Thirteen.

“I’m going to the coffee shop to see if I can get a job this summer.” I said to Liam.

“You are getting a job?” He asked surprised.

“Yeah, why not?”

“Because you don’t need the money and you are taking classes and volunteering.”

“I’m not going to work all the time. Just a few days a week.” I said.

“Did you tell your boyfriend?” He asked.

“Sidney is not my boyfriend. At all.” I said.

“He stayed here last night.” He said.

“Yeah, because I was scared. He left like at 7 am.” I explained.

“So you two aren’t dating?” He asked.

“No, definitely not dating.” I said.

“But you want too.” He said.

“I’m leaving.” I said and walked out the door.

I didn’t know what I wanted from Sidney. I knew I liked him and only him. But did I really want to be dating Sidney Crosby? I soon realized I definitely did want to be dating him, but he maybe wasn’t so sure if he wanted to be dating me.

Sidney and I have been really good lately. We have hung out and spent a lot of time together. Well, I mean he is busy with playoffs and what not but we make time. I have to admit, I love kissing him. There is just something about it, it gets me everytime. But, we never put a label on what we were to each other. I never really needed us too, but with the day looming that he will leave to go back home, it seems like it needs to happen.

Right After Philly Series.

“Where is Liam?” Sidney asked. We were entwined on the couch.

“Home. I told you I was staying here by myself, this summer.” I said.

“Doesn’t it get lonely?” He asked.

“I guess. Its not like Liam is that far away. I can call him whenever I want him.” I said.

I put my hand right to his, as if I was measuring the size of our hands. Then I let our fingers enterwined. Then I kissed his fingers, and asked the question.

“Sidney, what are we?” I asked him.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, are we friends?” I asked.

“That’s a stupid question. Of course we are friends.”

“Are we more than friends?”

“Well I would hope you don’t kiss all your friends the way you kiss me.” He said laughing.

“I’m serious. I don’t care what we are, I just want to know.”

“You don’t care?”

“I care, but you won’t hurt me if you say the wrong thing.” I explained.

“I like you..” He said.

“Bad timing though. I mean you don’t need to be worrying about this relationship right now. Plus, you leave soon.” I said.

“So what are you saying?”

“I’m saying that I like you. But, just because of everything I went through, that doesn’t mean this has to be serious.” I said.

“Its not about you being sick.” He said.

“I know, its not. I’m just saying.. I do like you. But, you are crazy busy. I don’t expect you to be worrying about me.”

“I want to worry about you. Anyways, regardless if you are my “girlfriend” I will still worry about you.”

“Thats sweet.” I said.

“It’s the truth.”

“But when you leave, what happens?” I asked.

“What do you want to happen?”

“I don’t want to be worrying that you are dating other people. I don’t want to be thinking that you are cheating on me.”

“You really think I would cheat on you?”

“I don’t think so, but I don’t know.”

“Why don’t you just tell me what you want to say.”

“I don’t want to date other people, but you should be able too. I don’t want you too, but its probably best.”

“So what are you saying?”

“I’m saying you are off the hook. Would I be upset to see you with another girl? Yes. But should you be with anyone during the Stanley Cup Finals? No.”

“I want to be with you.” He said.

“Me too, but what happens when you are back home and I’m still here?” I asked.

“We will figure it out.”

“I just don’t think we should be that serious.” I said.

“I agree that I don’t want to be serious during the Finals. But afterwards, I want to be with you.” He said.

“Afterwards, you will be leaving for three months.” I said.

“Distance doesn’t mean I will forget you or that my feelings will change.” He said.

“We will see.” I said.

“Grace.. I’m here. Do I need to focus in the next few weeks? Yeah. But, I’m here because I want to be.” He said kissing me.

“I just don’t want you to be trapped.” I said.

“I’m not trapped. I like you.” He said touching my face.

“So do you want me to stay tonight or are you okay?” He asked.

“You can do whatever you want.” I said.

“Grace..”

“Of course I want you to stay because I feel safer when you are next to me. But, I’m okay if you want to leave.”

“If you want me here, I’m here.” He said.

“I don’t like being this helpless girl.” I said when we were lying in bed together.

“You aren’t.”

“That’s how you see me.” I said.

“I don’t see you that way, Grace. You put words in my mouth. You think I don’t want to be with you, but yet I’m laying right next to you, holding you in my arms.” He said.

“Its funny that you were in Pittsburgh when I was here for treatment.” I whispered.

“I wish I knew you back then.” He said.

“I’m glad you didn’t.” I whispered, not sure if he heard me.

Ahh?

I don't even know who is reading this anymore. I get comments from the same person every post, and I appreciate it. But, I just want to know that there are still readers out there. Because I have a lot of ideas and actually a few chapters already written, but if no one reads them I won't post them. So moral to the story, more people comment please!! And yay Billy is coming back next year!!
God Bless <3

Twelve.

Then…I heard the doorbell.

“That is weird. Liam has a key.” I thought to myself. I walked to the door not realizing I was still holding Geoffrey, the giraffe.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left.” He said.

“Why did you?” I asked.

“I guess it was a combination of being shocked about what you were telling me and the fact that you didn’t tell me. I just can’t believe you didn’t trust me enough to tell me this.” He said.

“Sidney.. I have never told a single soul. Somehow, people just knew. I never told them.” I said.

“Can I come in to talk?” He asked still standing outside of my door.

“Oh yeah..” I said.

We walked to the couch.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked me.

“Because I didn’t want you to think of me like that. I don’t want pity. I wanted you to like me and not feel bad for me.” I said.

“I mean, I feel bad for you. But its not going to make me like you more.” He said.

“Sidney, you said that you were falling for me..” I said.

“Yeah?”

“I’m falling for you, that’s why I told you. You shouldn’t have to be with someone that could be sick at any moment.”

“Grace.. I want to know you. I came back because I want to know everything.” He said.

“Everything isn’t great. I don’t want you to think of me like that. That’s why I didn’t tell you.. who wants the guy they like to think of them being weak and sick?” I asked.

“I want to know everything about you. Liam saw you like that.”

“Liam had no choice but to see me like that. He fell inlove with me when I had no hair. Hell, he shaved my head for me.” I said.

“I get why you have this connection. I didn’t before, but now.. I do.” He said.

“Please.. just tell me.” He said. I just looked down at my giraffe and started to talk.

“It was three years ago. The worst part was having to wait for them to tell me that it was bad.”

“What did you think when it was happening?” He asked.

“I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t imagine telling people that I had cancer, I mean how do you tell someone that? Then I started to think, what if I die? I haven’t even been in love. I hadn’t experienced my first kiss. I didn’t even know how to drive. These were my initial thoughts. Then.. I realized that I didn’t do anything to make this happen. It just happened. God wanted it to happen. I knew that God had a plan and I would be okay. I knew that because of the things I had yet to experience. God wouldn’t make this happen to me and make me miss out on those things. It was fate. That’s what I believed.” I said looking up at him. He put his hand on my leg.

“You believe you were destined to have cancer?” He asked.

“Yeah, I do. I believe in fate. Everything happens for a reason. I had cancer, which led me to meet Liam. It was because of Liam and cancer that I am here in Pittsburgh. It is because of cancer that I met Erin. It is through Erin that I met you. It’s a chain reaction. Fate is something I definitely believe in.” I explained.

“Anyways.. they told me that I had cancer. They said that they caught it early enough and I only had to go through radiation and chemo. The initial melanoma was here.” I said putting my hand on the side of my breast.

“Then, they found some on my ankle and calf. I have some pretty big scars. They thought it would be best to come to Pittsburgh. So that’s what we did.” I said.

“Then you met Liam?”

“I met Liam on my second day of chemo. He was doing his second day too. We instantly became friends. I’m not going to lie, I thought he was cute. Which was just mortifying at first, knowing that this kid that is so cute would see me at my worst. But we spent every waking hour together. We got sick together, we played cards together. I made a decision that I didn’t want to wait for my hair to fall out. At that time I had really really long hair. I decided I would donate my hair for Locks of Love, and then I would shave it. Liam shaved my head, and I shaved his.” I said touching my hair.

“It was scary being in that situation with someone. He saw everything. He was the reason I made it through. I would say we shaved our heads about two weeks into treatment. We kissed that night. My first kiss was when I had no hair. That’s who Liam was to me, he loved me when I didn’t think anyone could even look at me. It was hard knowing that the person you were falling for was so sick. I mean, our situation wasn’t normal. We spent so much time together, so even though we might have only known eachother for a month or something like that, it felt longer because of everything that happened.” I explained.

“Liam was sicker than me. Leukemia is way worse than melanoma, well atleast mine. I couldn’t bear to watch him get sick. Everytime I left his room I worried that he would be gone before I saw him next. It was so scary. I was more scared for him to die, than I was to die myself. Meeting him, made cancer okay to me.” I said looking at Sidney.

“I know you don’t like him, Sidney. But, he is the reason I am okay. He loved me when no one else could or wanted too. He made me feel normal. To this day, when I see him I can’t even believe that he wanted me of all people. I just feel so bad that this happened to him.” I said crying.

“It happened to you too.” He said trying to comfort me.

“you don’t understand.” I said.

“I’m trying too.” He said.

“Liam is mad at God. He is mad that he got cancer. He doesn’t see it the way I see it. He says that I am the reason he is okay. That I made him be okay with cancer. Liam could relapse so easily. It scares me. I know that you don’t like Liam. But, seriously.” I said starting to cry again.

“I don’t hate Liam, Grace. Especially now, I could never hate someone that you love so much.” He said holding me closer.

“I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you. I’m sorry that I had cancer.. I’m sorry to put you through this.”

“Babe, I’m sorry that you had cancer. I’m sorry you had to go through it. Don’t apologize to me. I’m here because I want to be, not because I feel bad for you.” He said.

“This is Geoffrey. I got him the beginning of sophomore year. He has been through it all with me.” I said showing him the giraffe.

“He is cute.” He said kissing my nose. I took a deep breath, then I took his hand.

“I want to show you something.” I said.

“I have never seen your room before.” He said when he realized where we were going.

“Because my whole room screams that I had cancer. And I know, it shouldn’t have been a secret. But once you see how I use to look, you won’t forget it. I will beg you to forget it, but you won’t.” I said. He sat on my bed and I brought him the picture of me and Liam at junior prom.

“You are beautiful.” He said looking at the picture.

“You don’t have to say that.”

“It’s the truth.”

“Its not. I look at that picture and cringe.”

“Yet in the picture, you look so happy.”

“At the time, I was. I was with the boy I loved and I survived. But looking at it now, I am mortified that you are seeing me like that.”

“Why?”

“Because its like I’m naked in that picture. I have nothing to hide, its all open to everyone.”

“Its so raw and beautiful.” He said putting his hand around my neck.

“So how long did you stay in Pittsburgh?” He asked.

“9 months. Liam stayed longer. It was so hard leaving him. He came to prom with me. I can’t even describe to you what it was like to go back to school without hair. Everyone already knew that I had cancer, but it was one thing to know and another thing to witness it.” I said.

“So did you end up missing any school?” He asked.

“We got homeschooled during treatment. Another reason Liam and I got so close.”

“So this is why you want to become a doctor?” He asked.

“Yeah. I want to change the world, and it sounds ridiculous, but I could. I want to help a family make the worst news possible, into something to be proud of. I’m proud to have survived cancer. Did cancer suck? Definitely. Am I better person because of it? Definitely.”

“You are amazing.” He said kissing me.

“Not really. I still lied to you.” I said.

“Grace, you were right. I knew you for two months..You didn’t owe me anything.” He said.

“I owed you the truth, because I am falling for you. When I’m not with you, I want to be. You deserved to know. I’m just sorry. Brooks knew and I felt guilty for that. I felt guilty that people around you knew and you didn’t.”

“Brooks knew?” He asked.

“Erin knew. Make-a-Wish gave me and Liam a trip to Ireland. They loved us. They thought it was so cute that we fell in love during treatment and that we wanted a wish together. It just made sense for us to have one. I wouldn’t have wanted to go somewhere without him.”

“How did it work once you guys left Pittsburgh?” He asked.

“We saw each other probably every other weekend. Then in the summer we saw eachother a lot. Before we left Pittsburgh, we made a pact that we would come here for college. We said that this is where it all started and we could be together. Funny that we came here to be together, and once we were here.. we broke up.” I said.

“I’m sorry that I keep asking about Liam.”

“Its fine.. cancer and Liam are like intertwined.” I said laughing.

“Why did you guys end up breaking up?” He asked.

“Morgan was Carter’s sister. Carter was a 12 year old that was having treatment when we were getting treatment. They lived in Pittsburgh. Morgan was a year younger than us. All three of us met eachother the same day. I mean, I knew Liam. But Liam and I met Morgan together. That happened like right before I left Pittsburgh. I guess they kept talking and became friends. Then that day I found her in his bed with him. That was kind of a kicker.” I said laughing.

“But you forgave him? I mean you live together.” He said.

“Of course I forgave him. He is my best friend. When you meet your soul mate at 16 everyone assumes you are just going to be together forever, but it didn’t happen that way. It wouldn’t have been that way even if Morgan didn’t happen.”

“Why so?”

“Because we went through this crazy situation. We had a serious relationship right off the bat because we were both scared of dying and being without each other. It was too serious too fast. We both knew it. I still love him. Do I forgive him? Yes. Did I forget about Morgan? Hell no.” I said laughing.

“I’m sorry that I kept telling you to just forget about Liam.” He said.

“You didn’t know.” I said.

“Yeah..” He said. “I just want to hug you and never let you go. Not after finding this all out. I don’t want you to ever be hurting like that.” He said grabbing me closer.

“I’m so tired.” I whispered.

“Are you by yourself tonight?” He asked.

“Yeah, Liam is at home. Its kind of scary actually. I kept thinking that when you left and I was lying here.” I said.

“I know, I’m a dork.” I said.

“Do you want me to stay or something?” He asked.

“You don’t have too.. its fine.” I said embarrassed.

“I don’t want you to be scared. Ever.” He said leaning in to give me a soft kiss.

Please Comment! : )

Eleven.

“Hey, where are you going?” I asked Liam.

“Ben and I are going to go out with some guys from high school.” He said.

“You aren’t going to the game?” I asked.

“No, we are going to watch it with some people at Ben’s.” He said.

“So you won’t be back tonight?” I asked.

“No, is that okay?” He asked.

“Yeah.. it will be the first time I’m here by myself.” I said.

“You will fine.” He said.

“I’m going to tell Sidney today..” I said.

“Okay, well if you need me.. call me.” He said then he left.

I was going to the game with Erin, Brooks’ girlfriend. So when Liam left, I started to get ready. They played the Rangers at 2 today. Then after, I would tell him. I had no idea how I was going to say it, but I figured it would just happen.

“Hey.” Erin said when I got into her car.

“Hey..”

“What’s wrong?” she asked me.

“I’m going to tell Sidney today.” I simply said.

“You haven’t told him yet?”

“No. I know he is going to be mad. I know its going to be over after today.” I said.

“You don’t know that.”

“I do. I know him better than people think.” I said.

“I have so many reasons that I didn’t tell him, but I know he won’t care about any of them.” I said.

“Grace, there is no book that tells you how to handle this. There is no timeline that says when people have the right to know that you had cancer.” Erin said.

“I know, but even Liam thinks its bad. He just kept asking me why am I ashamed of cancer now?”

“Is that what it is?” Erin asked.

“No, I just don’t want Sidney to see me or think of me like that. He is Sidney Crosby. He could have who ever he wanted. Why would he want to be with a girl who had no hair? Why would he want to be with a girl who.. why would he want to be with me?” I asked.

“I think you are thinking about this too much. Give him the benefit of the doubt.” She said.

“Yeah, we will see.” I simply said.

“I have to tell you something.” I said after we were done with dinner and we went back to my apartment.

“What is it?” He said.

“You are going to be mad, but I’m sorry. I just didn’t know how.”

“What are you talking about?” Sidney asked looking more confused.

“I haven’t been completely honest with you about everything.” I said.

“Just tell me.”

“Tomorrow will mark 3 years ago that I was diagnosed with Melanoma.” I said. He just looked at me.

“I was finishing my sophomore year and I found a mole on my side. I knew it was bad as soon as I saw it. I could feel that something was wrong. I was right. I came to Pittsburgh and got treatment for 9 months. It was here that I met Liam. He had leukemia. So that’s my secret. I met Liam while I was at Chemo. That’s how I know Erin, she granted mine and Liam’s wish. That’s why I was at the Children’s Hospital that day, I was volunteering because they changed my life. I should have told you sooner maybe.” I said. He just looked at me.

“You are mad.” I simply said. He shook his head.

“About me having cancer or about not telling you?” I asked.

“I can’t believe you think I would be mad about you having cancer! I’m mad because you didn’t tell me. I don’t even know you.”

“Sidney, that’s not true.”

“It is true. 2 months we have been talking! 2 months and you never thought it would be a good time to explain how you knew Liam or Erin. Or why you had do go to the doctors. Nothing. I just don’t get why you didn’t trust me enough to tell me. I knew you were hiding something.. but nothing this big!” He said getting up.

“Sidney.. don’t leave. I didn’t know that knowing a person for 2 months meant sharing your life story with them!?” I said.

“Grace, so many nights we talked about random. Its not that you didn’t tell me, its that you purposely didn’t tell me. And no, knowing someone for 2 months doesn’t mean telling them everything.. but I guess I wanted to tell you my life story. I guess when you are falling for someone you want to tell them everything, but I guess you just didn’t feel that way.” He said.

“That’s not true. I have my reasons that I didn’t tell you.”

“I’m sure you do.” He said heading to the door.

“Where are you going?” I asked.

“I just.. I can’t do this right now.” He said and he left.

After he left, it hit me. Sidney left. I told him and he left. It took me a few minutes, then I just broke down. I just cried. Cried because I tried to let him in, and he didn’t want to be there. I cried because it was the first time I told someone about cancer. I cried because I just let someone walk out of my life that could have potentially been a great addition. I cried because for the first time in a long time, I felt alone. I made my way to my bedroom and just got under the covers and grabbed my stuffed animal. I just didn’t want to think about it anymore. I was determined to fall asleep. After about three hours, I called Liam.

“I told him.” I said still stuffy from crying.

“Grace, do you need me to come over?” He asked.

“He left, Liam. He left..” I said.

“I’ll be there in twenty minutes.” He said.

“No, I’m okay. I just want to be alone.” I said.

“I love you and if you need me, just call me.” He said.

“Thanks.. I’ll call you later or tomorrow.” I said.

I thought I was done crying, but after talking to Liam I started again. I started to think that maybe I made the wrong decision. Maybe Liam would be the only guy that would ever love me. Maybe I let the only guy I could ever trust go. I just hugged my stuffed giraffe and cried. It was along couple of hours.

Ten.

“So what are you going to do about Liam?” Sidney asked me at dinner.

“What do you mean?” I asked a little confused on what he was talking about.

“Are you going to tell him, or are you just going to be like whatever.” He said.

“I’m going to tell him. But you do realize that Liam will always be apart of my life. He is my best friend.” I said.

“I know, but I’m hoping in time, he will mean less.. and I will mean more.” He said. I then looked at my phone.

“Tomorrow is May 3.” I whispered.

“What does that mean?” He said.

“It’s a big day for Liam.” I said. Sidney just looked at me.

“You will understand soon enough.” I said.

“Liam!” I yelled when I got into the house after spending most of the day with Sidney.

“what?” He said walking into the living room.

“I have to tell you something..” I said.

“Let’s hear it.”

“Liam.. I’m sick of you trying to confuse me. I don’t know if you want me or you want the idea of us together. I don’t know if you are just scared to lose me. You aren’t going to lose me. I am here, always and forever. You are my best friend and I love you more than I can even say.” I said and he came closer and was about to kiss me.

“But, we aren’t together and that was your doing. You chose to sleep with Morgan. You chose to break my heart, and I know you might regret it. You might wish it didn’t happen, but it did. I forgive you about it. I forgive you and I still love you, but do I want to be with you? No.”

“you don’t trust me?”

“I trust you. But, I also know that you were with a girl last night. And I don’t care. I honestly, don’t care. You can do whatever you want, but I’m upset that you don’t give me the same opportunity. I have this boy who likes me, Liam. He likes me.. he doesn’t feel bad for me.. he just likes me. I mean seriously? How rare is that?! How dare you try and ruin that for me. You made me think that it wasn’t fair for me to have feelings for Sidney because I loved you once. I did love you once.. I mean I love you still, but I was in love with you. You broke my heart and I forgive you, but that doesn’t mean I forget. So let me be with Sidney.”I said.

“He is going to hurt you too. He is Sidney Crosby.” He said.

“I’m not scared of getting hurt, Liam. I’m not scared of anything but regret.” I said.

“Fine, you made your decision.” He said.

“shut up, Liam! You never wanted me. You just didn’t want him to have me. And you know its true. I know you well enough to know its true. You are my soul mate, okay. I love you forever, but I have the right to fall in and out of love with whomever I choose.” I said.

“I know.. I’m sorry for playing with your heart. And I’m sorry for Morgan. I’m sorry.. I’m just sorry.” He said and then we hugged.

It was in that moment, I knew Liam and I would be friends for life. I said things to him that I should have said months ago. By saying those things, I realized that no matter what I say, he will always come back. I can’t get rid of him, no matter how hard I try. He loves me for me. He knows everything about me and is okay with it. Hell, he fell in love with me when I had no hair. I love him, but May 3^rd is rough day for Liam. And after May 3^rd, May 5^th comes around. I hate this month, just because of what it does to Liam. Not for what it does to me.. I can handle it. But, Liam.. he doesn’t need a reminder, he doesn’t need another reason to be mad at the world and at God. He doesn’t need one. But that night, I realized that tomorrow I had to spend with Liam, and I had to explain that to Sidney.

Hey, I have to spend tomorrow with Liam.

Did you tell him?

Yeah, I told him. I told him everything. But, tomorrow.. he needs me.

Am I ever going to know why?

Yeah, I promise. Just know that I wish you could spend it with us, but you can’t. He needs me, because I get it. It’s a hard day. I’ll text you during it and call you later. I’m sorry.

Don’t be sorry. Just call me.

The next day, I woke up to make Liam breakfast. This would be the first time we would be spending this day together. I know that cancer is never really far from people’s minds but on big days that things happened, it just doesn’t seem to go away. On May 5, that’s all I think about. I think about finding out, leaving my friends, throwing up, shaving my head.. I think about it all.

“Hey.” I said smiling when he walked into the kitchen.

“I hate today.” He said sitting down. I gave him pancakes and bacon.

“Thanks.” He mumbled.

“Can I say something without you getting mad at me?” I asked a little later when we were just laying on the couch watching a movie.

“Sure.” He said.

“Why are you so bitter about this all? I get it that the experience sucked.. but we made it.” I said.

“Its just not fair. What did I do to deserve to get Leukemia and other people didn’t? Why me? Why my family? Why? I don’t get it.”

“No one deserves cancer. I don’t get why I got it, but we made it, Liam. We are survivors.. you don’t have to keep hating it.” I said.

“I just hate the fact that we went through it. I hate that it happened to you. I hate that I had to watch it happen to you. I hate that some people will never experience what we may experience again. I hate getting a stomachache and worrying that its cancer again. I hate getting a bruise and waiting to see if it fades. I hate the fact that I have to worry about these things. And I hate that people pity us. I don’t need anyone’s pity.”

“Liam.. I hate pity. And I hate watching you suffer. I hate thinking about cancer too, but it happened. Its part of our story. Cancer brought me you, I couldn’t ever hate it that much.” I said reaching for his hand.

“I know without cancer there wouldn’t be an us. I know that. But, I just don’t think I’ll ever get over it. I don’t think I could ever be happy about getting cancer like you. I’m not like you.. I’m not as strong as you.”

“Liam, you are stronger than me. Without you, I wouldn’t have made it. I wouldn’t have. We made it together.. don’t hate this day. Be proud that this day happened, and we are still here.” I said smiling and hugging him.

I couldn’t tell you how long Liam and I just laid on the couch. We just laid there talking about everything we did together. He told me about May 3, I already heard it like ten times, but I didn’t mind. We talked about Ireland and prom. We just talked and held each other. I know, I am making this love triangle again. But, I’m not. I’m not in love with Liam. Its not safe to say that I am in love with Sidney, either, but I want to be. I want to give love a try with Sidney, not Liam. Liam is my best friend and there is nothing wrong lying on the couch talking. There is nothing wrong with remember how things were and thinking about the future. Because boys will come and go in my life, but Liam will always be constant. He may even be one of those boys that comes and goes, but his friendship will be constant. His soul and mine are forever intertwined, and I’m perfectly okay with that.

After dinner, the inevitable fight started.

“To be honest Grace, I just don’t get why you haven’t told him yet. I get it, you like him. You want to be with him. And I’m sorry that I made you question that. But, I don’t get how you can be with him when he doesn’t know the most fundamental thing about you.” Liam said.

“When did cancer become the most fundamental thing about me?” I asked.

“Its not. Okay, I shouldn’t have said that. But you are such a good person. Everything that you feel about cancer, it makes you even a better person. You say that I helped you beat cancer, you are still helping me beat cancer. Grace, you wanted to donate bone marrow when you had cancer yourself! You loved me more than I deserved and it was your love that got me through it. I just don’t get why you don’t want him to know that.” He said.

“Because its our story.” I said.

“No, its your story.” He said.

“Remember what it was like to go back to high school after we left? Everyone knew I had cancer. Everyone looked at me in this weird way. I don’t want Sidney to look at me like that. I don’t want cancer to be the only story of my life.”

“I get that you don’t want him to feel bad for you. I get that you wanted him to like you without knowing that part about you. I get it. But, don’t you think it will hurt him once you tell him?” He asked.

“I didn’t know that being friends with someone for 2 months meant they had the right to know everything about me? Does Jordan and them know that you had cancer?” I asked.

“Actually.. I told them yesterday.” He said. I just gave him a look.

“I told them not to tell Sidney. They don’t know about you. They just know about me.” He said.

“I just don’t get when you became ashamed of cancer. As long as I have known you, you have taken it with stride. You are a fighter and survivor. You are the most optimistic person I know, and cancer didn’t even shake that part of you. I just don’t get why now you decided not to tell.”

“Because Liam.. when I tell him, that’s who I am again. I’m Grace Williams, the girl who survived cancer. I’m not Grace, the volunteer. Or Grace, the girl who thinks she will change the world. I’m not even Grace, the college student. I’m Grace, ya know the one who had cancer. That’s how people described me in high school! I just wanted to fall for someone without them seeing me without hair.” I said.

“I saw you without hair..” He said.

“Yeah, and when you see me.. you see cancer. You see me laying on the floor of the bathroom throwing up. You see me without hair. You see me weak.”

“But that’s not a bad thing. I fell in love with you when you didn’t have hair.” He said.

“And I love you for that. But he is Sidney Crosby.” I said.

“He is also a boy who likes a girl who survived something unbearable. He has the right to know.” He said. I just looked at him. I knew he was right. I knew I had to tell him.

“May 5 is in two days. It will have been 3 years and Sidney doesn’t even know. To him, its just another day.”

“And it should be.” I said.

“Grace, heaven forbid something happens. What if I relapse or you do?”

“That won’t happen.”

“But it could, and then what? What if he doesn’t know by then? At what point does it become a lie?” He asked.

“Its not a lie! Its only been two months!” I said.

“Its not a lie, but it’s a secret. And secrets are lies. Grace, I love you. And if he hurts you, I will hurt him. Well atleast, I will try. But, I think he will surprise you. He won’t look at you with pity. He won’t care, but you have to tell him. And if this little thing changes his mind about you, he is an ass. Because if I was in his shoes, it would make me fall inlove with you. Because he thinks you are amazing, but he doesn’t even know the half of it.” He said.

“I know.. its just. How do you tell someone that you had cancer?” I asked.

“I mean I didn’t even know how to tell someone that when it happened. My mom told everyone. It was scary because I didn’t know what would happen. But now, I’m okay, but its still scary. How do you tell someone that it could happen again at any moment?” I said.

“That’s why you have to tell him, Grace. Don’t waste time that you have. Are you going to get it back? No, you aren’t. I know you aren’t. You are going to live til you are like 104, I know it. But, it could happen. Anything could happen.. so let him love you. Let him love the real you.” He said.

“I will. I’ll do it tomorrow. It seems appropriate to tell someone the day inbetween when we got diagnosed. Its just so much to tell.” I said.

“You don’t have to tell him every single story. Just tell him that it happened. If he wants to know more, tell him more. But you don’t have to tell him everything in one day.” He said.

“Thanks, Liam.” I said.

“Figured it was my time to give you some guidance.” He said laughing.

“Oh yeah, cause for once in your life you are the mature one.” I said and he went into this room. I just lay on the couch. Tomorrow, everything would change. Sidney would know. Sidney would know everything, and I wasn’t completely sure how I felt about it.

Nine.

“Hey, whats up?” I said calling Sidney on my way to Pittsburgh.

“Are you driving?” He asked.

“Yeah?” I said confused.

“Okay, I’ll just wait until you get back.” He said.

“What?”

“I don’t want to tell you when you are driving. Could you stop by Mario’s on your way home?” He asked.

“Yeah.. whatever.” I said.

“Grace..”

“No, its fine. That’s fine. I’ll call you when I am close.” I said.

“I’m so confused.” I said when I finally became face to face with Sidney.

“Sorry.” He said hugging him.

“Did you just want me to come here to hug me?” I asked.

“That would have been a good plan, but no. I’m not that creative. I have to tell you something, which will probably hurt you and you probably won’t believe me.. but I have to tell you.” He said. I sat down on Mario’s porch bracing myself for what Sidney was going to tell me next.

“Last night when we got in, we all went out.”

“okay?” I said still confused.

“we went out and I saw Liam.”

“So? Did you guys get into a fight?!” I said jumping to conclusions.

“No.. there wasn’t a fight. I saw him with a girl.” He said. My face must have just went blank. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, but I let him talk.

“He was with this girl that I had never seen before. They were really touchy.. so I asked Jordan who that was and he said that her name was Caroline. I asked if they knew her.. and they said that Liam brings her around sometimes.”

“Brings her around sometimes?” I asked.

“I don’t know. Max said that Liam told him the other day that he was taking Caroline out. I don’t know.” He said.

“What do you mean you don’t know?” I said.

“I don’t know.” He said again.

“You don’t know if he was with a girl? You don’t know if he was making out with her? You don’t know if they had sex? You don’t know how many times? What don’t you know!?” I said getting more upset.

“I know he was with her. You think I’m lying?” He asked.

“I don’t know. I just think it would benefit you the most if this were true.”

“I wouldn’t lie to you. I wouldn’t want to hurt you.” He said.

“I just don’t get it. Why would he kiss me? Why would he tell me he wanted me back? Why would he do anything he has been doing if he had Caroline?” I asked him.

“I don’t know. But I’m not lying.” He kept saying. I just shook my head.

“I can’t believe you are going to believe him over me. Call Jordan and Max.. they know more than me!”

“Sidney, its not that I don’t believe. It’s not that. Its just if believing you means believing that Liam is a liar, I can’t do it.”

“So its okay to believe that I am a liar as long as Liam is still perfect in your eyes?” He asked.

“Sidney, that’s not fair.” I said.

“Its completely fair. I just can’t wait for you to stop comparing me to Liam. I can’t wait for me to be as great in your eyes as Liam is.” He said.

“First of all, don’t ever say that I compare you to Liam. Don’t ever try to say that I shouldn’t trust Liam or love Liam. You have no idea what my life was like before 2 months ago! Okay, you hardly know me! Liam knows everything about me. I don’t think you are a liar, Sidney. But I also know that Liam isn’t either.” I said. Sidney just stared at me.

“I’m going to go. I’ll talk to you later.” I said then walked towards my car.

I drove back to the city in silence. No music. No radio. No phone calls. No nothing. Just me and my thoughts. I just walked into the apartment, not even noticing if Liam was there. I walked in and went straight to me room. I threw my bags on the floor and stuffed my head in the pillows and cried. After a good cry, I mean everyone needs a good cry from time to time, I laid on my bed staring at my ceiling. After the ceiling, I stared at the pictures in my room. My room had a weird vibe, but I loved it. My walls were red, with white trim. My bed spread was black, just solid black, with white sheets. All of my furniture was white and every photo I had was black and white. It was just a great room to get lost in. I looked at the pictures in my room. I had my Junior Prom with Liam, we both had no hair, but we didn’t care. We were in love, or so we thought. I had my Senior Prom with Liam, we had hair. That could arguably be the best night of my life. I have a picture of me Rose at Senior Prom and then at graduation. I have a picture of Liam shaving my head. I have a picture of mine and Liam’s family in Ireland. I have a picture of Ben, Rose, me, and Liam. It was taken our first night in the apartment all together. I have so many pictures but if someone would come in and count, Liam would be in the most. Liam is everywhere. Liam is a huge part of my life. Its not even that Sidney is lying. I know that he isn’t lying. I know that Liam was most likely with a girl, and I don’t even care. I mean I care, but I’m not mad at Liam. I am mad at myself. I let myself believe that Liam still wanted me. I let myself believe that things could work again. Maybe I will end up with Liam in the long run. Maybe, Rose was right and I will end up with my Pacey, Sidney. Maybe, I will end up with some guy I haven’t even met. I don’t know, but I do know that right now.. I wanted to be with Pacey. I wanted Sidney. I made my choice. I probably made my choice two weeks ago. Its always been Sidney. But, Liam is everywhere. If I ever doubted that I just needed to look in my room. And I think what scared me the most after coming to this realization about Sidney was that now I had to tell him. I just realized that he was the one I want, and now I have to tell him something that could make him hate me. The whole point in not telling him was I wanted him to love me for me. I didn’t want him to feel bad for the little cancer girl. I don’t want to be that girl. But, now I have to tell him that for the past 2 months I have been keeping this huge part of my life a secret.

So about three hours after leaving Sidney’s, I called him.

“Hey, can we meet?” I asked.

“Yeah, coffee shop on the corner?” He asked like it was so normal for us to do.

“Yeah, call me when you are close.” I said and hung up the phone.

“Hey.” I said when I walked in and saw Sidney sitting at our normal table. Yeah, its kind of pathetic.. we have a normal table at the coffee shop on the corner on the South Side. Yeah, but whatever.

“Hey, Grace..listen… I’m sorry about before.” He said.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter.” He said.

“No, I spent the past three hours crying and laying in my bed just thinking.”

“I didn’t want to make you cry.”

“You didn’t.” I said.

“I made a decision.” I said.

“About what?” He said so oblivious to everything I was trying to say. It actually made me like him more.

“I choose you.” I simply said.

“Liam told you about Caroline?” He asked.

“No. I don’t even know if Liam was home. I went straight to my room.” I said.

“So you believe me, or you don’t believe me? I’m confused.” He said.

“It doesn’t matter if what you said about Liam is true. I don’t care if Liam is seeing someone else. I mean I care obviously because he led me on. He made me question everything just because he didn’t want to lose me. I get being afraid to lose someone. I get the fact that you do some weird things just to see if people actually care. But, I picked you not because you told me the truth about Liam. I didn’t pick you because Liam lied. I picked you because it is when you walk into the room my heart skips a beat. It is with you that I get butterflies. Liam maybe use to do these things, but presently it would be you that has these effects on me. So take it or leave it, I pick you.” I said. He just looked at me in disbelief.

“I’ll take it.” He said and we both laughed.

“Our fight made you decide?” He asked.

“No.. I think I have known. I mean I have known for a few weeks, but I was just scared, I think. I’m sorry.” I said.

“Don’t apologize.” He said smiling.

“Plus, Rose made me realize that just because someone is your soul mate doesn’t mean they are the love of your life.” I said.

“Rose is a smart girl.” He said and I laughed.

“Could we go get something to eat? I haven’t eaten yet?” I asked.

“Of course.” He said and then we walked to his car hand in hand.

“you chose me. Wow..I’m just going to keep repeating it to myself.” He said when we got into the car.

Eight.

“Liam is an ass.” I said getting into the car.

“What? What happened?” Rose asked.

“He kissed me. He has been kissing me for like a week and a half now. Its like he just wants to believe Morgan never happened. That this year never happened.” I said.

“What about Sidney?” She asked.

“Yeah.. what about Sidney? I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I like Sidney. I like him more than I thought I would. But, Liam is Liam.” I said.

“Liam is an ass, like you said. You can’t just forget the Morgan thing. I mean you were friends with her!” Rose said.

“I know, but I also just can’t forget everything else he has done for me through the years.” I said.

“Grace, what it comes down too.. isn’t what you two had in the past, its not who was there through cancer.. its not even who you love more right now.. its who makes you happier. The question isn’t who do you love? Its who could you love for forever? Who do you want to give your hear t too. And I know you are going to say Liam has your heart. He doesn’t. He gave it back when he slept with Morgan. He doesn’t deserve you. You don’t owe him anything.” She said.

“You should have heard when Sidney said today before we left.”

“Tell me.” She said.

“So I like this girl.. she is great. Actually, she is amazing. When I’m not with her, I want to be. She gives me another reason to love this city. She makes me laugh when no one else can. I drink more coffee than one should ever because of her. I do things I would never do. There is just one problem.. she can’t get over her ex-boyfriend. And it sucks, because I like her and I think we could have something good. But, I just wait. And I would wait for her for a long time, I think. But, I’m not sure if I could ever be her somebody. He said to me before we were about to leave each other.”

“And what did you say?” She asked.

“I said nothing. What do you say to that?”

“He isn’t going to wait forever, Grace. He doesn’t know what you and Liam went through. To him, Liam is just some ex-boyfriend. Sidney doesn’t even understand how hard this is, even if he knew, he may not understand. But, you have to tell him, because you can’t expect him to wait forever.” Rose said. I just looked at her.

“Do you honestly think you are going to be with Liam for forever? You honestly think that if you get back together.. that’s it. Cue ending, buy the white dress, and then there will be a happily ever after?” Rose said.

“I don’t know what I think. Did I use to think I wanted to go through forever with Liam? Yes, no doubt in my mind. I thought life would be amazing just to have him by my side.”

“But now?”

“But now, there is Sidney.”

“and what does that mean?”

“It means that I don’t know if Liam is the only guy that I could ever love.” I said.

“Don’t you think you owe it to yourself and to Sidney to see?” Rose said.

“This is why you are my best friend.” I said smiling.

About an hour into the drive, I got an idea. I thought I would call and leave a message on Sidney’s phone. I knew when the plane was to take off and I know he wouldn’t answer his phone then. I wanted to get his answering machine. I grabbed my phone.

“What are you going to do?” Rose asked.

“I’m going to say something to Sidney.” I said and started dialing his number

“So.. I have this problem. I like this boy. He is kind of a big deal. Well to the world he is, but I am starting to realize he kind of is a big deal to me, not because of this sport he plays, but because of the boy he is. Theres this boy who makes me forget about school and everything else. He makes me smile after a bad test, and actually makes me want to watch some silly sport that he loves so much. There is a boy who I know I am hurting because I am confused, but I want him to know that from time to time he pops into my mind when he has no business being there. I want him to know that I don’t want to make him wait, but I have too because I want to be sure. I am only sure of one thing, I want this boy in my life in some way. Could you pass on the message? Thanks.” I said hanging up the phone.

“Did you speak fast enough?” Rose said laughing.

“I didn’t want to get cut off!” I said.

“That was good, Grace. Real good.” She said.

“Rose.. its like I know that I want to be with Sidney. But also know that I love Liam too. I just never thought when Liam started wanting me, that another guy would too.”

“Well my dear, someone else was bound to find you.” She said laughing.

“Yeah, who would have thought?” I said.

“I can tell that you like Sidney. And I hate Liam for doing this.. I hate him for making you question this.” She said.

“Rose, maybe I am hurting Liam by being with Sidney. Maybe what he said was true? Maybe he really knows he messed up. Maybe its time for me to forgive him.”

“You just need to make a decision and stick to it. Because this little triangle thing you got going on..its pointy and someone is bound to get hurt.” Rose said.

“I know. I know that I have to pick.” I said. Then we kind of just sat in silence. Well, not really silence. We were rocking out to some Taylor Swift.

“Thanks for the message.” Sidney simply said. I called him later that night after I saw my family and whatnot.

“I should have said it before I left. But better late than never.” I said.

“Very true. How is being home?” He asked.

“Its kind of weird. I haven’t seen my parents since spring break or my sisters since winter break so that was nice. But, I kind of think of Pittsburgh as my home now.” I said.

“Yeah, that makes sense. How was the ride?” He asked.

“Fun. Car talks are always the best.” I said laughing.

I was home for a total of 5 days. I had talked to both Liam and Sidney about the same amount. Actually, I probably talked to Sidney more. I watched his games and then he would call me. I was really excited to see him, which kind of surprised me. Well, maybe it didn’t. I don’t know. I think it is safe to say that I am just confused. I was leaving tomorrow, Friday. But before I left, I wanted to have one night with Rose. Just me and her, because usually at school it was me, her, Liam. We both loved the show Dawson’s Creek. We decided to watch the finale because we haven’t seen it in what seems like forever. Of course, I cried. I cry all the time at the ending of that show. Actually, I cry all the time at that show no matter what.

“I figured it out.” Rose said after it ended.

“Figured what out.”

“I think that you should be with Sidney.”

“What?”

“Okay, just listen to me.” Rose said.

“I’m listening.”

“Liam is your Dawson. He was there when you needed someone the most. He was the one that experienced so many things in your life. He is your soul mate. You two are destined to always be a part of each others’ lives. You two will always love eachother. Sidney is your Pacey. He is the guy you long to be with. He is the person you know you should be with, but are too scared to lose your soulmate over him. Sidney is your Pacey. And you know who Joey ends up with in the long run..” Rose said.

“Pacey.” I said.

“Exactly.”

“So you think I should be with Sidney?”

“I think that you should do whatever you want. But, don’t think just because one person may be your soul mate.. that doesn’t mean they are the love of your life.” Rose said.

“What am I going to do without you this summer?!” I said hugging her.

“I guess I will just have to visit a lot!” She said laughing.

“Yeah, and you know we will be on the phone all the time.” I said.

“Of course.” She said.

“Okay, well thanks for everything. I love you.” I said hugging her. Then she left. And I was left alone with my thoughts.

I have to tell you something.

I read that text message and was confused. What could Sidney really need to tell me at 2 in the morning?

I’ll call you tomorrow while I’m driving back. I want to sleep so I can leave early in the morning.

Okay, sweet dreams : )

Night, Sid.