Seventeen.

“This is really good.” I said taking a bite of the tilapia Nathalie prepared.

“Oh thank you, Grace.” Nathalie said.

“So you live in the same apartment during the summer?” Mario asked.

“Yeah, my parents bought the apartment a few years ago.” I explained.

“They bought it so it would be easier when she was at the hospital.” Sidney chimed in. I just looked at him, not expecting him to bring the cancer thing up. It was just awkward.

“Did you know that Mario had cancer a few years ago?” Nathalie asked.

“Yeah, Sidney mentioned that. Didn’t you still play hockey during it?” I asked.

“Yeah.” Mario said.

“Wow, I couldn’t do anything during my treatment.” I said.

“I only did radiation. What about you?”

“I did radiation and chemotherapy. It wasn’t a fun time.” I said shaking my head.

“What kind of cancer did you have? Sidney never said.” Nathalie asked.

“Melanoma. It wasn’t as bad as it could have been. It was still pretty bad though.” I said.

“How long were you in Pittsburgh for?” Mario asked.

“About nine months. My best friend had Leukemia and he stayed for over a year. ” I said.

“Its funny because when people ask that and I tell them nine months. They are like oh that’s not bad. And I just want to be like, you have no idea how bad it was. It was the worst experience in the world. Nine months of throwing up and not being able to do anything.. nine months of being so sick that people are scared to come near you or touch you. It could have been 2 weeks, it would have been too long.” I explained.

“I know, people that haven’t experienced it.. can’t really understand.” Mario said.

“That’s why it was a blessing meeting Liam, my best friend. He had it worse than me, but it was like when he saw me he didn’t see me as having cancer. He saw me as being like him.” I said.

“It must have been hard telling Sidney.” Nathalie said when just the two of us were in the kitchen.

“It was so hard. But it had to happen. I live with Liam so it was bound to come out. I just never wanted Sidney to see me sick or without my hair.” I said.

“I don’t think Sidney really cares about that stuff.”

“Maybe not, but no one wants the boy they like to see them sick. I don’t know.. I just didn’t want cancer to define my life forever.” I said.

“I understand, but you should be proud of surviving.”

“I am so proud and I’m not scared for it to happen again. I’m not scared for myself.. I’m scared for the people around me. That’s why I didn’t want Sidney to know. I don’t want him to have to worry that one day I may just wake up sick again.” I said.

“Hey, thanks for coming tonight.” He said while we were laying on his bed.

“Sure.” I said.

“Whats wrong?” He asked.

“Nothing.. I’m fine.” I said.

“Grace..” He said.

“What?”

“I know that something is wrong.”

“I just.. it was weird them asking me about cancer.” I said.

“You don’t like talking about it?”

“I don’t mind talking about it, it just is awkward sometimes. I hate thinking that people are picturing me sick.” I said.

“They weren’t picturing you like that.”

“Everyone does and then everyone feels bad for me.”

“You don’t know that Grace.”

“Yeah, you have never had cancer.” I said.

“Don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“Push me away. Don’t push me away because you are scared because I am leaving.. don’t push me away because I didn’t have cancer.”

“Sidney, I’m not. Its not because you don’t have cancer or that you didn’t.” I said.

“Just let me in, Grace.” He whispered and then kissed my ear.

“I just don’t want you to leave. You know how I feel. I just want to take a step back.” I said.

“Can’t we just talk about it before I leave?” He asked.

“Fine.” I said getting up.

“Stay.” He said reaching for my hand.

“Tomorrow is a game day and I can’t leave my sister.”

“Your sister is fine.”

“Tomorrow is still a game day.” I said.

“Fine. Call me when you get back into the city.” He said getting up and kissing me.

“And Sidney..” I said before leaving.

“I’m not pushing you away.. I just don’t like thinking that you are going to be so far away.” I said.

“Don’t think about it.” He said.

“I try not too, but I can’t help it.” I said then I left.

“Grace is that you?” KellyAnn said walking out of the bathroom.

“Yeah.. where is Travis?” I asked.

“Sleeping.. of course.” She said starting to laugh. I walked to my bedroom and he followed.

“So how is Sidney?” She asked.

“Good.”

“Whats wrong?” She said sitting on the bed.

“I don’t know. I like him, Kel. I really do. Its just..”

“Its just what?”

“I don’t want to hold him back. I don’t want to think about all the girls he is with back home. I don’t want to think about all the girls he could get.”

“Grace, doesn’t it mean something that he chose you?”

“Yeah, but why did he? I ask myself that everyday.”

“I just don’t think you are giving him enough credit. Just see what happens.” She said.

“What happens if I get sick? I don’t want him to worry about me. I don’t want him to go through that with me.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want him to think of me like that.”

“Why not? Liam did.”

“I know, but I’m just scared that he will be scared away. What if he didn’t want to be around if I got sick again?”

“Are you serious? If he didn’t want to be with you if you got sick, then he is an ass and you don’t want him in your life. But, I don’t think he would do that.”

“I’m just scared..”

“Everyone is scared, Grace.”

“Its not fair to Sidney that I keep thinking these things.”

“Its not. He likes you, deal with it.”

“I know, you see things black and white.” I said.

“You usually see things black and white, but you are making Sidney this gray area.” KellyAnn said.

“I know, he is like my Achilles heel.” I said.

“That’s what makes him perfect for you.”She said before getting up and leaving my room. I just sat on my bed thinking. I knew what was going to happen. I knew that everything would be okay, but I just didn’t want to lose Sidney. Its funny that I am saying that I would lose him, because you can’t lose something that you never have. I didn’t have Sidney, not completely. Because if I did, I would have met his parents, I would have done so many other things. And if Sidney completely had me, he would have met my parents. And that was the truth, neither of us could deny that.