Thirty-One.

“Hey, baby.” James said later that night when I walked into his apartment.

“Hey.” I said. After I had a talk with Rose, I just went into my room and listened to music. I also kept thinking. Thinking about the upcoming year and the past year. I was thinking about James and Sidney and the future. This little love triangle I created had to end soon. I was over it. My heart was over it.

“Hey, I want to talk to you about something.” He said coming over to me on the couch in his living room.

“K whats up?” I asked a little nervous about what was about to be said.

“My parents are coming to visit next week.”

“Oh that’s exciting.” I said not completely sure where he was going with this.

“I want you to meet them.” He said it and my eyes just got wider.

“Oh..” I simply said.

“you don’t want too?”

“I just think its really early to be meeting parents.”

“Well it would happen eventually.”

“yeah, eventually, not now.” I said.

“Why don’t you want too?”

“Because its only been like a month.” I said.

“Whats the difference.”

“Meeting parents is a big step.”

“I know, that’s why I want you to meet them.”

“James..” I said.

“Grace.”

“I don’t know what you expected me to say.”

“That you wanted to meet them. I mean I want to meet your parents.”

“My parents don’t even know I am dating someone.” I said.

“They don’t even know about me?”

“Not really, no. I haven’t really talked to my parents much lately.”

“So you don’t want to meet my parents?”

“Its not like that.”

“Then what is it like.”

“Its just.. we are just having fun.”

“This is more than having fun.”

“James, I’m 19. What do you want me to do?”

“I don’t know. I just thought it was more serious than apparently it is.”

“I like you.”

“And I love you.” He said and I just looked at the floor.

“James, I wish I could say I love you, but I’m not ready for that.”

“When will you be ready? In a month, in a year, in two years?”

“that’s not fair, James.”

“Its completely fair. I think I deserve to know what my girlfriend is thinking.”

“I like you. Do I think I’m going to marry you, I don’t know.”

“Why would you want to date someone that you don’t want to marry?”

“Because I’m 19.”

“And I’m 28.”

“I know, and what happens when you leave for another hospital next year?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’m not following a man around the country. I never planned on getting married until atleast medical school, ideally after medical school. That means you won’t be married til you are 34.”

“I can do the math, Grace. Thanks.”

“Don’t be rude to me.” I said.

“I just didn’t know that’s how you felt.”

“James, I like you. I like hanging out with you. Its just I’m not ready for a huge commitment. You are ready to think about marriage. Your five year plan probably includes kids. My ten year plan doesn’t even include kids.”

“So what are you saying?”

“I’m saying that we are in two very different places in our lives. If I was five years older or you were five years younger..”

“So its just not going to work?”

“I wish it would. You are a great guy. I needed you this summer.”

“Just not the right guy.”

“Maybe you are the right guy, just not right now.”

“I’m always going to be 8 years older than you.”

“Yeah, but I won’t always be 19 and scared of my parents.” I said.

“James, I’m really sorry.” I said feeling really bad.

“Its fine. You are right. Its not right.” He said.

“I wish it was.”

“Me too.” He said.

“Can we still talk?” I asked.

“Yeah, I think I need that.” He said.

“I’m sorry.”

“don’t be. You don’t have to be. You did nothing wrong. You just are young.”

“You can’t change age.”

“I never thought it would be an issue.”

“Me either. Its just we are headed in two different directions. Its kind of like its inevitable. Because in a year you are leaving Pittsburgh. Either we break up now or then.” I said.

“It would just be that much harder in a year.” He said.

“Its pretty hard right now.”

“I know.” He said.

We talked for an hour or so after that.Then I left without ever eating the dinner he had cooked for me. I just wasn’t ready. I don’t think James and I would have worked right now regardless if there was a Sidney. We are just in two different places. I did need him, that wasn’t a lie. He is a great guy. I didn’t know where to go from here. Do I tell Sidney that we broke up? I don’t know, because I don’t know if I even want to be with Sidney. What do I do? I can’t talk to Liam because he has Maggie. Am I jealous of Maggie? I miss Liam. I love Liam, but I don’t think I am in love with Liam. This is just great. Why am I so messed up? Why can’t I just know what I want. Why does everything have to be so complicating. One thing was for sure, Rose and I got to be single together for the first time in our lives. That might be fun. The next year would definitely be an interesting one. All I can say is bring it on.