Forty-One

“then nothing else really matters.” He said pulling away.

“Yes, it does. Love doesn’t just conquer all, Sidney.”

“Why, can’t it?”

“I loved you and my parents happened. I loved Liam and Morgan happened. I love and bad things happen. Love doesn’t mean a happily ever after.”

“When are you ever going to realize that I am not Liam.”

“I know, you aren’t. Liam is not bad. I know that you love me. I know that I love you. I also know that bad things happen to good people.”

“But don’t you think it would be better if we were together?” He said looking at me with those brown eyes.

“Everything would be better with you, I know it. It just scares me.”

“What exactly scares you?”

“Everything.”

“Getting cancer. You leaving. You breaking my heart.You..”

“Those things won’t happen.” He said cutting me off.

“Can we just go out or something?” I said changing the subject.

“Always changing the subject..”

“Well I don’t know what you want me to do or say, Sidney? Okay, I’m 19. This shit scares me. I stopped talking to James because he wanted something I couldn’t give him. I loved him but I wasn’t where he was at with everything. I loved him, but he loved me more. I was 16 when I met Liam and I was ready to give up the world for him. I was 16 and I was sure of everything. I loved him more than he loved me. Now, I’m not sure of anything. I’m not sure that love conquers all. I’m not sure I will ever be ready to up the world for anyone.”

“So where does that leave us?”

“We are us.”

“But you wouldn’t give up the world for me?”

“Would you give up the world for me? Would you give up hockey for me??” I asked and he got up from the couch.

“I’m not even answering that.” He said.

“Why?” I said getting up.

“Cause its not a fair question.”

“Okay, then don’t ever ask me how I am suppose to not be scared to be with you.”

“How are the two things related?”

“I’m scared to be with you because hockey will always come before me. Hockey will always be your number one. And that’s fine. Truly, I can live with that. I can live with having 75% of your heart, but I can’t live with knowing that you may not be there sometimes because you will be doing hockey.”

“Hockey is my job. Did you ever care that much about James being a doctor?”

“Yeah, I said that he would be leaving in a year and I’m not following him around.”

“But you weren’t scared to be with you?”

“No, because he loved me more than I loved him.”

“So that’s the problem? You think I don’t love you enough.”

“That’s not the problem. There is no problem, Sidney. I want to be with you.”

“Then why do you do this? Why do you pick things out of the wood work for us to fight about?”

“Its just what I do.” I said and walked to my room.

“I get that’s what you do.” He said and sat on my bed beside me.

“I don’t know how to tell you why I feel the way I do. I don’t know how to make me not feel that way.”

“Tell me what you do know.”

“I know that I do love you. I also know that I want to be with you.”

“Than that’s fine with me.” He said and kissed me.

“When do you have to leave.” I said pulling away.

“Never.” He said and kissed me again.

“No, seriously. When do you have practice?”

“We don’t have practice today. I’m yours all day long.”

“You shouldn’t have said that.” I said and we fell back to the bed.

Forty.

“Where’s Rose?” I said waking up and finding just Liam sitting in the living room.

“She is with Kris.” He said. I just gave him a look. Isn’t he in Sweden? I mean, I know he is in Sweden.

“They got back yesterday.”

“Nuh huh.” I said.

“Yeah, Grace. Didn’t Sidney say anything?”

“I haven’t talked to him since we went to the doctors.” I said and Liam just looked at me.

“That was four days ago.”

“I know.” I simply said and then went into my bedroom. I haven’t talked to Sidney and he hasn’t even tried to talk to me. Well that was entirely true, he called once that night and I ignored the call. Since then there was nothing. I didn’t know what to do. I liked Sidney. I liked Sidney and it was scary. It was scary because he leaves all the time. It is scary because I don’t want to put him through my stress. I’m scared but I’m also scared of not being with him.

Meet me at the coffee shop?

Open your door

I went and opened my door and there he was. Sidney was standing there with a coffee in hand.

“I come bearing a peace offering.” He said.

“You don’t need a peace offering.” I said and sat on the couch. No one was in the apartment but me. I was not sure where this conversation was going to go.

“I don’t really get what happened. Are we okay?”

“Yeah.” I said and he just looked at me.

“I’m glad, but that just makes me more confused.”

“Something happened when you were gone.”

“I figured as much. With Liam?”

“I mean Liam was there but not the way you think.”

“I’m so confused.”

“I thought it was back.” Was all I said. As soon as I said it, his face just dropped.

“Its not.” I said.

“Why didn’t you tell me? Don’t you think I deserve to know?! You’re the girl I love and this huge thing happened and you don’t tell me. Not only do you not tell me, you stop talking to me for days.”

“I’m glad you still love me.”

“That was never in doubt. Don’t change the subject.”

“I’m not. I was worried we were done.”

“Is that what you want?”

“Of course not. I want to be with you. I really want to be with you, I just got scared.”

“I could have helped.”

“I wanted to tell you. I wanted to curl up into a ball and lay in bed with you and never go out, but you were in Sweden.”

“But you still could have told me.”

“I know, but it wouldn’t have helped in any way.”

“Grace, look at me.” He said and I looked up.

“Grace. I like you. I don’t just like you, I love you. You are the girl of my dreams and if something is wrong in your life, something is wrong in my life. Don’t push me away. Don’t be scared to love me. Don’t be scared of cancer, or love, or anything. We can handle whatever, because I love you and I know you love me.”

“I do love you.”I said and kissed him.

back from the dead.

I am thinking about starting this story up again. I am in my last semester of college and living the good life. I don't live int he library anymore so maybe writing is where i should put my free time. I have no idea if I have anymore readers.. comment, please :)

Double!

“So what exactly are you and Kris?” I asked one night while Rose and I were sitting on the couch.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean like are you two dating?”

“We are dating, but its nothing official.”

“Yeah, I’m not into the whole being official thing.”

“You and Sidney aren’t official?” Rose asked surprised.

“No. I think he wants to be.”

“Why?”

“Just like the little comments he makes when we are laying in bed together or his texts or something like that.”

“Why don’t you just do it then?”

“He is in Sweden right now. How crazy is that?”

“That’s why you aren’t with him because he is in Sweden? He will be back in like a week.”

“Yeah, and then he will go somewhere else.”

“Kris and I are in the same situation.”

“I know. Its not the reason. Saying the words that he is my boyfriend just seems to make things so much more complicated. Its so good right now. Why mess with it?”

“I see what you are saying..but don’t you want to just know that no one else can have him.”

“No one else can have him. Its not like us being official makes me like him more or him more loyal to me.”

“Don’t you want all his fans to know he is taken?”

“Sidney will never go public. Sidney and I will be dating and whatnot but he won’t ever publicly say he has a girlfriend.”

“Why?”

“He shouldn’t have too. Its his life. If he wants too great, if he doesn’t. Whatever.”

“Doesn’t it bother you?”

“Not at all.”

“How can’t it bother you?”

“Am I the girl he calls before bed every night? Am I the girl he comes home too? Am I the girl he steals kisses with after games? All that is enough for me.”

“Grace I can tell when you talk about him how much you like him..”

“I know. Its scary. It scares me.”

“Why?”

“Cause it could all go away. You were dating someone for four years and out of nowhere he breaks up with you.. he was an ass but it still happened. Its scary as shit to put yourself out there.”

“You have to though. I’m scared. Kris and I both just got out of bad relationships and plus the whole thing with Luc.. Kris and I have a lot to work through.”

“No relationship is perfect.. that’s what I always think to myself.” I said.

“So how hard is it when they go away?”

“I mean Sidney and I weren’t really together much during the season.. but its hard. But usually the longest they are away is a week or so. This trip will be the longest.” I said.

“It sucks.” Rose said.

“Yes. Yes it does. But when he comes back it feels so good.” I said laughing.

“I know, I can’t wait to just put my arms around Kris.”

“I can think of something else I rather do than just put my arms around Sidney!” I said and we both laughed.

“Eww! I don’t want to hear that stuff.” Rose said.

“Yeah okay.. I’m sure you and Kris have enough fun.” I said.

“Stop!” Rose said giggling.

“Speak of the devil. Sidney is calling.” I said and picked up my phone.

“Hey babe.” I said picking up.

“Babe?” Rose said.

“Shut up!” I said and walked out of the room to my room.

“What time is it there?” I asked confused on why he was calling at the time. Then I looked at my clock and saw that it was almost 2 so it was morning in Sweden.

“I miss you.” He said.

“Sid, I miss you too.” I said laying on my bed.

“How is it there?” I asked.

“Its been good. Seems like we have forever until we play, though.” He said.

“Yeah. I wish you were here with me.” I said.

“Me too, babe.” He said.

We talked for awhile and then I fell asleep. It was weird feeling. I missed Sidney. I wanted to be with Sidney. I wanted to call him my boyfriend. I want to hold hands and walk to get coffee together, I want all those things. But somethings can’t happen when you are with Sidney Crosby. And I’m still figuring out how to deal with that.

“Liam..” I said walking into his bedroom early in the morning.

“Whats wrong?” He asked.

“I think something is wrong.” I whispered and went over to his bed.

“What do you mean?” He asked not really sure where I was going with this.

“I think its back.” I whispered.

“What? Why?”

“There was blood today.. like a lot of blood in the toilet.” I said.

“do you know the chances of you getting a different kind of cancer?” He asked.

“It could have just spread to my intestines that’s why there was blood.. doesn’t mean I have a different type.” I said.

“Grace..” He said and I just started to cry. He wrapped me up in his arms and his covers.

“I’m scared.” I said between tears.

“Everything is going to be fine. I promise.” He said.

“I don’t want to go to the doctor.”

“We have too.”

“I just have this knot in my stomach.”

“I’m going to be with you the whole time.. I’m not going to let anything happen.” He said.

“I just don’t know, Liam. I’m not ready to do this again.” I said.

“Lay here, I will go call the doctor.”

Hey babe.

Hey, Sid. How’s it going?

Good, I miss you.

I miss you too. So much.

Just a few more days.

I know..

Is something wrong?

I just miss you. I’ll call you later.

“Did you tell Sidney?” Liam asked when he came back in.

“No. Did you get an appointment?”

“Yeah.. later today. Why didn’t you tell Sidney?”

“He is in Sweden. He can’t do anything but worry. Its not necessary.”

“He could help you worry less.”

“It would be just for my benefit to tell him, not his. HE doesn’t need to know.. not right now. If something bad happens I will tell him. Right now its just speculation.”

“Grace, he loves you. He would want to know.”

“Liam. I wish Sidney was here. I wish that I could just cry and cry and cry and I wish Sidney could make this all go away. He isn’t. He is in Sweden and no matter how much you and Sidney try you can’t make this go away.” I said crying.

“I’m here, Grace. I love you and I’m not going anywhere.” He said holding me closer.

So we went to the doctors later that day. It was scary walking in there. I was scared. I had this pit in my stomach. It felt so familiar. I was so glad that Liam was there, but all I wanted was to hear Sidney’s voice.I wanted to tell him.. I needed to tell him, but he was in Sweden. There was nothing he could do except worry. I didn’t want to do that to him even if it would make me feel slightly better.

They drew blood. And I waited with Liam. Holding hands. Holding Liam’s hand and feeling my phone vibrate and see Sidney’s call and I couldn’t take it.

“Its not back.” The doctor said. Liam just squeezed my hand.

“Then why all the blood?”

“Stress maybe? Maybe its just a coincidence.. its not back. I can guarantee that.” The doctor said.

“Okay, well thanks.” Liam spoke for me. I couldn’t get the words out.

“Of course. You two take care of each other.” He said shaking Liam’s hand.

“We always do.” Liam said grabbing my hand and we walked out of the office.

“Are you okay?” Liam asked me when we got into the car.

“I’m fine.”

“Then why couldn’t you talk?”

“I just don’t want to talk.” I said.

“Okay.” He said and we drove in silence. Then we walked into the apartment in silence. I went into my bedroom and I was glad I never heard Maggie ever come. I just laid in bed in the dark. I don’t know why I was so sad. I should have been happy. I don’t have cancer. I don’t have it again. I kept repeating that to myself.

But for a few hours I thought I did.. and it brought me back there. It brought back the hurt and being scared.. and thinking about dying. It made me think about leaving Sidney behind. It made me think of leaving Liam. I kept seeing Sidney called or that he text. He is probably wondering what is up but I just didn’t want to have to talk about it or explain why I feel the way I do.

“Whats wrong?” Liam whispered in my ear. He came and put his arms around me in bed.

“I was just so scared.” I said turning to face him.

“Don’t you know that I would never let anything happen to you.” He said wiping away my tears.

thirty-nine

Sorry I have been nonexistent lately.. hopefully that will change from now on.. atleast one update a week.. maybe more..

“LIAM!” I said yelling as soon as we walk into the apartment.

“The bitch is back.” Maggie said.

“Breathe.” Sidney whispered in my ear.

“Liam, can I talk to you?” I asked trying to stay calm.

“I’m glad you came back.” Liam said.

“Of course I would come back, Liam.”

“Right.. because you two are soul mates. How dare I try and mess with fate?” Maggie said.

“Maggie.. I think you should just let them figure it out.” Sidney said.

“You are just okay with this all?” Maggie asked Sidney.

“Yeah? You just deal with it.” Sidney said.

“I’m leaving.” Maggie said.

“Don’t leave.” Liam said.

“You have to talk to Grace.”

“Yeah, I do have to talk to Grace but that doesn’t mean you have to leave.” Liam said.

“It actually does mean that. You can’t have us both, Liam.”Maggie said.

“That’s completely not fair. Grace is my best friend. MY BEST FRIEND! But that’s it.” Liam said.

“I am with Sidney now. I don’t want Liam. I don’t want to cause problems with you two.. I just want to co-exist with you.”I said to Maggie.

“Liam, just call me later.” Maggie said leaving the apartment.

“Do you want me to leave so you two can talk?” Sidney asked.

“No, babe. You can stay.” I said.

“I don’t get why you hate Maggie. I don’t get why you just walked out?” Liam said while we were all sitting on the couch.

“I didn’t walk out on you.” I said.

“Yeah, you did.”

“I walked out because of Maggie.”

“Why do you hate her?”

“She just isn’t right for you.” I said.

“if she isn’t.. who is?”

“I don’t know.. not her.”

“Grace, you have Sidney.. let me have Maggie.”

“Comparing Maggie and Sidney is comparing night and day.” I said looking at Sidney.

“I just want someone.”

“I understand that, Liam. I get it and I love you.. but Maggie?”

“Maggie isn’t the perfect person.”

“you don’t have to be with the perfect person.” I said.

“Then why isn’t Maggie okay?”

“I just.. I don’t know, Liam. I don’t know what you want me to say. Okay.. be with her.. but you can’t be in my house and let her walk all over me. You can’t let her call me a bitch. You can’t let her do what she does. She makes me feel like an outsider in my own house! Its not fair.”

“You want me to say that I won’t see Maggie.. but that’s not going to happen.”

“Fine.. “ I said getting up.

“Grace.”

“Its fine.. We are fine. I just want to lay in bed and watch a movie with Sidney.” I said.

Thirty-Eight.

“Whats wrong?” Sidney said.

“Liam is an asshole.” I said.

“What?”

“ He chooses Maggie over me all the time.”

“She is his girlfriend?”

“I am his best friend! It should be no contest!” I said getting visibly upset.

“Just tell me what happened.”

“Maggie acts like she is ruler of the world. She just walks into my house. She doesn’t even knock. I own the house! I don’t even like Maggie and I let her basically live there, but come on.. its my house!” I said.

“You are this upset because she walked into your house without knocking?”

“Then she says I hit on her boyfriend.” I said and he just looked at me.

“I don’t. If I wanted to be with Liam, I could have this summer. There have been so many opportunities where he said all I had to do is say the word.. but I didn’t.” I said and he gave me a look.

“Don’t look at me like that.” I said.

“I just don’t really like thinking about you and Liam.”

“I know. But there is no me and Liam. I am sick of Maggie constantly saying I am the one that wants him. I don’t want him. He doesn’t want me anymore. We aren’t together. We love eachother but we aren’t in love with eachother.” I said.

“I know that.”

“You are cordial with Liam. It can’t be easy, but you are. Can’t she be the same with me?”

“Its just hard sometimes to compete with what you two have.”

“No one needs to compete. Liam and I are choosing not to be together, that’s the way it is.” I said.

“Grace, I know this. I don’t care about you and Liam. I just don’t want you to be upset.”

“I don’t want him to date Maggie.”

“Why?”

“Because she is a bitch. She has always been a bitch.” I said.

“Grace..”

“I’m serious, Sidney. I don’t try and be mean to her, but she makes it impossible.” I said tearing up a little.

“Why are you crying?”

“Because it hurts. It hurts to fight with Liam. It hurts to have someone pick someone over you.”

“Liam would never pick Maggie over you.”

“He did.”

“Then why are you here and not talking to him?”

“Because I needed you. I need you.”

“Maybe he needs Maggie like you need me.”

“He can’t.”

“Why?”

“She is just not good for him.” I said.

“Grace, everyone isn’t going to be with their soul mate. You just got to let him pick.” He said.

“I know.” I said wiping my eyes.

“Babe, don’t cry. Its not worth it.” He said giving me that cute look of his.

“Thanks for meeting me.” I said.

“Of course.”

“I’m serious. I’m so sorry what happened with us. I don’t want it to be like that ever again. I want it to be like this.” I said.

“It will be.”

“Promise?”

“Do you really think I am going to let you slip away twice?” He asked.

“Stop it.” I said laughing.

“I’m serious. Not happening.” He said. I just smiled.

“Want to go watch a movie or something?” He asked.

“Yeah..”

“Should you go back to talk to Liam?”

“We can go back to the apartment, but I don’t know if he will be there.”

“I think we should.”

“What if I just freak out again when I see her?”

“You won’t.”

“I don’t know.. she just gets under my skin.” I said.

“You won’t.. I’ll be there for you.” He said and he grabbed my hand.

Thirty-Seven

“I like him a lot.” Rose said the next morning.

“That’s good.. he is a good guy.”

“So what happened last night?”

“Sidney came over”

“What happened there?”

“He walked me home and we talked.”

“And..”

“We are figuring things out.”

“Who is figuring things out?” Liam asked walking into the living room.

“Her and Sidney.”

“What?”

“We are just talking..”

“What does that even mean?” Liam asked me.

“I don’t know, Liam. I don’t know why it really matters or why either of you care so much.” I said getting up and walking into my room.

“What?” I said irritated when I heard someone knock on my door.

“Talk to me..” Liam said.

“What? I don’t get why it matter, Liam. I really don’t get it.”

“It doesn’t matter. I just want to know.”

“You are with Maggie..”

“Yeah, I am. It doesn’t mean I stopped loving you. It doesn’t mean I still don’t want to know whats going on in your life.”

“We can’t keep having this conversation.”

“What conversation?”

“The conversation of you loving me and me loving you. You are with Maggie. We aren’t together. That’s just how it is.” I said.

“I know. So what happened with Sidney?”

“We just talked.”

“And?”

“We decided to talk. We are figuring out what is going to happen.”

“Liam!” I heard Maggie yell.

“Seriously?! Seriously, she is just here right now? She seriously just walked into my house?” I asked. Then I saw Maggie walking down the hallway.

“Ever hear of knocking?” I asked.

“Ever think to not hit on someone elses boyfriend?”

“Really? You want to go there?” Rose said. Apparently she heard what was going down from her room.

“Yeah, do you, Maggie?” I asked.

“Obviously.” She said.

“Stop it, Grace.” Liam said.

“Me? Really? What about Maggie?! What about Maggie and her thinking like she lives here.”

“What about you wanting my boyfriend?”

“IF I FUCKING WANTED LIAM! I WOULD HAVE HIM!! I HAVE SOMEONE ELSE. I WANT SOMEONE ELSE. I DON’T WANT LIAM! OKAY, BITCH!” I screamed.

“If you wanted him, you def couldn’t get him?”

“Really? What Liam and I had.. you two will never have. He is the love of my life.”

“But yet you two aren’t together right now.”

“Yeah, we aren’t. That doesn’t change the past.”

“Seriously, Maggie.. just leave. Knock when you come to my house.”

“Liam lives here too.”

“Who owns the fucking house, Maggie? Oh right! My family does!” I said.

“You are a bitch.”

“No, no, no.. you are a bitch and I really don’t see what Liam sees in you. He deserves so much better.” I said.

“Okay, Grace.. we get it. We will leave.” Liam said.

“I don’t want you to leave.. I want her to leave.”

“The only reason you don’t like me is because Liam picked me over you.”

“The only reason I don’t like you is because you are a fucking bitch!” I said and slammed my door shut.

Can we meet? I need to see you.

“Whats wrong?” He said calling me.

“Just had a blow out with Maggie.”

“What did Liam do?”

“Nothing. I just don’t want to be here.”

“Come to Sewickley. I’ll meet you at the café.”

I’m sorry.

Don’t be sorry.

I just didn’t know what to do.

Its fine.. I’ll see you in a few minutes.

Liam kept calling me.

“Liam, stop calling me.”

“Where are you?”

“I’m meeting Sidney.”

“We need to talk.”

“You have Maggie. How dare I be mean to Maggie? I don’t give a shit anymore, Liam.”

“I don’t care about that.”

“I think maybe you should.”

“Just come back.”

“Right now, I want to talk to Sidney, not you.” I simply said and hung up.