. I was doing everything in my power to avoid it.

One day I walked in after being at the library to find some house guests I wasn’t expecting. Jordan, Kris, Liam, and Rose were all sitting in the living room playing the wii.

“Hey guys.” I said unexpectingly.

“Hi Grace. How are you?” Kris asked. So very much like Kris. He was always so polite.

“I’m good. I didn’t think I would see you guys here. You usually congregate at Max’s.”

“True. We thought we would change it up a bit.” Jordan said.

“Well you guys are always welcome here.” I said and walked to my room.

“Hey do you mind them being here?” Liam later asked.

“No, why would I?”

“I don’t know.”

“I guess that means Sidney is back.”

“They all had to be back by today, so I guess.” He said.

“Good to know.” I said and just flipped on the TV.

“If you need me, I’ll be out there.” Liam said.

“I’m fine. Just going to watch some TV.”

“Hey what did you do when you came back last night?” Rose asked. It was a Saturday morning so she was making breakfast. Every Saturday she makes all of us breakfast, I’m not sure when that tradition started but I wasn’t complaining.

“I just watched TV. What did you do?”

“We played games and then we watched a movie.”

“We?”

“Maggie, Liam, Kris, and I.”

“Jordan left?”

“Yeah, I’m not sure why.”

“Oh.”

“They said Sidney was back.”

“yeah, I figured.”

“Kris said he missed you.”

“Doesn’t matter, Rose. Sidney and I aren’t even talking.”

“I know, its just. Maybe it doesn’t have to be that way.”

“Maybe that’s the way it is suppose to be.”

Later that day I was in my room cleaning up and jamming out to Miley Cyrus. Yes, I am a loser.

“Whats up, Rose?” I asked. I don’t know when she walked in but when I turned around, there she was.

“Will you go to Max’s with me tonight?” She asked me and I just gave her a look.

“I guess he is having people over. Liam is going.”

“Obviously.”

“Kris invited me.”

“You like Kris?” I asked and she got red.

“Its okay, Rose. Kris is a good guy.”

“Will you please come with me? I don’t want to go alone.”

“Liam will be there.”

“Its not the same.”

“Please, Grace.”

“Fine.” I said.

I didn’t want to go. That was for sure, but Rose was so excited. She kept coming in asking me what she should wear. It was really cute. I was really happy that she liked him. Kris is a great guy.

“What are you going to wear?” She asked me about twenty minutes before we were going to leave.

“I don’t know?”

“Did you even shower?”

“I’m not trying to impress anyone!”

“Go shower!!”

“Is this better?” I asked her. I went into her room, my hair was straight and I had on acceptable clothes.

“Much.”

“Sidney is not going to be there.” She said.

“How do you know?”

“Kris told me.”

“Where is he going to be?”

“I don’t know. Does it matter?”

“No, you are right.”

We got to Max’s around ten. As soon as we got there it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Thirty-Three.

“I loved that song so much.” I said after he played it for me. When I was first diagnosed, I was so obsessed with listening to 90’s love songs. My favorite was Truly, Madly, Deeply by Savage Garden. I know its rather stupid, but I loved it. One night, after I had a really bad day of chemo, Liam came into my room. He just started singing me that song. It was one of the most romantic things anyone has ever done for me. It was so amazing. Just hearing that song gives me chills.

“I loved you so much.” He said.

“What happened to go from there to where we are right now?” I asked.

“a bunch of mistakes.” He said.

“It hurts sometimes to think about how we use to be.” I said.

“I’m so sorry for the Morgan thing.”

“I know, Liam. I forgive you.”

“I didn’t deserve to be forgiven. You deserved so much better than I gave you.”

“Liam, you were everything to me. You gave me everything. Without you, I wouldn’t be here right now.”

“Then I messed up.”

“People make mistakes.”

“I just.. I’m really sorry. If I could take it back, I would.”

“I know, Liam. Things happen for a reason.” I said.

“So you think we were meant to break up?”

“I think we had to have been. I mean we didn’t get back together. Its been a year.”

“I wanted to get back with you. You picked Sidney.”

“To be honest, I didn’t really think you wanted me back.”

“Of course, I wanted you back. I always want you.” He said.

“Liam, we can’t be having this conversation.” I said.

“Why not?”

“Because you are dating Maggie.”

“Maggie means nothing compared to you.”

“Liam, I love you. The love we had may be the best I will ever experience in my life, but its over now. You cheated on me. You decided it was over. I’m not bitter, I’m not mad, but its over. For so long I wanted you to say the things you have said. For so long I was hoping you would just kiss me. But, you didn’t.”

“I’m stupid.”

“you aren’t stupid. Its just.. we aren’t the same people anymore.”

“That doesn’t mean we still wouldn’t work.”

“but we can’t figure it out. You have Maggie. You are 19 years old, you should be able to live life without having to report to me. I love you and nothing will change that.” I said.

“I’m just scared that I’m losing you.”

“you will never lose me, Liam.” I said.

“Promise.”

“I promise. You know everything about me and love me anyway. That’s true love.” I said.

Thirty-Two.

“What are you doing home?” Rose asked me when I walked into the apartment.

“We broke up.”

“Nuh huh.”

“yeah, its over.” I said plopping down on the couch.

“what happened?! Are you okay?!”

“He wanted me to meet his parents. I just wasn’t ready for it.” I said.

“Are you okay?”

“I guess. I mean I don’t know. I didn’t love him right now but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t ever. I just.. we are just in two different places.” I said.

“So now what?”

“I don’t know. I guess we are starting off the year as single girls.” I said.

“are you going to tell Sidney?”

“No. Why? If I tell him its like saying I want him back.”

“But you do.”

“No, he still slept with someone else. Nothing will change that.”

“But you still like him.”

“Yeah, but time will change that.”

“You can do whatever you want, but I think you should tell him.”

“I’m not telling him, Rose. He doesn’t need to know.”

“Whatever you say. You know he comes home in like two weeks.”

“really?”

“Yeah, Liam was just on the phone with Max.”

“Great.”

“I know you want him back.”

“I don’t.”

“I can tell. I’m your best friend.”

“Sidney and I didn’t work the last time.”

“Because he left.”

“Yeah he left and you weren’t giving him a chance. You are always saying fate fate fate. Well, Grace, maybe its fate that you and James broke up. Maybe it was fate that you met Sidney the way you did.”

“I just don’t know if I’m ready for a relationship with him.”

“Well no one is saying you have to marry him. Just talk to him.”

“We do talk.”

“Barely.”

“Can’t we focus on your love life instead?”

“I have no love life.”

“That’s why we should be focusing on it.”

“I don’t have guys lining up at my door.”

“I don’t either. Plus, you could. You have just had a boyfriend for like ever.”

“ I don’t know. And I agree about Maggie.”

“Annoying, right?”

“So annoying! And she looks at me like I want to jump in his bed.”

“Yeah, she looks at me like that too.”

“Well maybe that’s understandable, but not me.”

“I don’t want in Liam’s pants.” I said and she just gave me a look.

“you think I want Liam?”

“I don’t think you want Liam necessarily, I just think you will always want him. Its not like you want him now more than any other time, its just.. its Liam.” She said.

“I know its Liam. I also know that I don’t want in his bed.”

“Right now.”

“No, like ever.”

“That’s such a lie. You and Liam are forever linked. You two will never just be friends. I’m surprised Sidney and James could put up with it.”

“Liam is my best friend.”

“I know that. I also know that you use to be madly in love with him. I know the sound of your voice right after you kissed Liam for the first time. I remember the conversation after Liam said I love you for the first time. You loved him in a way that just doesn’t go away.”

“But it did.”

“I don’t know.” She said and then Liam walked in. Thus, the conversation was changed.

“Hey, I’m going out.” Rose said.

“What? With who?”

“Some people from school.” She said.

“Okay, have fun.”

“I didn’t think you would be home, so I made plans.”

“Oh its cool.” I said and she left.

“Why are you home?” Liam asked walking into my room.

“James and I broke up.”

“Oh wow.”

“Don’t sound so surprised.”

“I knew it was coming.”

“Yeah, whatever. Where is Maggie?”

“I was going to meet her, but I will stay with you.”

“you don’t have too.”

“I know, but I want too.” He said sitting on the bed with me.

“What are you doing anyways?” He asked.

“I was just looking at old photo albums.” I said.

“Oh my gosh! Look how stupid we look!” Liam said pointing to a picture.

“I know, its embarrassing that I looked like that in front of you.” I said looking at a different picture.

“I thought you were beautiful. It didn’t matter what you looked like, I was completely in love with you.” He said.

“Do you think we will ever find a love that is as pure as what we had?” I asked.

“I don’t know. In some ways I think we will because that’s how love should be, but then sometimes I think that maybe that was our one time.” He said.

“It was just so easy. It felt so good.” I said.

“I know. Remember this?” He asked pointing to a picture where he was holding his guitar.

“Yeah, that was the first time you played a song for me.” I said. Then he left the room.

“Where are you going?” I called to him. He came back holding his guitar.

“I think its about time for me to play it again.” He said looking at me.

Thirty-One.

“Hey, baby.” James said later that night when I walked into his apartment.

“Hey.” I said. After I had a talk with Rose, I just went into my room and listened to music. I also kept thinking. Thinking about the upcoming year and the past year. I was thinking about James and Sidney and the future. This little love triangle I created had to end soon. I was over it. My heart was over it.

“Hey, I want to talk to you about something.” He said coming over to me on the couch in his living room.

“K whats up?” I asked a little nervous about what was about to be said.

“My parents are coming to visit next week.”

“Oh that’s exciting.” I said not completely sure where he was going with this.

“I want you to meet them.” He said it and my eyes just got wider.

“Oh..” I simply said.

“you don’t want too?”

“I just think its really early to be meeting parents.”

“Well it would happen eventually.”

“yeah, eventually, not now.” I said.

“Why don’t you want too?”

“Because its only been like a month.” I said.

“Whats the difference.”

“Meeting parents is a big step.”

“I know, that’s why I want you to meet them.”

“James..” I said.

“Grace.”

“I don’t know what you expected me to say.”

“That you wanted to meet them. I mean I want to meet your parents.”

“My parents don’t even know I am dating someone.” I said.

“They don’t even know about me?”

“Not really, no. I haven’t really talked to my parents much lately.”

“So you don’t want to meet my parents?”

“Its not like that.”

“Then what is it like.”

“Its just.. we are just having fun.”

“This is more than having fun.”

“James, I’m 19. What do you want me to do?”

“I don’t know. I just thought it was more serious than apparently it is.”

“I like you.”

“And I love you.” He said and I just looked at the floor.

“James, I wish I could say I love you, but I’m not ready for that.”

“When will you be ready? In a month, in a year, in two years?”

“that’s not fair, James.”

“Its completely fair. I think I deserve to know what my girlfriend is thinking.”

“I like you. Do I think I’m going to marry you, I don’t know.”

“Why would you want to date someone that you don’t want to marry?”

“Because I’m 19.”

“And I’m 28.”

“I know, and what happens when you leave for another hospital next year?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’m not following a man around the country. I never planned on getting married until atleast medical school, ideally after medical school. That means you won’t be married til you are 34.”

“I can do the math, Grace. Thanks.”

“Don’t be rude to me.” I said.

“I just didn’t know that’s how you felt.”

“James, I like you. I like hanging out with you. Its just I’m not ready for a huge commitment. You are ready to think about marriage. Your five year plan probably includes kids. My ten year plan doesn’t even include kids.”

“So what are you saying?”

“I’m saying that we are in two very different places in our lives. If I was five years older or you were five years younger..”

“So its just not going to work?”

“I wish it would. You are a great guy. I needed you this summer.”

“Just not the right guy.”

“Maybe you are the right guy, just not right now.”

“I’m always going to be 8 years older than you.”

“Yeah, but I won’t always be 19 and scared of my parents.” I said.

“James, I’m really sorry.” I said feeling really bad.

“Its fine. You are right. Its not right.” He said.

“I wish it was.”

“Me too.” He said.

“Can we still talk?” I asked.

“Yeah, I think I need that.” He said.

“I’m sorry.”

“don’t be. You don’t have to be. You did nothing wrong. You just are young.”

“You can’t change age.”

“I never thought it would be an issue.”

“Me either. Its just we are headed in two different directions. Its kind of like its inevitable. Because in a year you are leaving Pittsburgh. Either we break up now or then.” I said.

“It would just be that much harder in a year.” He said.

“Its pretty hard right now.”

“I know.” He said.

We talked for an hour or so after that.Then I left without ever eating the dinner he had cooked for me. I just wasn’t ready. I don’t think James and I would have worked right now regardless if there was a Sidney. We are just in two different places. I did need him, that wasn’t a lie. He is a great guy. I didn’t know where to go from here. Do I tell Sidney that we broke up? I don’t know, because I don’t know if I even want to be with Sidney. What do I do? I can’t talk to Liam because he has Maggie. Am I jealous of Maggie? I miss Liam. I love Liam, but I don’t think I am in love with Liam. This is just great. Why am I so messed up? Why can’t I just know what I want. Why does everything have to be so complicating. One thing was for sure, Rose and I got to be single together for the first time in our lives. That might be fun. The next year would definitely be an interesting one. All I can say is bring it on.