Eighteen.

“Shouldn’t you be with Sidney right now?” Liam asked me when I walked through the door.

“I’m pretty sure he isn’t even thinking about me right now. And I’m pretty sure I can’t help him through this.” I said.

“So you just left? He just lost the Stanley Cup and you left?!” He asked me.

“Yeah. What was I suppose to do? Go down to the lockerroom where his parents are? Go down there and act like I know whats going on and the right words to say? No, he doesn’t need me.” I said.

“It doesn’t matter what you say, you just should be there.” Liam said.

“Well it doesn’t really matter because I’m not there.” I simply said and walked into my bedroom.

I knew in the perfect world, I would be the one to help Sidney get through this. I knew that in a perfect world, I would know what to say and when that buzzer sounded I would be the first person he would want to see. In a perfect world, so many things would be different. But, we don’t live in a perfect world. When the buzzer sounded I am sure I am probably not even in the top 10 of people he wanted to see. I don’t know what to say to him to make him feel better. And I am not the person to help him get through this situation. I know this but as I am laying in my bed thinking of him, it doesn’t make it hurt any less. It doesn’t make it hurt less knowing he is hurting, or knowing what I have to do when I see him next.

“Hello.” I said answering my phone early the next morning.

“Hey, what are you doing?” He asked.

“Just laying in bed.” I said.

“Could I come over?” He asked.

“Sure.” I simply said.

I wasn’t sure if now would be the right time to say what I knew I had to say.

“Grace?” I heard him say when he walked into the apartment.

“Yeah, Sidney. I’m in my bedroom.” I said.

“How are you?” I asked as soon as he emerged in my room.

“Can I get in with you?”He asked and I pulled the covers back so he could get into the bed with me.

“Are you okay?” I said looking up at him after we were snuggled together.

“Yeah, I just want to lay here awhile.” He said.

“I think we should talk about what happens now.” I said when we were sitting on the couch a little later.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that you are going to leave in like two days.” I said.

“Okay. Grace, I know you have something you want to say.. so just say it.” He said.

“ I want to be that person for you, I just don’t think I am yet. Like when you lost, I wish I could have been that person you wanted to see after the game, I wish I was that person that could make you feel better..but I’m not. I want to be and I hope I will be at some point. But right now, I’m not.”

“It just takes time, Grace.” He said.

“We don’t have time, Sidney. You are leaving for three months.” I said and he just looked at me not fully understanding where I was going with this.

“And I will say that I will wait for you because I would, but you shouldn’t have to wait for me.” I said.

“So what are you saying?” He asked.

“I’m saying that I like you and I want to talk to you this summer. But, I don’t want you to feel like you owe me anything. I don’t want you to think you need to call me everyday and I don’t want to wait for you to call everyday. I don’t want that to be the highlight of my day. I just want to see what happens. Do I hope that when you come back to Pittsburgh we will be best friends and can have a strong relationship? Definitely. Do I hope that by then I could be that person for you? Oh I wish for nothing more. But, I just don’t want to hold you back. I want you to be free to do whatever you want.”

“You are what I want.” He said.

“Now, I am. And its not that I don’t trust you, because I do. Its not that I don’t want to be with you, because I do. But, you are free for three months. Free from the demands of hockey and you are at home. You shouldn’t have to worry about me, you should do whatever you want. Don’t worry about me.” I said.

“You keep saying you don’t want me to worry about you, you saying that doesn’t change it. I will worry about you no matter what. No matter if you are my girlfriend or if you are just some girl. I know you now, you can’t just erase that.” He said. I just looked at him. I really wanted to just be like screw it, lets just be together. We can make it through these three months, it doesn’t matter. But, I knew what I needed and what he deserved. I knew it, he may not ever understand, but I realized I could be okay with that.

“Just tell me what this means, Grace. Because I know that I am not going to change your mind.” He said.

“ It means that call me when you want to call me. Text me when you want to text me. And when you are in Pittsburgh, you better be at my doorstep! It means that I like you but you aren’t tied to me. It means that we are seeing what happens, but you are free to do whatever you want with whomever you want.”

“And you?” He asked.

“I will be studying and volunteering and probably regretting everything I just said.”

“If you know that you are going to regret it, then why are you saying it?” He asked.

“Because I want to be friends with you first. I want to be that person for you, and it hurts that I’m not. It hurts that we aren’t at that point. I think this summer is the perfect time for us to be talking and figuring who each other are. Because those are the things you can do over the phone. I also don’t want to be worrying who you are with.. I just don’t want you to think you owe me anything.”

“I don’t think that. I totally get what you are saying.. but I did want to see you after the game. It wasn’t like I didn’t want to see you.” He said.

“That’s not my point.” I said.

“Okay, well I also know what you mean, that you aren’t that person yet, but that’s what dating is for.”

“Sidney say we are together exclusively by the time you get back we would have been together for 4 months and still I wouldn’t know you that well. I just want to know you. I want to know every little thing about you, hence that’s what this summer is for.” I explained.

“Grace, whatever you want. But, I don’t really plan on dating girls back home.”

“I like that.” I said smiling.

“And don’t go falling for Liam again.”

“I think I only have eyes for Canadians and since its not hockey season anymore, I don’t think there are many around.” I said.

“So what was this whole conversation about?” He asked shaking his head.

“We are dating, but not exclusive. You should feel free to date if you want to date, if you want to call me, call me.” I said.

“hey Grace? You should know that this is your choice. If it was up to me, you would be the only girl I talk to or think about or see this summer. Whenever you want to be official, all you have to do is say the word, because I’m not going anywhere.”

“Lets just have a good night together. Lets not worry about what will happen when you are gone this summer. Okay?” I asked.

“Don’t you know that whatever you want, I will do.” He said giving me a smirk. Then we walked into the bedroom.