Twenty-Six

I walked into my room and braced myself for what was to happen next. I knew Sidney knew about James. I knew he knew that I was dating someone that wasn’t him. I know he would be mad and knowing I made him mad kind of hurts my heart. Actually, just hearing his voice is probably going to pull at my heart strings.

“Hi.” I said calling him.

“I didn’t think you call.”

“Of course I would call.” I said and then there was just silence.

“ I have thought about calling you for so long, but.”

“But, you started dating someone else.”

“Marc-Andre told you.” I said.

“Who is he?”

“His name is James. He is a doctor at the children’s hospital. He is friends with Mollie. We just talked and he helped me with some of my classes.”

“Then you started dating.”

“I guess.”

“How old is he?”

“Sidney, it doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter. You broke up with me. You broke up with me and then you start dating someone else who your parents probably wouldn’t approve of.”

“They don’t know.”

“I get it. You will betray your parents for him and not for me. It makes sense now.” He said.

“Sidney, its not like that.” I said.

“It appears like it to me.” He said.

“Sidney, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I miss you.”

“You can’t miss me while you are sleeping with someone else.”

“But I do.”

“Why are you with him?”

“He understands me.”

“And I don’t.”

“Its like he can appreciate everything I want and am doing. He thinks things I do aren’t ordinary. He thinks that the way I feel and think and want to change the world is extraordinary. He just gets it. He gets me.” I said.

“And I don’t.”

“I’m not saying that.”

“Yeah, you are. You are exactly saying that.” He said.

“And its not fair. I know how extraordinary you are. I told you that all the time. Its not fair just to say that he can relate to you on the medical level that he thinks you are more extraordinary than I do. I probably think you are even more so because to me aspiring to be a doctor is extraordinary enough.” He said.

“Sidney, James isn’t better than you. I’m not saying that. You two are very different. I can’t tell you why I am dating him right now, but I am. And I’m sorry and if I was stronger than we would be together but I’m not. I’m only 19, Sidney. I’m still trying to figure everything out.”

“Okay, but can’t we atleast talk.”

“Yeah, I would like that.” I said.

“I have missed you.”

“I know, Sid. I’m sorry I have been ignoring you. I’m sorry that MAF had to tell you about James.. I should have been the one.”

“You shouldn’t have too. You are free to date someone. I slept with someone in the Bahamas.” He said.

“I figured as much.” I said.

“I got to go.” I said. I knew he had slept with someone. I was silly to think that he could wait for me. It was silly for me to think that and I shouldn’t care. I am the one that told him to sleep with whomever he wishes.

Don’t be mad at me.

I’m not.

Yes you are. You hung up as soon as I said that.

Because even thought I figured you have slept with someone, I didn’t think you would have while we were still talking.

I’m sorry.

Its fine. I’m not mad. Its just weird, if you slept with someone while we were talking, I don’t want to think about what you are doing now.

Don’t do that. You are with James.

Yeah but James isn’t just a random hookup. You probably have a new girl every night.

You don’t get to care. You gave up that right when you broke up with me.

Oh yeah, because you sleeping with someone in the Bahamas really was the right thing to do.

I’m sorry, I told you that already.

I know, okay. Its fine. I have to go to class. I’ll ttyl.

“Sidney slept with someone in the Bahamas.” I said walking into Liam’s room.

“What?”

“He slept with someone on the vacation.”

“And you are mad about this?”

“Yeah.”

“You shouldn’t be.”

“Why?”

“Because you broke up with him and you are sleeping with James.”

“Forget about James! What about him sleeping with someone when we were still together!” I said.

“Just let it go.” He said.

Twenty-Five

The past week or so, James has been spending a lot of time on the floor I frequent. He and I just talk about stupid stuff. We talk about things that just come up. He helps me with Calculus or Physics if I don’t understand. Its kind of nice, but I can’t help but miss Sidney. Its been about two weeks since I have talked to him. I missed him more than I thought I would. I wonder from time to time what he is doing, where is at, who is he with, and what he is thinking. I know I don’t deserve to miss him. I don’t deserve to think about him, but I do. I know I messed up. I know that I shouldn’t have listened to my parents, but what is done is done. There is nothing I can do anymore. I was thinking about Sidney one night when James walked into the room and interrupted my thoughts.

“Hey.” I said when I heard him walk into the room.

“Whats up?” He asked.

“Nothing different than when you text me the same question about two hours ago. “ I said looking at him.

“When are you going to let me take you out?” He asked sitting down beside me.

“Stop it.” I said.

“I’m serious.” He said.

“You are 28 and I’m 19.” I said.

“I don’t care. I like you. I want to take you out.” He said.

“You may not care that you are that much older than me, but other people do.”

“No they don’t. Can I just take you out?”

“You are a doctor, I don’t think you have time to date.” I said.

“I somehow find time to come up here and talk to you and help you with your homework.. I think I have time to take you to dinner.” He said. I just gave him a look.

“Why won’t you let me take you out?”

“I told you. The boy that I use to date, my parents forbid me. Its only been like two weeks.” I said.

“I just want to take you to dinner.”

“Just dinner.” I said.

“Just dinner.” He repeated.

Just dinner led to another dinner. And that dinner led to another. And then it led to a movie. And then came scrabble. Then came coffee and studying til morning. And we would talk about life. We would talk about everything. He was great. James was what I needed. Its been about two weeks and no thinking of Sidney. Until, I saw Marc-Andre. James has a house in the same neighborhood. Actually he lives kind of across the street. The one morning, James and I left his house at the same time and Marc-Andre just happened to be walking out of his house too. I tried not to make eye contact. I tried not to let James notice, but that didn’t work either.

“You know Marc-Andre?” He asked me when we got into his car.

“Kind of.”

“Kind of?”

“That boy I was forbidden to see.. kind of was one of his teammates.” I said.

“Let me guess.”

“You aren’t going to guess.” I said.

“Just tell me.”

“Why?”

“Because if my girlfriend use to date a hockey player, I should probably know.”

“First, I’m not your girlfriend.”

“Then what do you call what we are doing?”

“Dating. We are dating. We are having fun. I like you, but its only been like two weeks.” I said.

“Fine. It was Sidney Crosby.” He said.

“Yeah, it was. I don’t talk to him anymore, so who cares.” I simply said and rolled down the window.

“Why did your parents hate him?”

“Because of the life he leads. They thought if I relied on him and started to love him and then got sick again, I would be devastated because he couldn’t be there for me.”

“You won’t get sick.” He said.

“I know that and you know that.” I said. James knew I had cancer from the get go. I think Mollie let it slip one time. I was kind of relieved. I didn’t want to have to explain everything. It was kind of nice that he just knew. I must have gave a look because he changed the subject.

“So I get off around 11 tonight. Are you volunteering or do you want me to come to your apartment after?” He asked.

“I have to study, so just come after.” I said. This was the routine. We would be together any moment we could be. I liked James. I really did like James, but seeing Marc just made everything real again. Me liking James isn’t just me liking James, it affects Sidney too.

“Hey.” Liam said when I walked in to the apartment.

“How’s James?” He asked me. For some reason, Liam liked James. They got along right away. Liam started seeing this girl named Maggie. She was really nice too. I think this was the first time that we could both talk to eachother about the opposite sex. We were happy for eachother, it was nice. Liam liked James, but he also liked Sidney.

“Fine. I saw Marc-Andre.” I said.

“Where?”

“Ironically, James and Marc-Andre live in the same development.” I said.

“Why is he even in Pittsburgh?” He asked.

“I have no idea. But he saw us leaving James’ house.”

“I know you don’t want to hear this.. but.”

“Say it, Liam.”

“I like James, I do. I just don’t see how you dating a 28 year old is going to sit with your parents any better than Sidney.” He said.

“Maybe I don’t care what my parents think.” I said.

“So you are going to betray your parents for James but not for Sidney.”

“Its not like that.” I said.

“It kind of is.”

“Me having feelings for James doesn’t change the way I feel for Sidney.”

“It has too, Grace.”

“Why?”

“Because you can’t love both guys. You can’t be sleeping with James but thinking about Sidney.”

“When I am sleeping with James I’m not thinking about Sidney.”

“Fine”

“I don’t get your point.”

“My point is, James can’t replace Sidney.”

“James isn’t Sidney, therefore he can’t replace him.”

“I know that, but I don’t think you do.”

“What do you want me to say?” I asked.

“I just don’t think its fair for you to be doing this.”

“Well I don’t think its fair that my parents won’t let me date Sidney.”

“Stand up to them then! If you want to date Sidney, go for it. If you want to date James, go for it. But you can’t let Sidney think that the only reason you aren’t together is because of your parents, because that’s not true anymore.” He said.

“If it wasn’t for my parents, I would be with Sidney.” I said.

“Then maybe you shouldn’t be with James.” He said and walked into his room.

Liam was right, I guess. I don’t know. I guess that’s the bottom line, I like Sidney a lot. I miss Sidney a lot. But I like being with James too. They both seem to fit. They both seem to be people I could love. One thing was for sure, I couldn’t keep running from Sidney especially because I got a text from him when I was talking to Liam.

We need to talk.

Twenty-Four.

“Are you feeling better?” Liam asked me when I walked into the kitchen the next morning.

“No, because what happened last night.. still happened.” I said.

“If you really think you need to be with him, then just call him up tell you were stupid.” He said.

“And lie to my parents?” I asked.

“Yeah.”

“I can’t do that.”

“If you are that unhappy about living without Sidney, you have to do it.” He said.

“I just don’t get why they made me do it.” I said.

“I kind of see where they are coming from.” He said.

“What?”

“I mean I can see both sides.”

“Enlighten me.” I said.

“We both know that when you have cancer, you need a support system. You need the people you love around you. You need to feel that love, because if you don’t you feel even more alone that you already are. I know you, Grace. I know you better than anyone else. If you are with Sidney, you will jump in head first, which you should. I am not saying loving Sidney is wrong. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be with him, but I am saying that if you did get sick again, he wouldn’t be there unless the timing was perfect. If you got sick during the summer he would be there, no questions asked. But, any other time he can’t possibly be the guy you need him to be, even if he wanted to be.”

“I have you and my parents and Rose. Knowing Sidney loves me and wishes he could be with me would be enough. Its not like he would be gone for months at a time, he would be gone for a few days at a time.” I said.

“True, but don’t you think it would kill him knowing you are going through this and he isn’t there?”

“I don’t know, Liam. But, it doesn’t matter now because I can’t be with him. And I don’t get why this is an issue. I don’t have cancer. Its like saying that a random person shouldn’t date a professional athlete because on the off chance they would become terminally ill, they wouldn’t be around.”

“It sucks, Grace. It does. And I know your heart is hurting and I know you probably should be with Sidney. You need to make your parents see that. You need to give them some time.”

“Sidney isn’t going to wait for me forever. I can’t ask him to do that. I can’t ask him to wait for me until my parents give me the okay.”

“It’s a shitty situation. There really isn’t anything you can do if you aren’t going to lie to your parents. I wish I could help, I would I could make it better, but I can’t.” He said.

“I’m just going to miss him.” I said.

“You don’t have to cut him out completely.”

“I feel like I have too. Talking to him or seeing him is just going to hurt that much more.” I said.

“I think you should just give it some time. He isn’t even coming back for a few months. So much can happen between now and then.”

“Exactly. I’m scared that he will forget me. I’m scared that he will find someone better.”

“If he could forget you, he’s not worth it.” He said.

For the past four days, I haven’t talked to Sidney. He hasn’t tried to talk to me and I haven’t tried to talk to him. That’s not to say I haven’t been thinking about him. Its kind of gotten ridiculous, I think about him all the time. The past four days, I haven’t done anything besides study, go to class, and go to the hospital. I have been with Ty every waking moment while I am at the hospital. I have seen James a few times. We keep giving each other glances, but we haven’t really talked.

I was sitting in the family room. Ty fell asleep while I was holding him. It was comforting just holding him, watching him sleep. It was like no care in the world followed me into that hospital. It was like nothing existed outside of these walls, and that’s why I liked going there. I was in control while I was in this hospital. I was in control of my life, my parents weren’t.

“So guess who keeps asking questions about you?” Mollie said walking into the family room.

“Who?”

“James.”

“Why?”

“I guess he is curious.”

“Are you friends with him?”

“Yeah, I guess. He is here all the time.”

“Yeah. I don’t get why he cares about me.”

“I’m sure you will find out. You two are bound to bump into eachother again. You both basically live here these days.”

“I have seen him. We just kind of look at each other. He always seems busy.”

“Just give it time.” She said.

Mollie was right. James did come around the next day. I was in the family room around 9. I had just cleaned the toys up and was about to study. I did this every once and awhile. I would stay late to study or I would just do the little things. I would stay up with a patient just to talk, its just things I would do. I was just about to crack open my calculus book when James walked in.

“Hey, what are you doing?” I asked him.

“Mollie said you were in here, so I thought I’d come say hi.” He said.

“Okay?” I said a little confused.

“What are you studying?”

“Calculus.” I said.

“So you go to school here?” He asked.

“I go to school at Pitt.”

“For?”

“Nursing.”

“I didn’t think nurses had to take calculus.”

“They don’t. I want to be a doctor.” I said.

“Things are finally falling into place.” He said laughing a little.

“So I haven’t seen you around really before this summer?”

“Yeah, I’m not usually on this floor that much.”

“What kind of doctor are you?”

“I’m a pediatrician, obviously.” He said.

“Well I didn’t know if you declared a specialty or something.” I said.

“So what year are you?” I asked.

“I’m starting my third year residency. I’m 28.”

“Oh, wow. That’s cool.”

“How old are you?”

“Not 28.”

“Well I hope not since you are still in college.”

“I’m young. When I tell you how young, you will start looking at me differently.”

“I won’t.”

“Why?” I asked confused by his answer.

“Because anyone that will dedicate so much time doing something and not getting paid for it is someone who is mature and can see the big picture. No matter how young you may think you are, you are a much older soul.” He said.

“Thanks, I guess.” I said.

“Do you need any help with Calc?” He asked.

“No, I’m fine.” I said. After a few minutes of me reading the textbook and him just staring at me, I finally broke the silence.

“What school did you go too?” I asked.

“I went to Vanderbilt and then Virginia Medical School.” He said.

“Two good schools.” I said.

“Impressed?” He asked.

“Maybe.” I said giving him a little smirk.

“I’m originally from a small town in Tennessee.”

“Why didn’t you stay in Virginia for your residency? They have a good children’s hospital.” I said.

“Yeah, they do. I wanted a change of scenery. Pitt is really good too.”

“What’s your specialty going to be?” I asked.

“Neonatology.” He said.

“Wow.” I said. Then I didn’t really know what to do. It wasn’t like he was annoying me, it was interesting to talk to someone that is going through something that I want to go through. He seems nice enough and I didn’t mean to be rude, but I really did need to do work.

“Well, I got to go study.” I said packing up my books.

“Sorry to interrupt.” He said.

“Oh no, that’s okay. I better get back to my apartment anyways.” I said.

“Well, I’ll see you around.” He said and I got up.

“Yeah, see you.” I said smiling and leaving the room.

Twenty-Three.

“You can’t just hide out at the hospital until your parents say its okay.” Liam said walking into the family room at the children’s hospital.

“What are you doing here?” I asked surprised to see him in the hospital.

“I’m here to knock some sense into you. Its been a week since you got back from your parents and all you have done has been go to class and come to the hospital.”

“So what?”

“So, don’t you think you should tell the other person who this involves about whats going on?”

“I don’t want to hurt Sidney.” I explained.

“Then don’t.”

“I have too. My parents own the place I live. My parents pay for everything. I can’t just say to hell with them.” I said.

“then tell Sidney.”

“Its not as easy as black and white, Liam.”

“Maybe not, but you can’t just hide out in the hospital forever.”

“Bye, Liam. I’ll see you at home later.” I said.

“What was that about?”Mollie asked. She walked in right as Liam was leaving.

“Liam trying to give advice.” I said.

“Are you going to take it?” She asked me.

“Doubtful.” I simply said.

“I have a favor to ask of you.” She said.

“Okay, I’m kind of scared.” I said giving her a look.

“This one family just came in. Their daughter who is 7 just got diagnosed. They also have a one and half year old boy, do you think while you are at the hospital you could just hang around him and babysit him and give the parents a break?” She asked me.

“Of course. I do basically live here.” I said.

“Thanks, his name is Ty. I’ll introduce you to the family.” She said and led me to the family room.

Ty was really cute. I didn’t mind hanging around him while I was at the hospital. He was kind of exhausting though. However, it did take my mind off of Sidney, which was always a good thing.

The next day Ty was hungry so we went to the cafeteria. It was around 5ish so a lot of people were getting dinner at the time. Ty was kind of restless at that point. I was holding him in the line but then he insisted on getting down, so I put him down. Then he just started wandering. I can’t say I was mad because the man he wandered too was quite attracted. Ty just walked up to this doctor and just was looking at him. And when I say walk up to him, I mean like right up to him.

“I’m so sorry. Come on Ty, lets get back in line.” I said picking Ty up. He definitely didn’t want picked up.

“Its not a problem. Looks like you got your hands full anyways.” The doctor said.

“Yeah, you could say that.” I said and walked away. When we got our food, we sat at a table not even close to that man’s table. However, we did catch eachother’s eye. It was kind of weird in a way.

I sent a text to Rose. The one good thing about the medical profession.. cute boys.

Later that night, I gave Ty back to the family. I went to see Mollie. She was just hanging out at the nurses station, it was the end of second shift. She was with her boyfriend, Mark, who is also an RN in the hospital. They were also standing with the doctor from the cafeteria. I didn’t notice because I was so exhausted.

“This is why I don’t have kids yet.” I said putting up my hair. Then I noticed the cute doctor.

“That bad?” Mollie asked.

“What do you think?”

“Oh, Grace.. this is James.” She said referring to the doctor.

“Hi.” I said.

“Hi, you are the girl with the kid in the cafeteria.” James stated.

“Yeah, not my kid. Just helping out.” I simply said.

“You work here?” He asked me.

“Worse.. She volunteers here.” Mollie said.

“Better than the alternative.” I said giving Mollie a look.

“Stop it.” She said.

“Well, I better go. Liam is probably freaking out.” I said laughing.

“Maybe I will see you and..” James started to say.

“Ty.” I said.

“Maybe I will see you and Ty around again.” He said.

“Yeah, maybe. Or maybe he won’t just wander off again.” I said. I was clearly tired and not up for this. I started walking to the elevators and he was walking with me.

“Tired?” He asked me.

“Kind of.” I said.

“I know the feeling.” He said.

“Well I’ll see you around.” I said when I got off the elevator.

“Where have you been?” Liam asked me as soon as I walked into the door.

“The hospital. You act like I have been missing. You know where I am every single time.” I said.

“Next time, take your phone. I don’t want to see Sidney call like ten times.” He said.

“Shut up, Liam.” I said.

“No, Grace. You are calling him. Tonight. Because if you don’t.. I will.” He said. I took my phone and went into my bedroom. Moment of truth. I dialed his number.

“Hey.” I simply said.

“Glad you are alive.” He said. No hello, no nothing. He had a right to be mad. I had been avoiding his calls and texts for over a week.

“Yeah, sorry.”

“Yeah, sorry? That’s all I get.”

“Sidney..” I started to say and then I wasn’t sure I wanted to do it anymore. Then Liam walked in and I knew I had to do it.

“Sidney, I’ve been avoiding you.”

“No shit.”

“I’ve been avoiding you because my parents don’t want me to see you anymore.” I said.

“What are we in high school again?” He asked.

“No, but I am living off their money. They don’t want me to see you, I don’t have a choice.” I said.

“You do have a choice, Grace. You always have a choice.”

“Not really, Sidney. I can’t afford school, I can’t afford rent.. I need them.”

“Why don’t they want us to be together? They don’t even know me.”

“They know of you, and that’s all that matters. They don’t think your lifestyle fits well with mine.”

“What does that mean?”

“They think that I need someone that is going to be there for me when I need them.”

“And I will be.”

“And I told them that. But they are scared that I am going to love you and then if I get sick again, I will need you and you don’t be able to be there. They aren’t doubting that you are a good person, they are doubting that you are the right person.” I explained.

“So because I am a hockey player, I can’t date you?” He asked.

“because you are a hockey player and I use to have cancer.” I said.

“So what does this mean?”

“It means that we can’t be together. We weren’t really together anyways.” I said.

“We were and you know it.”

“No, you could be with other girls and by the conversation we last had.. you have been.”

“Don’t get into that again. You are always the one breaking this off.” He said.

“I don’t want to break it off, I have too.”

“No you don’t. You are choosing too.”

“I don’t think you understand. I can’t be with you because I need my parents money. They are my parents. I love them, okay. I’m sorry that its this way but there is nothing I can do.” I said.

“So we can’t talk? That’s it. We just aren’t friends anymore?”

“I just don’t think we can be. It would be too hard. I don’t know. I want to be friends with you but it just doesn’t feel right.”

“None of this feels right to me.” He said.

“I’m sorry. I just can’t do it. You are free to do whatever you want. Or should I say whoever you want.” I said.

“Fine.” He said.

“Bye.”

“Bye.” He said. I hung up the phone and I just broke down. Liam must have heard me crying because he walked into my room.

“I knew it would be hard, but I didn’t think it would hurt this bad.” I said while hugging him.

“I know, Grace. It will be okay.” He said trying to comfort me.

“I could have loved him, Liam. I just told a boy who didn’t deserve to hear it that I couldn’t be with him because of his occupation.” I said and just continued to cry.

“I can’t handle this. I won’t be able to just not ever see him. It kills me to think that. It kills me to think that he could just replace me. It kills me to think that its not killing him.” I said.

“Its killing him, Grace.” He said.

After about a half hour of crying, I just looked up at Liam with bloodshot eyes and said, “What did I just do?”

“I fucked up. I know I did. I know that its not right. I know that its not what I want, but I had to do it. I just don’t get why my parents made me do this.” I said still crying.

“Because they love you.”

“If they loved me, they wouldn’t have made me do this.” I said.

After about an hour of crying to Liam, he went to his room to sleep. I couldn’t sleep, I just kept thinking of Sidney. After awhile, I just felt sick. I went to the bathroom and just started puking. I know Liam heard me. He had too, but he didn’t do anything. He couldn’t do anything. I did this. My parents made me do this and there was nothing I could. I wasn’t strong enough to tell my parents no. But, I definitely didn’t think it would hurt this much. After hugging the toilet, I went into Liam’s room. He pulled back the covers and let me slide in with him. I don’t know how long I cried with my head on his chest. Who would have thought this would happen? Me laying in bed with Liam thinking of another guy. I was actually crying in bed with Liam over another guy, a guy I could have potentially loved as much or more than I loved Liam. But that was over now. Sidney and I were over. We had to be, my parents made sure of that.

Twenty-Two.

I was going home for the fourth of July and I was really excited. I would be spending about four days there total. I would get to see my cousins and Rose, and Travis and KellyAnn, as well as Marlana and her boyfriend, Martin. It would be fun and it was nice to get away from the city. Liam has been my rock lately. I know, I tell people that and they aren’t surprised. I told Mollie, an RN on the oncology unit at the Children’s hospital, and she was just like what did you expect? I guess she was right. Liam was my rock always. He was always my rock. He wasn’t coming home this weekend with me. He wanted to stay in the city for the fourth, I guess I couldn’t really blame him.

“Tell me about Sidney.” Marlana said while we were all sitting in the living room of my parent’s house.

“Nothing to tell.” I simply said.

“Oh come off it. You are dating Sidney Crosby and there is nothing to tell!” KellyAnn said.

“KellyAnn!” I said mortified.

“I’m just saying there must be something to say.”

“There is nothing to say. He is in Canada and he is a nice guy.” I said.

“Who is Sidney Crosby?” My mom asked.

“He is the youngest captain in NHL history and could arguably be the best player in the league.” Travis said. My mom just looked at him confused.

“He is a really good hockey player. I have even heart about him.” My dad said.

“And you are dating him?” My mom asked.

“I guess. Its nothing really.”

“Its something.” KellyAnn said.

“I don’t understand why you are acting like you know whats going on when you don’t live in Pittsburgh and you met Sidney for like ten minutes!” I said.

“I saw the way he looked at you after the game. I also see the way you talk about him and lets be honest if a boy got you over Liam, than it must be a big deal.” KellyAnn said.

“How is Liam?” My mother asked. My mom always loved Liam. It is kind of hard not to love Liam, but its also really hard not to love Sidney. I mean I don’t love Sidney, but I know that I could.

“Liam is good, mom. He is just Liam. You know work hard, party hard.” I said.

“What does he think about Sidney?” Marlana asked.

“He likes him a lot.” I said.

“Really?” Marlana asked.

“Yeah. He didn’t at first, but he does now a lot. Liam is very good friends with some of the other hockey players, so it works out.” I said.

“That’s nice.” My mom said.

“Yeah, Liam is really good. He has a job for the summer.”

“Doing what?” My mom asked.

“Construction.”

“So do you see him a lot?” Mom asked.

“Yeah. He stays at the apartment atleast five nights a week right now. I don’t really like staying there by myself.” I said.

“I’m glad you have him.” My dad said.

“Me too.” I said.

I was kind of relieved that the Sidney thing was out in the open. However, it would come back to bite me the next day. I was sitting on the back porch and my mom and dad came out to talk to me. I knew it was important because never do my parents both come out and sit down. Its not uncommon for one to come out and the other to follow, but both came out with a determined look on their face.

“We want to talk to you about something.” My mom said. I just looked at her a little confused.

“Its about this Sidney boy.” She continued.

“What about him?” I asked.

“We just don’t think it’s a good idea for you two to be together.” My mom said.

“What? We are dating and we are friends. He is a good guy, you don’t even know him.” I said getting a little defensive.

“We don’t need to know him. He is a 21 year old boy who has more money than he knows what to do with.”

“You don’t want me to see him because he has money?” I asked disgusted.

“No, but boys in that kind of lifestyle.. I just don’t think it’s a good fit.” My mother said.

“You don’t even know him, mom. He is a great guy!” I said.

“But he is a professional athlete. He travels.. you two have nothing in common.”My dad said.

“You don’t know anything about him, so you don’t know what we have in common. He travels and yes, he is a professional athlete, but that doesn’t mean that he isn’t one of the best guys I have ever met.” I said.

“Better than Liam?”Mom asked.

“That’s not fair, Mom. Liam and Sidney are very different people. Both are great people, but Liam is my best friend. I love Liam, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love Sidney too.”

“But you don’t yet.” My dad said.

“Because I have only known him for a few months. I just want to be able to date him.”

“We don’t want to tell you who to date.” My dad said.

“Then why are you? Why can’t you just be happy that I have found someone that makes me happy.” I said.

“I am happy that you found someone. But just think about this..”

“Think about what?”

“Does he even know about your illness?” My mom asked.

“My illness? Last time I checked I don’t have anything wrong with me!” I said getting even more upset.

“Does he know about your previous illness?” My dad asked.

“Yes, I told him everything. He knows.” I said.

“How did he take it?” My mom asked.

“He is a great guy! He was there for me. He wants to be there for me.”

“I’m not saying he doesn’t want to be there for you, but heaven forbid something bad happens, he won’t be able to be there for you.” My mom said.

“He will be.”

“He can’t be. I’m not saying he is a bad guy, he could be a great guy. He is a fabulous hockey player and I’m not doubting that he makes you happy.” My dad said.

“Then wants your point?” I asked.

“No matter how much he wants to be there for you if you have a relapse, he works a job that he can’t be there. He travels, hockey is his life, his profession, his love. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, but in your situation he can’t be there for you.”

“My situation? I’m not dying. I don’t have cancer anymore. I am perfectly fine. Its my job to take care of myself and its my job to pick who I want in my life.” I said.

“I don’t understand why you would want to be with someone that can’t be there for you like you need.”

“He wants to be there. He will be there if it came to that. Plus, I have Liam.” I said.

“Liam isn’t your boyfriend.” My mother said.

“You are right. He is not. He is my best friend and I want him there. I also want Sidney there and I don’t think its fair for you both to be judging him when you don’t know anything about our relationship.” I said.

“You are right. But, I don’t think you should be involved with him.”

“Why, Mom?”

“Because of his lifestyle. He is a famous athlete. He can get whatever he wants, whenever he wants.” She said.

“And he wants me.” I said.

“That’s what scares me. You are going to get attached and when you need him most he won’t be there.” She said.

“I’m dating Sidney and there isn’t anything you can do about it. I don’t live here anymore, remember?” I said. I was determined to win this battle.

“You may not live here anymore, but last time I checked you still lived under our roof. We pay for that apartment.” Mom said.

“So you are forbidding me from dating Sidney?” I asked.

“I just think right now if your life, you don’t need someone like him.” My dad said. I just got up and went into my bedroom. After about an hour, I decided I needed to see Rose. I needed her advice. She had been dating the same boy for 4 years. He was still in high school, which was hard for her being away, but it all worked out. She was the girl I went too when I needed advice. She was my girl best friend. She would know what to do.

“Aren’t you going to get that?” Rose asked me. I looked down at my phone. It was Sidney. I just silenced the call.

“That’s kind of the reason I needed you.” I said.

short post.

“”I don’t want you to leave.” I said standing in front of my door. I was close to tears. Its not fair that everytime I am with him I like him more and more, and then he just leaves again. Its like a cruel joke that someone is playing with my heart.

“ I know, it will be fine though. We will talk everyday, I promise.” He said.

“Its not the same.” I said.

“It will have to be good enough because that’s all we got right now.” He said.

“I wish you lived in Pittsburgh forever.” I said.

“Don’t cry.”

“I don’t want to cry, but I don’t want you to leave. I hate goodbyes.” I said with tears slowing rolling down my face.

“Its not a goodbye. I’m coming back.”

“In like three months.” I said.

“I’m sorry, Grace. I wish I didn’t have to go, but I do.” He said.

“I know, sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. I’ll call you when I land.” He said and then we had a big, long hug and a goodbye kiss.

He’s gone. I sent to Liam.

Are you okay?

No, how could I be?

Did you cry?

Yeah, it was so hard not too. You know I hate goodbyes.

Its not really a goodbye, it’s a see you later.

Cliché. And see you later? Yeah in like three months.

Its not that long.

So much could change in those months.

Like what?

He could find someone better, I’m sure there are a million girls out there.

He doesn’t want anyone better. And in my opinion, there is no one better and if Sidney doesn’t know that already than he is just stupid.

Thanks, Liam. Movie night?

Of course. I’ll be back in a little.

I’m going to go to the library for a little. Text me when you are home and then I’ll come home then too.

Do you need help studying or anything?

No, I’m going to go to the library and then maybe go to the hospital for a little.

Okay, keep your head up. I love you.

Thanks, love you too.

Sidney left about a week ago. It was rough. A lot rougher than I thought it would be. I liked him a lot. More than I thought would be possible, especially since he was in Canada. We have been talking probably more than we did before he came back to Pittsburgh. We were talking, but it still wasn’t the same as being with him. And I couldn’t forget the date incident. For all I know, he could have been on countless dates in Canada and could have been with so many different girls. I know what he tells me, and he keeps saying he likes me and I’m the girl he wants to date, but who knows. When he is in Canada he sure isn’t getting any from me, so he must be getting it from somewhere.

Twenty-One.

“So did you play well today?” I asked him at dinner the next day.

“I mean I played okay.” He said.

“My dad plays golf a lot. Its funny because he will play golf like twice a week for work.. pretty good job to have.” I said laughing.

“Yeah, that’s pretty sweet.” He said.

“I think my dad would like you a lot.” I said.

“Really? Does he like hockey?” He asked me.

“No, actually not at all. My dad is into sports a lot. Mostly basketball and football, some baseball. And golf obviously, all dads love golf.” I said.

“Yeah.” He simply said.

“So how is being back home?” I asked.

“Good. Relaxing I should say. Its nice to just be at home with my dog and see my family.” He said.

“Go on any dates lately?” I asked taking a bite of my chicken.

“Grace.” He said.

“What? It’s a legit question.” I said.

“No, its not. Who asks things like that?” He asked.

“True. I don’t want to know if you went on any dates or if you have slept with anyone. Even though you obviously did or you wouldn’t have cared that I just asked.” I simply said.

“That’s not fair.” He said.

“Yeah, it’s not. Haven’t you figured out that I don’t really do whats fair sometimes. Life isn’t fair, trust me.” I said and he just looked at me.

“Changing subjects.” I said.

“New Batman movie comes out soon.. pretty exciting.” I said changing the subject.

“Are you really going to talk about movies?” He asked.

“Yeah, I am. I love Batman and movies. I think Liam and I will go to the midnight showing, that should be fun.” I said.

“Yeah.” He said.

On the ride home, I kept asking myself why I did that at dinner. Why did I get resentful towards him? I guess I do that a lot. I pick fights with people because I can. I pick fights with people to test their limits. I pick fights with people to see if they really care. I have always done that. I have always pushed people’s buttons. But did I think that he really did go on a date? No, it took me by surprise. I wasn’t expecting that at all. Its not my business. I was the one that told him that we aren’t exclusive. If it was anyone’s fault it was my own. However, it doesn’t make it hurt any less. I liked Sidney, I truly liked Sidney. I didn’t want him to leave and I didn’t want him to be dating anyone but me.

“Sorry about before.” I said once we got back to the apartment.

“Its fine, Grace.”

“No, its not. I pick fights sometimes.” I said.

“Yeah, I noticed.”

“I don’t know why I do it. I just do. Fighting with Liam always made me feel better. If I was having a bad day I always was like I want to yell at Liam, because I knew Liam would always be there. I knew Liam would let me yell at him because that’s what I needed. I shouldn’t do it and I’m sorry.”

“We are fine, Grace. I promise.” He said reaching for my hand.

“I don’t want to fight with you especially when you are here.” I said.

“I know. Its over. If you ever want to pick a fight with someone, you can pick it with me. I can handle it. I’m not going anywhere.” He said.

“Except Canada.” I said making a weird face.

“Yeah, except Canada.” He said trying to make the same face as I just made.

“You are cute.” I said laughing.

“Well thank you.” He said.

“Can I ask you a question?” He asked.

“You can ask me anything always.” I said.

“Don’t you think it will be hard to be a pediatric oncologist? I mean not like academically, but emotionally especially because you went through it?” He asked completely trying to understand a little more of what goes on in my head.

“Didn’t we ever talk about this?” I asked.

“No.” He said shaking his head.

“I always knew that I wanted to be a doctor before I got diagnosed. After, it was just so much clearer.”

“Why?”

“Its so much easier knowing that people have gone through what you are going through. Yeah, telling a kid they have cancer or telling a parent their kid has cancer is something you can’t even imagine. It’s a horrible thing to tell someone. A lot of people associate cancer with death. That shouldn’t be the case. 80% of kids (up to the age of 15) that are diagnosed with cancer survive. That’s a huge number, but to a lot of people that’s just a number. But I am proof. I’m not a part of that number because I was 16, but I got diagnosed and I am still alive. Telling someone they have cancer would be an awful day and I am sure that will happen daily in my life. But, I can’t think of a better day than telling a parent or a child that they are cancer free. I can help people and I know that. I know that I can make a difference. I know that I could be that ray of hope to someone that just got dealt a crappy set of cards.” I explained.

“You are stronger than I am. I don’t think I could do it.” He said.

“You could, I am sure. People always think that its so brave of me to want to do it, even when they don’t know I lived through it.”

“It is brave. Its probably a career that so many people can’t even imagine doing.” He said.

“Its not brave. Its something I know I can do. Its kind of a thing that I think I was destined to do. I know every doctor have a purpose and is important, but I can’t think of a greater purpose than fighting cancer.” I said.

“I could just talk to you about things like this for hours. You are just so amazing, your brain and heart are something I have never experienced before.” He said putting his hand over my heart.

“I’m not amazing, Sidney.” I said shaking my head.

“I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.” He said.

“You are so sweet.” I said kissing him.

Its moments like this that I couldn’t even imagine Sidney and I not working. Its moments like this that makes me thank God that I found Sidney. Its moments that like this that makes me wish that Sidney didn’t have to go back to Canada. But then I realize that he must.