Ten.

“So what are you going to do about Liam?” Sidney asked me at dinner.

“What do you mean?” I asked a little confused on what he was talking about.

“Are you going to tell him, or are you just going to be like whatever.” He said.

“I’m going to tell him. But you do realize that Liam will always be apart of my life. He is my best friend.” I said.

“I know, but I’m hoping in time, he will mean less.. and I will mean more.” He said. I then looked at my phone.

“Tomorrow is May 3.” I whispered.

“What does that mean?” He said.

“It’s a big day for Liam.” I said. Sidney just looked at me.

“You will understand soon enough.” I said.

“Liam!” I yelled when I got into the house after spending most of the day with Sidney.

“what?” He said walking into the living room.

“I have to tell you something..” I said.

“Let’s hear it.”

“Liam.. I’m sick of you trying to confuse me. I don’t know if you want me or you want the idea of us together. I don’t know if you are just scared to lose me. You aren’t going to lose me. I am here, always and forever. You are my best friend and I love you more than I can even say.” I said and he came closer and was about to kiss me.

“But, we aren’t together and that was your doing. You chose to sleep with Morgan. You chose to break my heart, and I know you might regret it. You might wish it didn’t happen, but it did. I forgive you about it. I forgive you and I still love you, but do I want to be with you? No.”

“you don’t trust me?”

“I trust you. But, I also know that you were with a girl last night. And I don’t care. I honestly, don’t care. You can do whatever you want, but I’m upset that you don’t give me the same opportunity. I have this boy who likes me, Liam. He likes me.. he doesn’t feel bad for me.. he just likes me. I mean seriously? How rare is that?! How dare you try and ruin that for me. You made me think that it wasn’t fair for me to have feelings for Sidney because I loved you once. I did love you once.. I mean I love you still, but I was in love with you. You broke my heart and I forgive you, but that doesn’t mean I forget. So let me be with Sidney.”I said.

“He is going to hurt you too. He is Sidney Crosby.” He said.

“I’m not scared of getting hurt, Liam. I’m not scared of anything but regret.” I said.

“Fine, you made your decision.” He said.

“shut up, Liam! You never wanted me. You just didn’t want him to have me. And you know its true. I know you well enough to know its true. You are my soul mate, okay. I love you forever, but I have the right to fall in and out of love with whomever I choose.” I said.

“I know.. I’m sorry for playing with your heart. And I’m sorry for Morgan. I’m sorry.. I’m just sorry.” He said and then we hugged.

It was in that moment, I knew Liam and I would be friends for life. I said things to him that I should have said months ago. By saying those things, I realized that no matter what I say, he will always come back. I can’t get rid of him, no matter how hard I try. He loves me for me. He knows everything about me and is okay with it. Hell, he fell in love with me when I had no hair. I love him, but May 3^rd is rough day for Liam. And after May 3^rd, May 5^th comes around. I hate this month, just because of what it does to Liam. Not for what it does to me.. I can handle it. But, Liam.. he doesn’t need a reminder, he doesn’t need another reason to be mad at the world and at God. He doesn’t need one. But that night, I realized that tomorrow I had to spend with Liam, and I had to explain that to Sidney.

Hey, I have to spend tomorrow with Liam.

Did you tell him?

Yeah, I told him. I told him everything. But, tomorrow.. he needs me.

Am I ever going to know why?

Yeah, I promise. Just know that I wish you could spend it with us, but you can’t. He needs me, because I get it. It’s a hard day. I’ll text you during it and call you later. I’m sorry.

Don’t be sorry. Just call me.

The next day, I woke up to make Liam breakfast. This would be the first time we would be spending this day together. I know that cancer is never really far from people’s minds but on big days that things happened, it just doesn’t seem to go away. On May 5, that’s all I think about. I think about finding out, leaving my friends, throwing up, shaving my head.. I think about it all.

“Hey.” I said smiling when he walked into the kitchen.

“I hate today.” He said sitting down. I gave him pancakes and bacon.

“Thanks.” He mumbled.

“Can I say something without you getting mad at me?” I asked a little later when we were just laying on the couch watching a movie.

“Sure.” He said.

“Why are you so bitter about this all? I get it that the experience sucked.. but we made it.” I said.

“Its just not fair. What did I do to deserve to get Leukemia and other people didn’t? Why me? Why my family? Why? I don’t get it.”

“No one deserves cancer. I don’t get why I got it, but we made it, Liam. We are survivors.. you don’t have to keep hating it.” I said.

“I just hate the fact that we went through it. I hate that it happened to you. I hate that I had to watch it happen to you. I hate that some people will never experience what we may experience again. I hate getting a stomachache and worrying that its cancer again. I hate getting a bruise and waiting to see if it fades. I hate the fact that I have to worry about these things. And I hate that people pity us. I don’t need anyone’s pity.”

“Liam.. I hate pity. And I hate watching you suffer. I hate thinking about cancer too, but it happened. Its part of our story. Cancer brought me you, I couldn’t ever hate it that much.” I said reaching for his hand.

“I know without cancer there wouldn’t be an us. I know that. But, I just don’t think I’ll ever get over it. I don’t think I could ever be happy about getting cancer like you. I’m not like you.. I’m not as strong as you.”

“Liam, you are stronger than me. Without you, I wouldn’t have made it. I wouldn’t have. We made it together.. don’t hate this day. Be proud that this day happened, and we are still here.” I said smiling and hugging him.

I couldn’t tell you how long Liam and I just laid on the couch. We just laid there talking about everything we did together. He told me about May 3, I already heard it like ten times, but I didn’t mind. We talked about Ireland and prom. We just talked and held each other. I know, I am making this love triangle again. But, I’m not. I’m not in love with Liam. Its not safe to say that I am in love with Sidney, either, but I want to be. I want to give love a try with Sidney, not Liam. Liam is my best friend and there is nothing wrong lying on the couch talking. There is nothing wrong with remember how things were and thinking about the future. Because boys will come and go in my life, but Liam will always be constant. He may even be one of those boys that comes and goes, but his friendship will be constant. His soul and mine are forever intertwined, and I’m perfectly okay with that.

After dinner, the inevitable fight started.

“To be honest Grace, I just don’t get why you haven’t told him yet. I get it, you like him. You want to be with him. And I’m sorry that I made you question that. But, I don’t get how you can be with him when he doesn’t know the most fundamental thing about you.” Liam said.

“When did cancer become the most fundamental thing about me?” I asked.

“Its not. Okay, I shouldn’t have said that. But you are such a good person. Everything that you feel about cancer, it makes you even a better person. You say that I helped you beat cancer, you are still helping me beat cancer. Grace, you wanted to donate bone marrow when you had cancer yourself! You loved me more than I deserved and it was your love that got me through it. I just don’t get why you don’t want him to know that.” He said.

“Because its our story.” I said.

“No, its your story.” He said.

“Remember what it was like to go back to high school after we left? Everyone knew I had cancer. Everyone looked at me in this weird way. I don’t want Sidney to look at me like that. I don’t want cancer to be the only story of my life.”

“I get that you don’t want him to feel bad for you. I get that you wanted him to like you without knowing that part about you. I get it. But, don’t you think it will hurt him once you tell him?” He asked.

“I didn’t know that being friends with someone for 2 months meant they had the right to know everything about me? Does Jordan and them know that you had cancer?” I asked.

“Actually.. I told them yesterday.” He said. I just gave him a look.

“I told them not to tell Sidney. They don’t know about you. They just know about me.” He said.

“I just don’t get when you became ashamed of cancer. As long as I have known you, you have taken it with stride. You are a fighter and survivor. You are the most optimistic person I know, and cancer didn’t even shake that part of you. I just don’t get why now you decided not to tell.”

“Because Liam.. when I tell him, that’s who I am again. I’m Grace Williams, the girl who survived cancer. I’m not Grace, the volunteer. Or Grace, the girl who thinks she will change the world. I’m not even Grace, the college student. I’m Grace, ya know the one who had cancer. That’s how people described me in high school! I just wanted to fall for someone without them seeing me without hair.” I said.

“I saw you without hair..” He said.

“Yeah, and when you see me.. you see cancer. You see me laying on the floor of the bathroom throwing up. You see me without hair. You see me weak.”

“But that’s not a bad thing. I fell in love with you when you didn’t have hair.” He said.

“And I love you for that. But he is Sidney Crosby.” I said.

“He is also a boy who likes a girl who survived something unbearable. He has the right to know.” He said. I just looked at him. I knew he was right. I knew I had to tell him.

“May 5 is in two days. It will have been 3 years and Sidney doesn’t even know. To him, its just another day.”

“And it should be.” I said.

“Grace, heaven forbid something happens. What if I relapse or you do?”

“That won’t happen.”

“But it could, and then what? What if he doesn’t know by then? At what point does it become a lie?” He asked.

“Its not a lie! Its only been two months!” I said.

“Its not a lie, but it’s a secret. And secrets are lies. Grace, I love you. And if he hurts you, I will hurt him. Well atleast, I will try. But, I think he will surprise you. He won’t look at you with pity. He won’t care, but you have to tell him. And if this little thing changes his mind about you, he is an ass. Because if I was in his shoes, it would make me fall inlove with you. Because he thinks you are amazing, but he doesn’t even know the half of it.” He said.

“I know.. its just. How do you tell someone that you had cancer?” I asked.

“I mean I didn’t even know how to tell someone that when it happened. My mom told everyone. It was scary because I didn’t know what would happen. But now, I’m okay, but its still scary. How do you tell someone that it could happen again at any moment?” I said.

“That’s why you have to tell him, Grace. Don’t waste time that you have. Are you going to get it back? No, you aren’t. I know you aren’t. You are going to live til you are like 104, I know it. But, it could happen. Anything could happen.. so let him love you. Let him love the real you.” He said.

“I will. I’ll do it tomorrow. It seems appropriate to tell someone the day inbetween when we got diagnosed. Its just so much to tell.” I said.

“You don’t have to tell him every single story. Just tell him that it happened. If he wants to know more, tell him more. But you don’t have to tell him everything in one day.” He said.

“Thanks, Liam.” I said.

“Figured it was my time to give you some guidance.” He said laughing.

“Oh yeah, cause for once in your life you are the mature one.” I said and he went into this room. I just lay on the couch. Tomorrow, everything would change. Sidney would know. Sidney would know everything, and I wasn’t completely sure how I felt about it.