Twenty-Eight

August.

James and I have been really good lately. He is really busy but so am I. When I am volunteering we steal moments together and he still helps me with my classes. Everyday I learn more things about him and everyday I like him more. He is just a sweet boy from Tennessee. His parents literally live on a farm, its like the cutest thing ever. Sidney and I don’t talk much. We still do talk occasionally. Its kind of at the point where we could talk to eachother, but we don’t. Its not like either of us are avoiding eachother and every once and a while he’ll send me a text or I’ll send him one. Its usually like a few days we talk a lot and then we could go a week or more without talking. I miss him somedays more than others. Some days I see people walking on the street, like a couple, and it will just make me think of him. It makes me think of the dates we had and the dates we wouldn’t get the chance of having. I would see certain things that made me think of him, but I tried to forget about it. Sidney and I were over. It had to be that way. And it was easier with him thousands of miles away in Canada. However, it will become more and more difficult in the next month when he is here. When the chance of running into him on the corner or a store or a restaurant is likely. I don’t know what the future holds for me and Sidney. I do know the future of me and James probably isn’t long term. It probably wouldn’t work. In a year he is done with his pediatric rotation. Who knows where he will end up, likely he wouldn’t stay in Pittsburgh. And Lord knows I will not be following any boy anywhere.

“Hey baby.” I said when James came home the one night. I stayed at James’ house every once in awhile. Maggie and Liam were always there giggling. It was annoying. James said I could stay at his place anytime I wanted. I would study there, but usually I wouldn’t be there much without him.

“Hey.” He simply said and sat down. I could tell that something was wrong, because after his shift he always kisses me. Its like that’s what he has been thinking about all shift.

“Whats wrong?” I said scooting over closer to him.

“Bad day.”

“What happened?” I asked. Usually James doesn’t bring work home with him. Sometimes he does say if a kid got discharged or if he saw something really unusual.

“Billy passed away today.”

“Billy Thomas?” I asked. I knew Cory Thomas. He was two years older than me and Liam. He had bone cancer. He was only there with us for a few months. He was cancer free last time I saw him. Billy got diagnosed with brain cancer last year. He looked like he would survive, but I guess not.

“Yeah.” He simply said. Billy was really close to James. James always forms bonds with patients. Its kind of one of the positives and negatives of his qualities of a doctor.

“Oh, babe. I’m really really sorry. “ I said putting my hand on his back. I didn’t know what to say.

“He didn’t deserve to die.” He said.

“He didn’t deserve to die. He didn’t deserve to get cancer. No one does, but he did James. He got it and it wasn’t meant for him to beat it. You have to believe that someone has a greater plan. You have to believe that there was a reason for him to die.”

“I’m not like you. I will never be able to say that a child dying was suppose to happen.” He said.

“I’m not saying its right. I’m not saying it doesn’t suck or hurt. All I am saying is that you have to believe that God has a plan for everyone. If you don’t, how do you expect to be able to get through patients dying?” I asked.

“I don’t know.” He said and his eyes started to water.

“James, I am here for you. Cry with me, I’ll hold you. I’ll let you cry. Its okay to think it sucks but everything will be fine. You have to believe that.” I said holding him close.

“I love you.”He said. When I heard that I just paused. I didn’t say anything. Did I love James? I cared for him, I knew that. I knew that he was a great guy. I don’t think the word great is even the right word. He is a guy that anyone would love to be with. He is a gentleman. He opens doors for me. He pays for everything. He is always on time and always calls when he is suppose too. We hardly ever fight. And when we do, it is so stupid. He sends me flowers. I never question how he feels about me. Anyone would be lucky to have him love them. I just wasn’t hundred percent sure if he was the right guy for me. He was nine years older than me. He would want to start a family before I even thought about getting married. He is ready to settle down, and I have just started my life. Some times I feel like we are just in two very different points in our lives. But then, I think about how I feel when he looks at me. I think about how he makes me feel in general. It may not be love, but it definitely is something. But what do you say to someone when they tell you they love you and you aren’t sure if you love them back? Well, I’m not really sure what other people say, but I kind of just didn’t say anything. I kissed him instead.