Chapter Thirty.

James and I haven’t talked about the love thing since he brought it up that night. We are still going strong, but I don’t know what you would call us. Once school starts it will be even more difficult to see him. He has weird shifts and on the days he works til like 11, there is no way I can see him unless its only for an hour. I’m not letting myself worry about it because I figure everything will work out. Plus, I have like four days before classes start. I am just enjoying my last few days of summer with my friends.

“Rose!” I screamed when I heard her walk through the door to the apartment.

“Grace?” She said kind of scared.

“Sorry, I am just so excited you are back.” I said laughing.

“Awe, you missed me that much.” She said.

“Yeah, and maybe now Maggie and Liam will leave.” I said.

“Is she that awful?” She asked me when we got into her room.

“they are just annoying together. I think I may like her if she wasn’t dating Liam.” I said and Rose just looked at me.

“I’m not jealous of her!” I said.

“Then what was that statement suppose to mean?” She asked me.

“Its just they are always together. I never see Liam alone anymore.” I said.

“Well you have James.”

“Yeah, and he works all the time.” I said.

“Have you talked to Sidney lately?” She asked me.

“Not really. He should be come back in like two weeks.” I said.

“hows that going to be?”

“Should be interesting.”

“He knows about James though, right?”

“Yeah.”

“When am I going to meet James?” She asked me.

“Tonight. He only works til 7 so then he is coming here.” I said.

“So you really like him?” She asked me.

“Yeah.”

“What?” She asked me.

“Nothing, he is a good guy.”

“But..”

“But, I don’t know.”

We talked about stupid stuff for the rest of the night until James came around. James and Rose really hit it off. It was nice to have Rose finally meet him. All three of us hung out for a few hours talking and watching tv, then Rose went into her room. James just stayed the night but had work the next day. So he left early in the morning. He was making me dinner at his place later that night. I was kind of scared of what that meant. Usually he does things like that when he has something to tell me.

“Hey.” Rose said when she woke up that morning.

“Hey, girl.”

“So, James is cuter than I thought he would be.”

“He is cute.”

“And nice.”

“Yeah, he is nice.” I said.

“Grace, he seems like a good guy. You two seem good together.” She said.

“Better than me and Sidney?” I asked.

“Different.”

“I know.”

“You still think about him much?”

“Its bad, Rose. I have this great guy in front of me but I can’t help but think of Sidney. And James doesn’t deserve that and Sidney doesn’t deserve me thinking about him. I mean he did cheat on me.”

“People make mistakes.”

“Yeah, and history has a tendency of repeating itself.” I said.

“I’m scared of what it will be like..” I said.

“When?” Rose said confused.

“I’m scared of not being with Sidney.”

“Then be with him.”

“I’m scared of being with him too.”

“What? You aren’t making sense.” She said.

“I’m scared of not being with him and seeing him. I’m scared of what it will be like to see him in the city. I’m scared of not knowing what he is doing and who he is. I don’t know how my heart can take it.”

“It seems like an easy solution, be with Sidney.” She said.

“I’m scared of that too. What if he breaks my heart? What if he finds someone better? What if he cheats on me? What if I’m not enough.” I said.

“I don’t think you should just not be with Sidney because you are afraid to get hurt.”

“Yeah, I agree. But I also don’t think I should be with someone just because I don’t want them to be with someone else. And plus, what about James?”

“I don’t really know what to tell you, Grace. What does Liam say?”

“Liam just wants me to be happy. Did I tell you how Sidney told me Liam really did want to be with me again?”

“I kind of already knew that.” She said.

“I think James feels threatened by Liam.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think it bothers him that Liam and I are so close and that we live together.” I said.

“Didn’t it bother Sidney too?”

“It did until he knew the whole situation.”

“and James knows about the cancer and everything?”

“Yeah, James knows everything.”

“What about your parents?”

“They don’t know I’m seeing someone.”

“How are they going to react?”

“I don’t care. They already made me lose one boy.” I said.

“So you will betray your parents for James but not Sidney?”

“That’s what Sidney said too. I’m not picking James over Sidney.”

“You are though. I mean you have.” She said.

“Its not black and white.”

“It never is with you.”

End of Summer.

Hey all! I move back to school tomorrow which means the updates will be less. My goal is to update once a week. Sometimes I may be able to do more, sometimes I may not be able to at all, it just depends. Just know that I am definitely going to continue to write and the story will continue. Please stick with the story and read and comment. Thanks so much for being loyal readers!

Twenty-Nine.

“Hey stranger.” I said when Liam walked into the apartment the next night.

“Hey, Grace.” He said.

“Guess what happened last night.” I said to him when he sat down on the couch.

“I don’t want to hear about your sex life.” He said.

“Eww! GROSS!!” I said.

“Okay, fine.. what happened?”

“The L word was dropped.”

“By who?” He asked.

“You know better than to ask that question.”

“Right, you hate that word.”

“I said it to you.”

“Yeah, after I said it first.”

“True.”

“So what did you say when he said it?” He asked.

“I just kissed him.”

“So you don’t love him?”

“I don’t know if I love him.”

“How don’t you know?”

“Its been like a month or something like that. I would think about love after like 6 months. I didn’t even tell Sidney I loved him.”

“Ahh Sidney. It always comes back to Sidney.”

“It does not. I’m just saying. How can anyone possibly know if they love someone within one month?”

“I don’t know. Maybe he just knows.”

“Well, it freaked me out a bit.” I said.

“So what are you going to do?” He asked me.

“Avoid it. Pretend it didn’t happen.” I said.

“Oh that’s mature.”

“I’m 19, what do you expect?”

“He is 28.”

“yeah, he is. I haven’t forgotten that.”

“Does it bother you?”

“If it bothered me, I wouldn’t be dating him.” I said.

“It does bother you, I can tell.”

“I just didn’t think it would be just a factor.” I said.

“What do you mean?”

“Its just I knew he was older. I knew there would be a gap there. But, I didn’t expect it to be like this. I like him a lot, but it kind of just feels like it’s a dead end relationship.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“he is 28. He is going to be thinking about marriage soon. Maybe not tomorrow or next year but within a few years. I’m 19. I have 7 more years of school left. Marriage isn’t even on my radar.” I said.

“Maybe that won’t matter.”

“Yeah, maybe it will though.” I said. Then Rose called me.

“Hey.” She said through tears it sounded like.

“Whats wrong?”

“We broke up.”

“You and Simon?!” I asked a little shocked.

“yeah.” She said. I could tell she was still crying.

“Hey, Liam. I’ll talk to you later. Rose and Simon broke up.” I whispered to him and left for my room.

“So tell me what happened.” I said when I got into my room.

“He just broke up with me.”

“What?! That doesn’t make sense. You guys have been together forever.”

“he said that with him going to Indiana and me being in Pittsburgh he thought it would be too hard.”

“And he just thought this?” I asked.

“I don’t know, Grace. All I know is that he broke up with me.”

“He just said I don’t want to be together?” I asked still confused.

“He said he loved me. He said he didn’t want to do it, but he thought it would be the only fair thing to do. He says he loves me more than anyone in world.”

“Well why the fuck did he break up with you then!?”

“I don’t know, Grace.”

“I’m sorry, hun.”

“It just sucks. I think I am going to come back to Pitt early.”

“Come whenever you want. Of course we want you here.”

“you don’t have to say that.”

“You are my best friend. Of course I want you here. We will find you a good man.”

“Maybe James has some friends.”

“Well, yes, he does have friends. But..”

“What?”

“Dating an older guy isn’t all its cracked up to be.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean he has a job. I don’t see him til like 11 usually.”

“that does suck. Do you think you will stay with him during the year?”

“I don’t know. It might be fun to be single together.” I said.

“You won’t be single for long if you and James break up.”

“I bet you find a boy before I do” I said.

“You already have two.” She said.

“I don’t have Sidney.” I said.

“You could if you wanted him.” She said.

“I don’t know. Sidney has some good friends.” I said smiling.

“Well there we go. I’ll just get your ex boyfriend to play matchmaker.”

“Who cares who he is to me. Liam is friends with all of them.”

“Oh so your other ex could be it too?”

“Shut up! Liam is your friend!”

“Yeah, we will see. I’m going to have my parents bring me back in like two days.”

“Okay.. call me or anything.”

“Don’t worry. Spend time with that gorgeous doctor of yours.”

“He isn’t as gorgeous in person.” I said remembering Rose has only seen pictures of James.

“I’m sure he is. Don’t worry about me.”

“I love you, Rose. Simon is stupid.” I said.

“Yeah, oh well. Nothing I can do about it.”

“That’s right.” I said. We talked a little longer and then we hung up.

I couldn’t believe that Rose and Simon broke up. They were together for like four years. They were so strong. Rose never thought about another guy. Simon was completely head over heels for her. Rose loved him just as much. All I kept thinking is if they couldn’t make it work, what does that say for the rest of us?

“If Simon and Rose couldn’t stay together.. there is no hope for anyone else.” I said to Liam while Mollie, Mark, and James were sitting in the living room.

“Mol said the same thing when you and Liam broke up.” Mark said.

“Liam and I were far from the perfect couple.” I said noticing it was making James uncomfortable.

“You two were pretty perfect. People still talk about you two.” Mollie said.

“well they shouldn’t.” I said.

“She is right. We were nothing special.” Liam said. That statement kind of hurt. Actually, it really hurt. Liam and I were special. We overcame cancer and fell inlove in the process. We may not have worked right then, but who is to say we won’t work again. He is still my best friend. He is still my soul mate. If that’s not something special, I don’t know what is.

Twenty-Eight

August.

James and I have been really good lately. He is really busy but so am I. When I am volunteering we steal moments together and he still helps me with my classes. Everyday I learn more things about him and everyday I like him more. He is just a sweet boy from Tennessee. His parents literally live on a farm, its like the cutest thing ever. Sidney and I don’t talk much. We still do talk occasionally. Its kind of at the point where we could talk to eachother, but we don’t. Its not like either of us are avoiding eachother and every once and a while he’ll send me a text or I’ll send him one. Its usually like a few days we talk a lot and then we could go a week or more without talking. I miss him somedays more than others. Some days I see people walking on the street, like a couple, and it will just make me think of him. It makes me think of the dates we had and the dates we wouldn’t get the chance of having. I would see certain things that made me think of him, but I tried to forget about it. Sidney and I were over. It had to be that way. And it was easier with him thousands of miles away in Canada. However, it will become more and more difficult in the next month when he is here. When the chance of running into him on the corner or a store or a restaurant is likely. I don’t know what the future holds for me and Sidney. I do know the future of me and James probably isn’t long term. It probably wouldn’t work. In a year he is done with his pediatric rotation. Who knows where he will end up, likely he wouldn’t stay in Pittsburgh. And Lord knows I will not be following any boy anywhere.

“Hey baby.” I said when James came home the one night. I stayed at James’ house every once in awhile. Maggie and Liam were always there giggling. It was annoying. James said I could stay at his place anytime I wanted. I would study there, but usually I wouldn’t be there much without him.

“Hey.” He simply said and sat down. I could tell that something was wrong, because after his shift he always kisses me. Its like that’s what he has been thinking about all shift.

“Whats wrong?” I said scooting over closer to him.

“Bad day.”

“What happened?” I asked. Usually James doesn’t bring work home with him. Sometimes he does say if a kid got discharged or if he saw something really unusual.

“Billy passed away today.”

“Billy Thomas?” I asked. I knew Cory Thomas. He was two years older than me and Liam. He had bone cancer. He was only there with us for a few months. He was cancer free last time I saw him. Billy got diagnosed with brain cancer last year. He looked like he would survive, but I guess not.

“Yeah.” He simply said. Billy was really close to James. James always forms bonds with patients. Its kind of one of the positives and negatives of his qualities of a doctor.

“Oh, babe. I’m really really sorry. “ I said putting my hand on his back. I didn’t know what to say.

“He didn’t deserve to die.” He said.

“He didn’t deserve to die. He didn’t deserve to get cancer. No one does, but he did James. He got it and it wasn’t meant for him to beat it. You have to believe that someone has a greater plan. You have to believe that there was a reason for him to die.”

“I’m not like you. I will never be able to say that a child dying was suppose to happen.” He said.

“I’m not saying its right. I’m not saying it doesn’t suck or hurt. All I am saying is that you have to believe that God has a plan for everyone. If you don’t, how do you expect to be able to get through patients dying?” I asked.

“I don’t know.” He said and his eyes started to water.

“James, I am here for you. Cry with me, I’ll hold you. I’ll let you cry. Its okay to think it sucks but everything will be fine. You have to believe that.” I said holding him close.

“I love you.”He said. When I heard that I just paused. I didn’t say anything. Did I love James? I cared for him, I knew that. I knew that he was a great guy. I don’t think the word great is even the right word. He is a guy that anyone would love to be with. He is a gentleman. He opens doors for me. He pays for everything. He is always on time and always calls when he is suppose too. We hardly ever fight. And when we do, it is so stupid. He sends me flowers. I never question how he feels about me. Anyone would be lucky to have him love them. I just wasn’t hundred percent sure if he was the right guy for me. He was nine years older than me. He would want to start a family before I even thought about getting married. He is ready to settle down, and I have just started my life. Some times I feel like we are just in two very different points in our lives. But then, I think about how I feel when he looks at me. I think about how he makes me feel in general. It may not be love, but it definitely is something. But what do you say to someone when they tell you they love you and you aren’t sure if you love them back? Well, I’m not really sure what other people say, but I kind of just didn’t say anything. I kissed him instead.

Twenty-Seven

“Hey.” I called Sidney later that night while I was waiting for James.

“I didn’t think you would call.” He said.

“I said I wanted to talk.”

“Yeah before you found out about the Bahamas.”

“It hurts.. is that what you want me to say? That it hurts to know that I wasn’t enough. It hurts to think about you with another girl. It hurts to tell you about James. Is that what you want to hear me say? Yeah, Sidney. I liked you a lot. Somewhere along the way it got screwed up. Mostly because of me but partly because of you. Life is messy and I know that but it doesn’t change the fact that it still hurts.” I said.

“I don’t want to hurt you. Sleeping with that girl was a mistake. I made a mistake.”

“That was a mistake but not telling me about it after it happened.. that was a lie.” I said.

“So you aren’t mad because I slept with someone else, you are mad because I didn’t tell you about it?”

“I’m hurt because you felt like you had to sleep with someone else. I’m mad because you didn’t tell me. Sidney, everyone makes mistakes. I’m not expecting you to be a perfect and I hope you don’t expect me to ever be perfect, but owning up to the mistakes is the right thing to do. I miss you, Sidney. I really really do, but it hurts to know that just the mere act of talking to me or being with me wasn’t enough for you.” I said.

“It is enough. It was enough.”

“Obviously, it wasn’t.” I said.

“Yes, It is. I made a mistake, Grace. Okay, I made one mistake and I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry. It just means that if there was no James or there wasn’t the fight with the parents, we still wouldn’t be together.”

“because I slept with someone else?”

“Yeah.”

“But you are with James.”

“You slept with someone when we were together! Me and you were long broken up before I even started to think about James.”

“You should know that your parents were wrong. I understand their concern. I even understand where they are coming from. I may not be there for every doctors appointment. I may not be there everyday to tell you I love you, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be there. Sick or not sick, I would and still want to be there for you. I know that my job makes me gone a lot and it makes you wonder my faithfulness but I would be devoted to you. And if push came to shove and you really needed me by your bed side right this second, I would be there. No questions asked.”

“Sidney, I never doubted that you would want to be there. I don’t doubt that you liked me. I don’t doubt that we could have worked, but they are my parents. Yeah, I should have stood up to them, but I didn’t.”

“I could have loved you.”

“Me too, Sidney. Things happen for a reason.”

“Grace, I miss you.”

“Sidney, I don’t doubt that you miss me. I don’t doubt that you liked me. But you couldn’t have liked me that much to sleep with someone else. I couldn’t have meant that much.”

“You did. You do, Grace.”

“I don’t know. I want you in my life, but just as friends. I have James now.”

“You have James?”

“Yes. It wasn’t planned. Okay, it just happened. I’m sorry, Sidney. Its just not meant for me and you right now.”

“I don’t think I can just be friends with you.”

“Well then we can’t be anything. I want to be friends.”

“I know, I want you in my life.”

“Sidney, listen. This is the honest truth. I could have loved you. I could have seen myself really falling for you. And I like you, but I don’t really know you that well. I wish I did. I wish that I could have stood up to my parents and I wish things were different. But I don’t wish that I never met James. He is a good guy and he deserves to be given a chance. We took our chance and it just didn’t work.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Its not your fault. People make mistakes. I get it, but I can’t just forget about the Bahamas girl. I don’t even know what happened. I guess I don’t deserve to know.” I said.

“You want to know? I got really drunk one night and there was as girl. We slept together, she meant nothing. I wish I didn’t do it, but I was drunk. I haven’t even spoken to her since I left the Bahamas.”

“Being drunk doesn’t give you an excuse for being stupid. And I’m sad that she meant nothing. I kind of wish she would have meant something, because shes a reason we aren’t together.”

“I’m sorry, Grace. I really really am.”

“You don’t have to keep saying sorry. I get that you are sorry. I get that you made a mistake and I get that you regret it. But it happened. And its fine. I want you to be happy.”

“I was happy with you.”

“Sidney, please.”

“I know. I should have known. If it wasn’t James it would have been Liam. You are too good of a catch to not have someone. You are the kind of girl mom’s want their son to bring home.”

“I don’t know about that.” I said smiling a little.

“Liam was right.”

“About what?”

“That you are an amazing girl.”

“You should know that Liam didn’t bring home that girl that night. Well he did, but it wasn’t like what you think.” He said.

“What are you talking about?”

“Liam didn’t bring that girl home. He wasn’t playing you or something like that. He loves you. Or he did love you again. He realized he made a mistake when he slept with that girl. He realized what I realize now that you are as good as it gets.”

“I don’t get what you are saying.” I said really confused.

“Liam and I talked one night.”

“What did he say?”

“That he loves you. He loves you probably more than anyone would ever love you. He would do anything for you and if I hurt you he would come after me. He basically just told me that you are one of a kind.”

“I’m not anything special.”

“Yes you are.” He said.

“I don’t really get why you can forgive Liam and his mistake with Morgan, but not with me.”

“You aren’t Liam. Don’t compare you and Liam. Because what me and Liam are is nothing like what me and you are. Liam and I have history.”

“Yeah, we could have too.”

“Yeah, we could have. But I don’t know you that well. Summer was suppose to be that for us. But things change, Sidney. Things happen that we don’t foresee happening. I forgave Liam but it doesn’t mean I forget the feeling of walking in and seeing it. I love Liam and I will always love Liam, but what he did was wrong and he suffered for it. What you did was wrong as well. And I forgave you, I’m just not jumping back into bed with you.” I said.

“I know I’m not Liam. But I don’t get what James has.”

“you are in Canada, Sidney.”

“So its about proximity.”

“No, it’s about timing.” I simply said.

“Sidney, I really am sorry about my parents. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you about James. I’m sorry that things worked out this way. I didn’t picture the summer turning out this way.”

“Me either. I did miss you.”

“Me too, Sid. I don’t know how we got here, but I just got to keep going. I don’t know what the future holds for me and you. I just hope I’m still in your life ten years from now.” I said.

“You will be.”

“Hey, I got to go. James should be getting off work soon.” I said.

“Okay.” He simply said.

“Sidney, thanks for telling me about sleeping with that girl. I don’t think less of you or anything like that. I know you think that I hold people to this standard that people can’t live up too. I hold you to a standard that I know you can achieve. I just know how good of a person you are and that’s what I miss you. That’s why I wanted you in my life. I see your potential. I see your heart. That’s what made me like you. Not your status or your name or even your good looks. Just know that you have a good heart.” I said.

“You see me in a better light than anyone else. I don’t deserve it.”

“You do. I’ll talk to you later.” I said and hung up the phone.

“I love you, Liam.” I said walking into his room.

“What?”

“I just think sometimes we take for granted eachother. I love you and you are one of the best parts of my life.” I said laying on his bed.

“Right back at you, Grace.” He said smiling.

“Isn’t James coming over?” He asked.

“Yeah, I should go.” I said leaving the room.

I can’t believe what Sidney told me. Liam really did love me? Liam really wanted to get back with me? I never thought he was serious. Liam has Maggie and I have James. But there is something with Liam and I. I don’t think I could ever love anyone as much as I love Liam. Just because Liam is my best friend and soul mate. He was my first everything. I just don’t know about so many things. James is a great guy and he does deserve for me to give this a shot. But Sidney is a great guy as well. He is a good person and I could have loved him. I could have and maybe I did, but..

“Hey, babe.” James said walking into the apartment and giving me a kiss.

Twenty-Six

I walked into my room and braced myself for what was to happen next. I knew Sidney knew about James. I knew he knew that I was dating someone that wasn’t him. I know he would be mad and knowing I made him mad kind of hurts my heart. Actually, just hearing his voice is probably going to pull at my heart strings.

“Hi.” I said calling him.

“I didn’t think you call.”

“Of course I would call.” I said and then there was just silence.

“ I have thought about calling you for so long, but.”

“But, you started dating someone else.”

“Marc-Andre told you.” I said.

“Who is he?”

“His name is James. He is a doctor at the children’s hospital. He is friends with Mollie. We just talked and he helped me with some of my classes.”

“Then you started dating.”

“I guess.”

“How old is he?”

“Sidney, it doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter. You broke up with me. You broke up with me and then you start dating someone else who your parents probably wouldn’t approve of.”

“They don’t know.”

“I get it. You will betray your parents for him and not for me. It makes sense now.” He said.

“Sidney, its not like that.” I said.

“It appears like it to me.” He said.

“Sidney, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I miss you.”

“You can’t miss me while you are sleeping with someone else.”

“But I do.”

“Why are you with him?”

“He understands me.”

“And I don’t.”

“Its like he can appreciate everything I want and am doing. He thinks things I do aren’t ordinary. He thinks that the way I feel and think and want to change the world is extraordinary. He just gets it. He gets me.” I said.

“And I don’t.”

“I’m not saying that.”

“Yeah, you are. You are exactly saying that.” He said.

“And its not fair. I know how extraordinary you are. I told you that all the time. Its not fair just to say that he can relate to you on the medical level that he thinks you are more extraordinary than I do. I probably think you are even more so because to me aspiring to be a doctor is extraordinary enough.” He said.

“Sidney, James isn’t better than you. I’m not saying that. You two are very different. I can’t tell you why I am dating him right now, but I am. And I’m sorry and if I was stronger than we would be together but I’m not. I’m only 19, Sidney. I’m still trying to figure everything out.”

“Okay, but can’t we atleast talk.”

“Yeah, I would like that.” I said.

“I have missed you.”

“I know, Sid. I’m sorry I have been ignoring you. I’m sorry that MAF had to tell you about James.. I should have been the one.”

“You shouldn’t have too. You are free to date someone. I slept with someone in the Bahamas.” He said.

“I figured as much.” I said.

“I got to go.” I said. I knew he had slept with someone. I was silly to think that he could wait for me. It was silly for me to think that and I shouldn’t care. I am the one that told him to sleep with whomever he wishes.

Don’t be mad at me.

I’m not.

Yes you are. You hung up as soon as I said that.

Because even thought I figured you have slept with someone, I didn’t think you would have while we were still talking.

I’m sorry.

Its fine. I’m not mad. Its just weird, if you slept with someone while we were talking, I don’t want to think about what you are doing now.

Don’t do that. You are with James.

Yeah but James isn’t just a random hookup. You probably have a new girl every night.

You don’t get to care. You gave up that right when you broke up with me.

Oh yeah, because you sleeping with someone in the Bahamas really was the right thing to do.

I’m sorry, I told you that already.

I know, okay. Its fine. I have to go to class. I’ll ttyl.

“Sidney slept with someone in the Bahamas.” I said walking into Liam’s room.

“What?”

“He slept with someone on the vacation.”

“And you are mad about this?”

“Yeah.”

“You shouldn’t be.”

“Why?”

“Because you broke up with him and you are sleeping with James.”

“Forget about James! What about him sleeping with someone when we were still together!” I said.

“Just let it go.” He said.

Twenty-Five

The past week or so, James has been spending a lot of time on the floor I frequent. He and I just talk about stupid stuff. We talk about things that just come up. He helps me with Calculus or Physics if I don’t understand. Its kind of nice, but I can’t help but miss Sidney. Its been about two weeks since I have talked to him. I missed him more than I thought I would. I wonder from time to time what he is doing, where is at, who is he with, and what he is thinking. I know I don’t deserve to miss him. I don’t deserve to think about him, but I do. I know I messed up. I know that I shouldn’t have listened to my parents, but what is done is done. There is nothing I can do anymore. I was thinking about Sidney one night when James walked into the room and interrupted my thoughts.

“Hey.” I said when I heard him walk into the room.

“Whats up?” He asked.

“Nothing different than when you text me the same question about two hours ago. “ I said looking at him.

“When are you going to let me take you out?” He asked sitting down beside me.

“Stop it.” I said.

“I’m serious.” He said.

“You are 28 and I’m 19.” I said.

“I don’t care. I like you. I want to take you out.” He said.

“You may not care that you are that much older than me, but other people do.”

“No they don’t. Can I just take you out?”

“You are a doctor, I don’t think you have time to date.” I said.

“I somehow find time to come up here and talk to you and help you with your homework.. I think I have time to take you to dinner.” He said. I just gave him a look.

“Why won’t you let me take you out?”

“I told you. The boy that I use to date, my parents forbid me. Its only been like two weeks.” I said.

“I just want to take you to dinner.”

“Just dinner.” I said.

“Just dinner.” He repeated.

Just dinner led to another dinner. And that dinner led to another. And then it led to a movie. And then came scrabble. Then came coffee and studying til morning. And we would talk about life. We would talk about everything. He was great. James was what I needed. Its been about two weeks and no thinking of Sidney. Until, I saw Marc-Andre. James has a house in the same neighborhood. Actually he lives kind of across the street. The one morning, James and I left his house at the same time and Marc-Andre just happened to be walking out of his house too. I tried not to make eye contact. I tried not to let James notice, but that didn’t work either.

“You know Marc-Andre?” He asked me when we got into his car.

“Kind of.”

“Kind of?”

“That boy I was forbidden to see.. kind of was one of his teammates.” I said.

“Let me guess.”

“You aren’t going to guess.” I said.

“Just tell me.”

“Why?”

“Because if my girlfriend use to date a hockey player, I should probably know.”

“First, I’m not your girlfriend.”

“Then what do you call what we are doing?”

“Dating. We are dating. We are having fun. I like you, but its only been like two weeks.” I said.

“Fine. It was Sidney Crosby.” He said.

“Yeah, it was. I don’t talk to him anymore, so who cares.” I simply said and rolled down the window.

“Why did your parents hate him?”

“Because of the life he leads. They thought if I relied on him and started to love him and then got sick again, I would be devastated because he couldn’t be there for me.”

“You won’t get sick.” He said.

“I know that and you know that.” I said. James knew I had cancer from the get go. I think Mollie let it slip one time. I was kind of relieved. I didn’t want to have to explain everything. It was kind of nice that he just knew. I must have gave a look because he changed the subject.

“So I get off around 11 tonight. Are you volunteering or do you want me to come to your apartment after?” He asked.

“I have to study, so just come after.” I said. This was the routine. We would be together any moment we could be. I liked James. I really did like James, but seeing Marc just made everything real again. Me liking James isn’t just me liking James, it affects Sidney too.

“Hey.” Liam said when I walked in to the apartment.

“How’s James?” He asked me. For some reason, Liam liked James. They got along right away. Liam started seeing this girl named Maggie. She was really nice too. I think this was the first time that we could both talk to eachother about the opposite sex. We were happy for eachother, it was nice. Liam liked James, but he also liked Sidney.

“Fine. I saw Marc-Andre.” I said.

“Where?”

“Ironically, James and Marc-Andre live in the same development.” I said.

“Why is he even in Pittsburgh?” He asked.

“I have no idea. But he saw us leaving James’ house.”

“I know you don’t want to hear this.. but.”

“Say it, Liam.”

“I like James, I do. I just don’t see how you dating a 28 year old is going to sit with your parents any better than Sidney.” He said.

“Maybe I don’t care what my parents think.” I said.

“So you are going to betray your parents for James but not for Sidney.”

“Its not like that.” I said.

“It kind of is.”

“Me having feelings for James doesn’t change the way I feel for Sidney.”

“It has too, Grace.”

“Why?”

“Because you can’t love both guys. You can’t be sleeping with James but thinking about Sidney.”

“When I am sleeping with James I’m not thinking about Sidney.”

“Fine”

“I don’t get your point.”

“My point is, James can’t replace Sidney.”

“James isn’t Sidney, therefore he can’t replace him.”

“I know that, but I don’t think you do.”

“What do you want me to say?” I asked.

“I just don’t think its fair for you to be doing this.”

“Well I don’t think its fair that my parents won’t let me date Sidney.”

“Stand up to them then! If you want to date Sidney, go for it. If you want to date James, go for it. But you can’t let Sidney think that the only reason you aren’t together is because of your parents, because that’s not true anymore.” He said.

“If it wasn’t for my parents, I would be with Sidney.” I said.

“Then maybe you shouldn’t be with James.” He said and walked into his room.

Liam was right, I guess. I don’t know. I guess that’s the bottom line, I like Sidney a lot. I miss Sidney a lot. But I like being with James too. They both seem to fit. They both seem to be people I could love. One thing was for sure, I couldn’t keep running from Sidney especially because I got a text from him when I was talking to Liam.

We need to talk.